Tor's Onion Stories: December 29, 2009

I recently submitted to write for The Onion for the second time. Here are 10 story ideas that I did not use but enjoyed.

• World's First Sentient Plastic Bag Killed While Playing With Toddler
• Older California Raisins Have Trouble Hearing Grapevine
• On A Quest For Normalcy, Man Watches "Benjamin Button" Backwards
• Wide Leg Jeans Develop Eating Disorder When Sharing Rack With Skinny Jeans
• Man Living In Glass House Regrets Calling Idiom's Bluff
• World Ends When FailBlog Makes Mistake Posting About Its Mistake
• School's Horse Play Cancelled Due To Cast Members Fooling Around Too Much, Irony
• College Kid And Ball Reunited 12 Years After It Went In Creepy Neighbor's Yard
• Overpampering Parents Choose To Learn Baby Talk Over Forcing Child To Learn English
• NFL Player Satisfied Enough With Leading Virtual Self To Madden Title

Tor's Onion Stories: October 6, 2009

Here are another 10 story ideas for The Onion. I should probably save these on the off chance that I will, one day, write for The Onion but we all know that will never happen. (Why do my readers have less confidence in me than I do?)

1. Former Bully Victim Ironically Grows Up To Serve French Fries To Bully
2. Dog Saves Owner From Choosing Wrong Cell Phone Plan
3. Megan Fox Was Not Right For Megan Fox Roles On SNL
4. Arabian Prince Buys United States Low With Hopes Of Selling High
5. Second Graders Disappointed By Real Definition Of Gross National Product
6. Family Business Will Include Disappointing Son-In-Law After All
7. Boogers Closing Gap On Farts For Funniest Gimmick
8. Genie Enthusiast Hopes 517th Lamp Will Be The One
9. Local Man Still Disappointed By Seinfeld Finale
10. Tyra Banks Has Genuinely Grounded Opinion

How did I do this time? Better? Worse?

Tor's Onion Stories: September 29, 2009

Here are 10 more stories that I would submit to The Onion. Unfortunately, The Onion does not accept submissions from people with last names consisting solely of 3 letters. Just my stupid luck. I'm paying the price for having an easy time filling out Scantrons in grammar school.

• Scientists Believe Homeless Man That Throws Own Feces Could Be Missing Link
• Fat Kid, Roger Dawkins, Does Not Like Cake
• "Cash For Myrrh" Not Nearly As Successful As Hoped
• Native American Destroys Old Camera Reclaiming Grandfather's Soul
• Boater Designs New Anchor Shaped Like Ex-Wife
• Sad Ant Strains To Lift Half Its Body Weight
• Soccer League Shut Down Due To Too Much Action
• Odd-Looking Proctologist Swears He's Not An Alien
• Cherry Bomb Prank Backfires And Improves School's Plumbing System
• Portugal To Bring Back Feudalism, Disappointment

How about these? Would you like to see these in print form? Write your congressman.

Tor's Onion Stories: September 21, 2009

Here are 10 more stories that I would submit to The Onion if they wanted me to submit to them, which they don't.

• A New Breed Of Clumsy Eagles Not Helping America's Image
• Less Than Perfect Pushups Still Yield Good Results
• Real Life "Doogie Howser" Not As Much Fun
• 7-Year-Old Boy Saved From Drowning By Plastic Bag Over His Head
• Black Sets Record Straight: "Nothing Is The New Me"
• Performer Attendance Down 40 Percent At Broadway Shows
• Woman With Nine Children Turns Down Reality Series, Claims Did It For Love
• Oil Driller Misses The Attention He Got After "Armageddon" Came Out
• White Collar Comedy Not As Popular In The South
• Britney Spears' Singing Passes Yodeling And Loogie Hocking On "Annoying Mouth Noises" Chart

Would you read these?

Tor's Onion Stories: August 25, 2009

I thought I would start something new. I would love to write for The Onion one day and there's no better way to prepare for writing for something than to pretend to write for it. So I am going to periodically come up with 10 stories that I would submit to The Onion.

• Frank Caliendo Diets To Resemble People He Does Impressions Of
• Drunk Man Pees On Picasso Collection Turning It Green
• French Horn Playing Leads To Cat Ownership Later In Life
• Phish Fan Too High To Realize Band's Five Year Hiatus
• Sliced Bread Still Considered Really Great
• Google Maps Shows Country Roads NOT Best Route Home For John Denver
• New CBS Sitcom Enjoyed By Studio Audience
• Turns Out Father's Missing Child Was On Top Of His Head All Along
• Roger Turdburger Earns Nobel Prize, 5 Minutes Without Name Mocking
• Local Man Makes One Too Many "Don't Block The Box" Jokes To Girlfriend

What do you think?