Awful Ways To Improve Transformers 2

Transformers 2 was a terrible movie. There were robots that talked jive (Stewardess, I speak jive), robots that talked like Joe Pesci (Am I a robot clown?), and robots that used canes because they were old (What?). The following is a list of terrible ideas that would still improve the movie.*

• Replace Shia LaBeouf with Fisher Stevens.
• Have Optimus Prime contract robot AIDS.
• Make Bumblebee an actual bumblebee and have Shia LaBeouf ride on his back after using a Honey, I Shrunk The Kids-esque shrink ray.
• Let the Decepticons win.
• Instead of filming it, show the screenplay being read by Gilbert Gottfried.
• Have a Megan Fox sex scene where she unveils her own massive penis.
• End the movie with the Zapruder film in slow motion set to "Time After Time."
• Give four monkeys 83 seconds to write it.
• Interrupt it with commercials for Geico.
• Instead of robots that turn into electronic objects, base the movie on the metal boxes at the top of telephone poles.

* Yes, I did this for GI Joe over the summer.

Awful Ways To Improve GI Joe

GI Joe was a terrible movie. I cannot fathom how it could have been worse. In fact, I think if they did any of the following things, it would still have improved my enjoyment of the film:

1. Show little kid hands moving the vehicles.
2. Add a 45 minute clip of my parents having sex.
3. Replace the actors with people dying of cancer.
4. Work the GI angle and make the soldiers constantly use the bathroom.
5. Dressing room montage set to Heidi Montag music.
6. Make Cobra Commander an actual CGI talking cobra that holds on to it's S's too long.
7. Incorporate enough racial slurs to embarrass a KKK Grandmaster.
8. Remove all the parts of the writers' brains and not just the front.*
9. Make it a musical with song titles like "Half The Battle, I Should Have Known."
10. Instead of a fancy ninja costume, dress Snake Eyes like a pair of fuzzy dice.

* Not confirmed that they did, just an assumption on my part.

Space Beer, Really?

Japan has given us some great stuff: anime, the digital watch, a rhyme for a rap lyric ending with "flash in the pan." Now, they give us something even greater. Space beer. That's right. Space beer. But before you get excited and dream of glass bottles with Saturn's rings impossibly floating on the outside, the beer is "made with barley descended from grains that traveled in outer space." That is cheating. Can we really label this "space beer?" If that is the case, you can call me "Underwater Kevin" because my parents' nether regions were underwater at some point before I was born. Great, thanks a lot, Japan. Now, I'm thinking about my parents and their...(shudder).

Here's the thing, space beer should be brewed in space using the heat left behind by a comet or something equally space hot. At the very least, it should be set up and mounted outside the rocket so the hops boiling happens upon reentry. Six packs should come with a cozy shaped like a moon boot. Upon putting the can down, support legs should extend down and dig themselves into the coffee table (unless moon boot cozy is in use). Space dust should be infused in every can leaving a gritty film in your mouth after you swallow. That space dust film lets you know you're not drinking an impostor space beer like the aforementioned Japanese model. When you drink too much of it, your puke should defy gravity and float up to the sky. Am I wrong? What the hell, Japan? Don't you ever get my hopes up like this again! