Tor's News Nuggets: 3/2/10

Information has come in stating that OSHA issued a report to Sea World warning that a captive whale would kill a trainer. Before that report, the only warning we had was the adjective describing the type of whale.

(NERD JOKE) In this week's issue of "Spider-Man," Peter Parker will be affected by the economy when he loses his job as a photographer. Parker will learn that photographers, like Green Goblins, are a dime a dozen.

At an event in London, Lady Gaga told reporters that she is single and celibate. Lady Gaga is looking for a man who is evolved, not as in socially mature but as in having a next-generation sex organ that can mate with her.

According to People magazine, Bill Clinton offered his support to Tiger Woods via telephone. I just have one question: Why does the universe continue to throw softballs to Jay Leno?

Chad Ochocinco has been announced as one of the dancers on this season's Dancing with the Stars. Producers think this is a step in the right direction for the show as Ochocinco is actually a star.

Tor's News Nuggets: 11/12/09

It's time for last week's rejected jokes. I got 5 jokes in last week so there are less rejected ones. Maybe there will come a week where I post an empty blog. A freelance current event joke writer can dream, can't he?

Mel Gibson's girlfriend gave birth to his eighth child, seven from his previous marriage. This spring on TLC - "Mel and Hate Plus 8."

Nicolas Cage was disheartened to learn that he owed over 6 million dollars in back taxes. This is probably a bad time to tell him about the 100 million dollars in back tickets he owes moviegoers for "Ghost Rider."

A new series of Twilight Barbie dolls, based on the popular vampire books, will hit stores in time for the holidays. So now, not only does Barbie promote impossible aesthetic standards, she promotes impossible mortality standards too.

Harvard is offering a class where students can discuss the issues of HBO's "The Wire." In related news, Juliard is offering a class on Steven Bochco's "Cop Rock."

Jessica Simpson, after finding out her sister Ashlee was fired from "Melrose Place," twittered that the show was "crap." Moments later, the President of the United States declared a National Emergency stating only, "She's sentient."

Usain Bolt adopted a baby cheetah and named it "Lightning Bolt." That's like Kirstie Alley adopting a baby whale and naming it "I Like To Eat Whole Pizzas While Hiding In A Darkened Alley."

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. When the hotel is finished, the company will move on to its next product - a car that folds into a briefcase.

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. They insist the best way to get there is to use Orbitz.

A PGA player was suspended for one year after becoming the first professional golfer to test positive for performance enhancing drugs. The golfer figured the game would be easier with smaller balls.

Jeremy Piven is claiming that drinking soy milk has given him "man boobs." Piven's doctors are advising him to jug it out.

Lady Gaga says she has plans to one day release her own clothing line. She's just waiting for evolution to give humans the right number of appendages to wear it.

A church in Los Angeles is allowing worshippers to bring their dogs with them to attend the service. The reverend got the idea when he heard Jon Gosselin went to church.

Sarah Palin is not allowing press or any electronic devices at her upcoming Wisconsin speech. After she finishes talking, she will put on cool sunglasses, use her Neuralyzer, and tell everyone she did a great job.

Australian officials are trying to get Britney Spears to admit publicly that she will be lip synching at her concerts so that ticket buyers will not be misled. Said one official, "We're just trying to be sure. Nobody wants to see her really sing."

In Oklahoma, a couple driving an SUV almost ran into an elephant that had escaped from the circus. When police asked the elephant if it remembered what happened, they stared at each other for a moment and then broke out in laughter.

Matthew McConaughey turned 40 this week. He celebrated the same way he came into the world - between a lady's legs and shirtless.

Butterface on ABCNews.com!

ABCNews.com did an article on the Top 5 Parodies of Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face.' My "Butterface" parody made the list at number 4. That sounds like an ok accomplishment but then I found out who else was on the list. I am preceded on the list by Christopher Walken, South Park, and Justin Timberlake when he was on "SNL." There's even an accompanying video. It's amazing! What am I doing on this list?

A special thanks to Sheila Marikar (or Sheils as Twitter calls her) for writing the article and calling me an "online video genius." My mom's been saying it for decades. It's good to have a non-relative say the same thing.

Possible Duets for Michael Bolton and Lady Gaga

With the news of Michael Bolton and Lady Gaga collaborating on a duet. If they update their own songs, I believe these are possibilities.

