Tor's News Nuggets: 10/14/09

More unused jokes from the iLarious. Some of them are justified in not being used.

Somali pirates attacked what they believed to be a cargo ship but realized too late that it was a French Naval vessel. In all fairness, only the people on the French ship knew there was even such a thing as a "French Naval vessel."

A recent poll by Marist University has named "whatever" the most annoying word used in conversation. The worst offenders of the conversational gaffe are treating the poll with indifference.

NASA is planning to crash two rockets into the moon to try to find water. If this doesn't work, NASA will go with their Plan B: a 6 billion dollar y-shaped stick.

Christie Brinkley and ex-husband Peter Cook are going through a tough divorce. The problem is that Cook wants to take away what matters most to Brinkley, the Uptown.

A professional racetrack in Australia is limiting fans to 24 cans of beer each to cut down on crime. Don't worry. They're also limiting the amount of distance fans can drive home.

Due to the economy, Harvard professors will no longer get free cookies during faculty meetings. No word on the status of recess or nap time yet.

Daily Beast named Raleigh-Durham the smartest metropolitan area with Fresno coming in last. When reached by phone, the mayor of Fresno screamed, "WHERE THE HELL IS THAT VOICE COMING FROM??!?!" before running into the wall and knocking herself out.

Andrew Lloyd Webber announced that he is working on a sequel to "Phantom of the Opera" that will take place in Coney Island. In the new work, the female lead will be a fry girl that wants to one day work the register at Nathan's, the phantom will be hard to pick out among all of the disfigured ride operators, and the climactic scene will involve the Cyclone crashing down.

Kate Gosselin baked a special cake for her twins' birthday but Jon tried to foil the plans by picking up a cake from a bakery. When these kinds of public divorces happen, we tend to not realize what's most important - these kids got TWO birthday cakes!

Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for essentially trying really hard to achieve global peace. In other news, Nicolas Cage is named Actor of the Decade.

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - South Carolina governor

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - TV father of 8

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - Rim

Paris Hilton, playing "Paris Hilton possessed by a demon," was beheaded on last night's "Supernatural" because a demon can't function in a body without a brain. Viewers were upset because the writer's failed to explain how the demon functioned before the beheading.

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/1/09

Whitney Houston released a new album today. Whitney says she's excited to have a whole new set of songs that people will immediately change the station upon hearing.

Reports are coming in that Iran updated their nuclear package. Unfortunately, Iran was the victim of spam because there is no pill that can "add 6 inches of girth to your nuclear package."

Sarah Palin's first major speaking engagement since leaving office will be in Hong Kong. This is a smart move because there's a better excuse when no one understands what the hell she's talking about.

549 musicians have come together to set the record for the largest mariachi band. They were immediately followed by 549 old women offering "rose for the lady."

549 musicians have come together as a mariachi band to set a world record. They set the record for "Most Audience Members Stabbing Themselves In The Ear."**

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The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about 2 weeks ago. So, they might be a little old.

Bob Dylan, walking without ID, was detained after police officers did not recognize him while on patrol. His son, Jakob, showed up to help but that just made things worse.

A new study shows that dogs can smell cancer. So, I guess every dog has ass cancer.

Simon Fraser University is introducing a grade worse than an F. The grade is based on the end of Brett Favre's career.

90 percent of US dollar bills have traces of cocaine. The other 10 percent were handled as part of a clean-up project by the 1986 Mets.

Jenny Sanford, in an interview with Vanity Fair, said that she is willing to reconcile with her husband but "the ball is in his court." At least he got one back.

Eric Dane, "McSteamy" on "Grey's Anatomy," says that a video of he and his wife frolicking naked with another woman is "not a sex tape." So, it's a serious medical drama tape?

Michael Jackson's burial date has been set for September 3rd, over 2 months after he passed away. Good thing he started preserving his body 30 years ago.

After a mixup at the recruiting office, Steve Spurrier and other top college football coaches heavily recruited a trumpet player. Nothing was suspected because the recruit kept answering yes to the question, "Do you have the brass to compete at our school?"

Mozart apparently died of strep throat. If only he had come down with it when he was 235, we could have fixed him.

Paris Hilton was sued $8.3 million in damages by the producers of "Pledge This!" for not doing enough to promote the film. The judge threw out the case saying it was ridiculous to think Paris Hilton could do...well, anything.

** Also acceptable: "Fastest Audience Exit" or "Most Pant Studs"