Kanye West's Taylor Swift Apology (Deleted Parts)

As many of you know, Kanye West jumped on the stage yesterday during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the MTV VMAs. Kanye took Taylor Swift's microphone and told the audience that Beyonce should have won. Well, Kanye was feeling bad about the whole thing and put an apology up on his blog.

I would link to the blog but it's not currently working so here is what he put up on it:

“I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!”

Now, we here at Tor's Take were fortunate enough to get the parts that Kanye deleted just before posting. It just warms my heart to work with such a crack research team. (And not a crack team on research. Am I right?) This stuff is pretty shocking. Anyway, without further ado:

"TAYLOR'S VOICE IS WEAKER THAN A HO WITH A ROOFIE!!! SHE'S STILL MAD TALENTED, THOUGH!!!!"

"LISTEN YALL, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC...IT'S REALLY GOOD!! I JUST THINK WE SHOULD BURN THAT MOTHER F'N OPRY TO THE GROUND!!!!!!"

"I'M HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!! I KNOW I MAY HAVE RUINED HER MOMENT BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I SHOWED UP AT HER WEDDING AND TOLD HER I WAS BETTER THAN THE GROOM!!! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!! ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE WILL NEVER FIND LOVE!!! CONGRATS, T-SWIFT!!!!"

"!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"TAYLOR IS BEAUTIFUL!!! I'D LOVE TO WORK WITH HER ONE DAY!!!!! THEN SHE COULD KNOW WHAT REAL MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE!!!! BOOOOOOOOYEEEEEE!!!"

"I HOPE HER NASTY TEENAGE ASS GETS HIT BY A BUS!!!!! SHE LOOKED HOT IN THAT DRESS!!! MUCH LOVE!!!!!!!"

"I LIKE THE SONG WHERE SHE TALKS ABOUT LOVE AND HIGH SCHOOL AND, PROBABLY TWILIGHT!!! THAT ONE'S ON MY IPOD!!!"

"TAYLOR'S MOM IS SO GREAT!!! I'D HAVE TO RANK HER IN THE TOP 100 MILLION OF MOMS!!!"

"MY FANS ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!! I HOPE THEY DON'T RUN OUT ON ME....BUT IF THEY DO, I HAVE A LIST OF THOSE FANS I WOULD BE FINE WITH SEEING GO!!!!! I'LL POST THAT LATER, SON!!!!!"

"I JUST DID WHAT ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE DONE!!! MY BEST FRIEND TOTALLY AGREES....AND I LOVE HIM FOR THAT!!!! IT'S TOO BAD HE'S TRAPPED IN THAT RECTANGLE OF GLASS ABOVE MY BATHROOM SINK!!!!! I'LL GET YOU OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"I KEEP WATCHING THE YOUTUBE VIDEO OVER AND OVER HOPING THAT THIS TIME I WON'T GET UP AND TAKE THE MIC FROM HER BUT EVERY TIME SHE STILL WINS SO IT PLAYS OUT THE RIGHT WAY!!!! TAYLOR'S GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THIS IS LIFE!!! THE WRONG PEOPLE WIN ALL THE TIME!!!! TAKE ME FOR EXAMPLE!!! I'M ALWAYS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE THAT SHOULDN'T WIN!!!"

"REMEMBER WHEN TAYLOR WAS ON SNL AND SHE PLAYED ANNIE!!! SHE WAS SO GREAT!!! IT MADE ME WISH SHE WAS AN ORPHAN FOR REAL!!!!!!! XOXOX!!!!!"

Brandon Marshall: Role Model

Brandon Marshall, the wide receiver for the Denver Broncos, is in talks for a large contract extension despite his horrible behavior in preseason practices. If you are unaware of his behavior, watch the first 45 seconds of this video. After all of that nonsense (ass clownity?), how does he get rewarded? How? Maybe this is the way it works. Maybe this is how I should be doing comedy. I'm pretty talented. I deserve better. Until I get my own sitcom (or this entry ends), I'm going to mail it in, too.

Mail It In Section

I'm the best comedy blogger out there. I don't need this blog. I could blow your mind right now with humorous thoughts. Believe that.

How much longer until this is over?

The fish used in McDonald's Filet-O-Fish sandwich is at risk due to overfishing. You know what's not at risk? Me attempting to come up with a good joke for that because I'm not going to overfish for a punchline. Hey-o!

Who wants my top 10 list of other things Joe Wilson contemplated yelling before settling on "You Lie?" Well, too bad. It's a shame, too, because three of them involve dinosaurs. What Who?

Are we done? Can I go home now? More? Fine.

Whitney Houston had her first number one album in 16 years. Does that mean we should throw a Super Sweet birthday party for her drug addiction? Ack! Ack! Ack!

Katherine Heigl is adopting a Korean baby. Expect her to call adoption degrading to women in about 6 months. Did that joke's knees just slide across the rug cause that's a burn!!!

Ellen Degeneres is going to be the 4th judge on American Idol next season. Fox is already installing a mama chair in the Nokia Theater and the Top 24 will get Ellen underwear. Pa-dow!

Done now? Good.

It's on you, Hollywood!

Thanks, Brandon Marshall. You're an inspiration.