Awful Ways To Improve Transformers 2

Transformers 2 was a terrible movie. There were robots that talked jive (Stewardess, I speak jive), robots that talked like Joe Pesci (Am I a robot clown?), and robots that used canes because they were old (What?). The following is a list of terrible ideas that would still improve the movie.*

• Replace Shia LaBeouf with Fisher Stevens.
• Have Optimus Prime contract robot AIDS.
• Make Bumblebee an actual bumblebee and have Shia LaBeouf ride on his back after using a Honey, I Shrunk The Kids-esque shrink ray.
• Let the Decepticons win.
• Instead of filming it, show the screenplay being read by Gilbert Gottfried.
• Have a Megan Fox sex scene where she unveils her own massive penis.
• End the movie with the Zapruder film in slow motion set to "Time After Time."
• Give four monkeys 83 seconds to write it.
• Interrupt it with commercials for Geico.
• Instead of robots that turn into electronic objects, base the movie on the metal boxes at the top of telephone poles.

* Yes, I did this for GI Joe over the summer.

Awful Ways To Improve GI Joe

GI Joe was a terrible movie. I cannot fathom how it could have been worse. In fact, I think if they did any of the following things, it would still have improved my enjoyment of the film:

1. Show little kid hands moving the vehicles.
2. Add a 45 minute clip of my parents having sex.
3. Replace the actors with people dying of cancer.
4. Work the GI angle and make the soldiers constantly use the bathroom.
5. Dressing room montage set to Heidi Montag music.
6. Make Cobra Commander an actual CGI talking cobra that holds on to it's S's too long.
7. Incorporate enough racial slurs to embarrass a KKK Grandmaster.
8. Remove all the parts of the writers' brains and not just the front.*
9. Make it a musical with song titles like "Half The Battle, I Should Have Known."
10. Instead of a fancy ninja costume, dress Snake Eyes like a pair of fuzzy dice.

* Not confirmed that they did, just an assumption on my part.

Reviewing Adventureland Today

After some intense, Twitter-related begging, I was able to get The Apiary to allow me to attend a sneak peek of Adventureland and write a review for their site. The screening is today at 4pm and I cannot wait. I'm a huge fan of pretty much everyone involved. Those I am not a fan of, you know who you are.

In anticipation of the movie, I thought I would create a list of the things I'm hoping to see in the movie.

1. Nick Nolte as some sort of electricity monster.
2. Bill Hader doing Al Pacino (not an impression, though it would definitely make one).
3. Skulls made out of fine crystal.
4. A stalled ferris wheel with an awkward guy and the hot girl he's in love with trapped at the top.
5. Someone going beyond the acceptable level of retard.
6. A cameo by Robert Pattinson as the dunk tank vampire clown.
7. A little girl doing a voice over of the "Now I lay me down to sleep" poem.
8. Wiig and Stewart Jello wrestle for the award of "Best Kristen."
9. The pirate story from the "Adventureland" graphic novel.
10. McLovin shows up with Seth and Evan and the movie forgets all about the amusement park and becomes about Seth and Evan dealing with going back to college for their sophomore year and will they still be good friends by the next summer while McLovin is hilariously squeaky.

If just six of those come to pass, I'll be writing a glowing review. I'll post a link to the review tomorrow.