Michael Bolton Side:

1. How Can We Be Lovers (No, Seriously, I'm Not Sure How To Do You)
2. Time, Love, and Ridiculousness
3. When A Man Loves A Whatever-You-Are

Lady Gaga Side:

1. Just Dance (Boring and Slow Remix)
2. Poker Face (Boring and Slow Remix)
3. LoveGame (Boring and Slow Remix)

Butterface Machinima

This is pretty awesome! A new Twitter friend, JellyBean Madison (real name?), created a machinima version of my Butterface parody using Second Life. I'm honored that this was worth putting the time in to do. This is really cool. You can find more of JellyBean Madison's videos at the link below.

Lady Gag - Butterface from JellyBean Madison on Vimeo.

Current Music Thoughts - Summer 2009

Imagine for a moment that you are an angel. You are sent down to Earth to watch over people and guide them out of harm’s way. Now, you are assigned to a person and when you get down to Earth, the person spots you and starts screaming, “I CAN SEE YOUR HALO! HALO! HALO! HALO! HALO!” Wouldn’t you ask to be assigned to someone else? Someone less defective. C'mon Beyonce, your song's got you looking so crazy right now.

Sometimes people come up to me and say, "you should do the Helen Keller." And I say, "What? Be an inspiration for all and have the girl from Little House on the Prairie play me in a movie?" And they say, "No, silly. Shake your hips." And then I punch that person in the face out of respect to everyone who's ever met Helen Keller or seen the movie.

A lot of people don't know this but Andy Gibb was the first person to coin the phrase, "Disco Stick." He was known to precede it with "Suck my" when his brothers would flaunt their much greater success at family reunions.

The Ting Tings song, "That's Not My Name," has such a fantastic beat that I wish they would make a fifth Bring It On movie ASAP. That or take it off the radio.

I know you want me. You know I want cha. Trust me, repeating this 400 times with a Spanish accent doesn't get you a lady. It gets you a headache.

My Butterface in Rolling Stone!!

This was pretty shocking. I'm having more success as a musician than a comedian. My Butterface parody is mentioned in this month's Rolling Stone. It has Lady Gaga on the cover. Doesn't she look...um...strategically bubbled?


The following is the article snippet where it mentions my parody. There is no mention of my name but the lyric quote distinguishes it from all the other Butterface parodies out there (that came after mine). I spoke to the columnist and he said that she really did find it funny. It's unfortunate that the article is about her being ugly sexy. I will say this one last time - I did not know she was thought of as a Butterface when I wrote it and did not intend to make the statement that she was. I didn't even know what she looked like when I came up with the idea. Regardless, she's not offended which means her obsessive fans' evil comments on YouTube can't hurt me anymore! (Or not as much as they did.)

I'm not one for pushing my stuff on people more than once but why not enjoy the Butterface parody one last time. I couldn't have done it without the great voice of Jen Kwok and the awesome mixing of Ash Louis. Thanks to Jason Verlaine, Paul Bauer, and Maryssa Smith for stopping by to dance. And thanks to Kambri Crews for lending us the filming locale.

American Idol - Top 9 (Part 2)

Top Downloads week was a disaster (minus Kris and Danny) so I'm going to work quickly and put it behind us. We need as much time as possible to recuperate before next week. I want start by saying that David Cook and Lady GaGa made the night. David Cook is still awesome even if I'm not so sure about his new album. And Lady GaGa rocked Poker Face. I know I'm apparently anti-Lady GaGa (I'm not) but her piano and violin opening to Poker Face was incredible. Once she got into the regular version, it was ok but that opening...Wow! Anyway, onto the results:

BOTTOM THREE:

Allison Iraheta - This is not good. If you make it into the Bottom Three once, it could be an accident but if it happens twice, it means America is not digging you for realsies. I don't get it. She's one of the four best singers in the competition no matter how you rank them. Even if the judges use the save on her in the next two weeks, what stops her from going home the following week? She's in trouble.

Anoop Desai - Uptempo song = Bottom Three. Slow ballad = Safe. It really comes down to whether Anoop wants to have fun or stay in the competition. I don't think Anoop can win so I hope he has fun next week and enjoys touring. Top 8 is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm kinda down on Anoop for back-talking to Kara. It was pointless and made him look like a bully. Kara has four phrases ("package artist," "not the right song," "I have words," " i.e. Everyone wants to get it on with you") and you don't debate someone like that. It's like telling off a duck.

Megan Joy - It was time and she knew it. She put on a brave face because she achieved what she wanted, she didn't want to get ripped to shreds anymore, and she needed to be back with her son. I also liked that the judges didn't even care about the Judges' Save and told her to enjoy the moment. Spiggles will be missed but she was a cool, uninhibited, klutzy, hot girl.

