Tor's News Nuggets: 9/1/09

Whitney Houston released a new album today. Whitney says she's excited to have a whole new set of songs that people will immediately change the station upon hearing.

Reports are coming in that Iran updated their nuclear package. Unfortunately, Iran was the victim of spam because there is no pill that can "add 6 inches of girth to your nuclear package."

Sarah Palin's first major speaking engagement since leaving office will be in Hong Kong. This is a smart move because there's a better excuse when no one understands what the hell she's talking about.

549 musicians have come together to set the record for the largest mariachi band. They were immediately followed by 549 old women offering "rose for the lady."

549 musicians have come together as a mariachi band to set a world record. They set the record for "Most Audience Members Stabbing Themselves In The Ear."**

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The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about 2 weeks ago. So, they might be a little old.

Bob Dylan, walking without ID, was detained after police officers did not recognize him while on patrol. His son, Jakob, showed up to help but that just made things worse.

A new study shows that dogs can smell cancer. So, I guess every dog has ass cancer.

Simon Fraser University is introducing a grade worse than an F. The grade is based on the end of Brett Favre's career.

90 percent of US dollar bills have traces of cocaine. The other 10 percent were handled as part of a clean-up project by the 1986 Mets.

Jenny Sanford, in an interview with Vanity Fair, said that she is willing to reconcile with her husband but "the ball is in his court." At least he got one back.

Eric Dane, "McSteamy" on "Grey's Anatomy," says that a video of he and his wife frolicking naked with another woman is "not a sex tape." So, it's a serious medical drama tape?

Michael Jackson's burial date has been set for September 3rd, over 2 months after he passed away. Good thing he started preserving his body 30 years ago.

After a mixup at the recruiting office, Steve Spurrier and other top college football coaches heavily recruited a trumpet player. Nothing was suspected because the recruit kept answering yes to the question, "Do you have the brass to compete at our school?"

Mozart apparently died of strep throat. If only he had come down with it when he was 235, we could have fixed him.

Paris Hilton was sued $8.3 million in damages by the producers of "Pledge This!" for not doing enough to promote the film. The judge threw out the case saying it was ridiculous to think Paris Hilton could do...well, anything.

** Also acceptable: "Fastest Audience Exit" or "Most Pant Studs"

Tor's News Nuggets: 8/14/09

I started a job writing current event jokes for an iPhone app, iLarious. I'm really excited. There are writers from the Simpsons, the Onion, Craig Ferguson, David Letterman, College Humor, and much much more awesome things. Tor's News Nuggets will be the place that I post the ones that don't make it. (Some of them you'll see why.)

Ashton Kutcher announced that his plane needed to perform an emergency landing via Twitter. The pilot landed the plane because he was getting a lot of wireless interference from somewhere in the cabin.

CNN is reporting that trucks are the most purchased in the Cash for Clunkers promotion. So...that didn't work.

The jobless rate fell for the first time in a year. Kudos to the person who decided to create the jobs to calculate the jobless rate.

Shirtless pictures of a fit Vladimir Putin are circulating and experts say it shows he is stronger than previous leaders like Boris Yeltsin. Something else that would show this: holding a mirror under his nose and waiting for fog.

49ers draft pick Michael Crabtree is threatening to sit out the 2009 season and reenter the 2010 Draft if he doesn't get more than $23.5 million. Looks like Michael Vick finally got some competition for Most Hated Football Player.

Victoria Beckham is going to be a temporary replacement for Paula Abdul on American Idol. American Idol judges are some of the most publicly criticized and hated people in entertainment so she can go to her husband for advice.

Jenny Stanford, the wife of adulterous South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, is moving out of the Governor's Mansion. Good, I was starting to think she couldn't read. Or hear. Or process visual signs.

Barack Obama claims that Canada's health care model would not work in the U.S. Obama said that the health care model was good but when you get down to it, like their bacon, it's really just ham.

A new species of frog that can soar through the air was discovered in the Himalayas. Do you hear that Nadia, the foreign exchange student from my high school? You said we could have sex "when frogs fly."

A new study proves that dogs and toddlers are on the same developmental plane. So child services was wrong, rubbing my baby's face in his diaper was fine?

A woman threw a ceramic cup at the Mona Lisa saying she was frustrated about not getting French nationality. She then threw a saucer at the Eiffel Tower, a spoon at the Bastille, and hot tea at Jerry Lewis.

A bride in China is hoping to set the record with a wedding dress that has a train measuring 2 km. Little does she know but the groom tied the end of the train to a tree 2 km and 2 m from the altar.

A new movie called "Machete" has begun filming and it stars Robert De Niro, Lindsey Lohan, Jessica Alba, and Steven Seagal. Hollywood said, "This is the best way to guarantee we only make one bad movie next year."

Forecasts say that the world population will hit 7 billion next year. Kinda sad that Tila Tequila still can't find love.

A new series of Twilight Barbie dolls will hit stores just in time for Christmas. So now, not only does Barbie promote impossible aesthetic standards, she promotes impossible mortality standards too.

The first successful captive breeding of an endangered vulture was announced today. Seriously, what kind of prison is Bernie Madoff in?

Bob Dylan is planning to release a holiday album later this year. The album will start out with Hanukkah tunes, then switch over to Christmas songs, and end with songs that could be either one.

A nun in Missouri chased a robber into the woods after he ran past the convent. When asked why she chased the robber, the nun said, "I don't know. I always chase things that run by. I guess I'm just a creature of...habit." Then the reporter slapped her in the face and told her to stick to chasing.