Final Thought: This was my worst week of predicting the Bottom Three thus far (1 out of 3). Unfortunately, unless the judges really praise Allison next week, it looks like she'll be back. I think it's time for Anoop or Scott to go next but we'll see. Lil should be in more trouble than she is but she can thank Ryan for playing the adorable-kids-hugging-the-judges card.

Butterface Down Under

The Butterface parody got posted on the ninemsn MusicFIX blog this morning in Australia leading to a bunch more views and a bunch more positive comments. It also lead to this picture:

Lady GaGa and I will probably never be this close in real life after this parody but it's good to know that Photoshop will always be able to bring us together.

One thing, though: If they took the time to find such a hot picture of Lady GaGa, they couldn't take the time to find one of my sexier poses. I looked hotter in other scenes. In all my life, I've never had one good drag cutout. 

Thanks to Sam at ninemsn for blogging this!

Tor Vs. Z100 (Part 2, In Your Face Yesterday's Question Mark!)

Yesterday was the first battle in the epic war that will be Tor Vs. Z100 (Part 1). When you come home from a long day of wrastling with one of the biggest radio stations in the world, you want something cold and refreshing. That's when I reach for Milwaukee's best. (This battle needs sponsors and that's one I think we can get.) Nothing quenches a media war general's thirst like a nice can of beer that's brewed for a man's taste. Sorry, ladies. So I received another email from David Brody, my arch-nemesis:

Kev,

Please feel free to write me anytime. As for the words I chose...yeah a little bit was with the thought in ind that the person I was writing to might not believe it possible to have to parodies with the same title. It has happeded to me all too often. No, I don't think about nor do I care about legal issues because no internet parody writer has the portential or ability to really make it an issue or be able to prove it (Nothing to do with you by th way :) ). I just can't stand it when guys who do it for fun (not you) can't fathom someone who does it as a career coming up with the same brilliant idea as them. Even worse when people think that every parody ever written was written by Weird Al...even my songs by female singers!

My friend Eric Schwartz (Smooth E) who has had a number of hits on YouTube and I have written the same song a few times as well. I put together a video/ interview on Youtube where I play one or two back to back.

Anyway, I am not sure the theme is brittliant....maybe clever? (Butta Face). But, some of your lyrics were very very good as was the video.

Congrats on writing a hit...and keep in touch.

David

When I first read that, I wanted to curl up in a blanket with my email and watch Twins. It's such a nice email reply. I bet my mom would frame it and put it next to my diploma and 8th grade dance photo. But then I read it again. I see a man who is running scared (or not running scared). A man who is taking jabs (or not taking jabs). You have to read between the words. I will capitalize, biggerize, and italicize the only words he meant in the email.

KEV,

Please feel free to write me anytime. As for the words I chose...yeah a little bit was with the thought in ind that the person I was writing to might not believe it possible to have to parodies with the same title. It has happeded to me all too often. No, I DON'T THINK about nor do I care aboUt legal issues because no internet parody writer HAS THE portential or ABILITY TO REALLY MAKE IT an issue or be able to prove it (Nothing to do with you by th way :) ). I just CAN'T STAND it when guys who do it for fun (not YOU) can't fathom someone who does it as a career coming up with the same brilliant idea as them. EVEN WORSE when people think that every parody ever written WAS written by Weird Al...even my songs by female singers!

My friend Eric Schwartz (Smooth E) who has had a number of hits on YouTube and I have written the same song a few times as well. I put together a video/ interview on Youtube where I play one or two back to back.

Anyway, I am not sure the theme is brittliant....maybe clever? (Butta Face). But, some of YOUR lyrics were very very good as was the VIDEO.

Congrats on writing a hit...and keep in touch.

DAVID

"Kev, I don't think u has the ability to really make it. I can't stand you. Even worse was your video. David" 

Wow. Z100 is coming back at me with ferocity. Will I retaliate? You betcha! And with better grammar!

Lady GaG - Butterface

Here is my parody of Lady GaGa's Poker Face. There were a lot of requests for a new song parody after Hey There Delilah so I have decided to give in. I also took note of all the requests to never sing again so you will be happy to know that I only wrote the lyrics and got someone else to sing them. 

Thanks to Jen Kwok for singing and dressing scantily. 

Thanks to Eric Fortin for mixing the track and dressing scantily. 

Thanks to Francesco Marciuliano for manning the cam. 

Thanks to Jason Verlaine, Paul Bauer, and Maryssa Smith for dancing their faces off. 

Thanks to Kambri Crews for giving us a locale. 

Thanks to Mom for helping me attain items I needed. 

If there are requests for the mp3, I'll post it like last time.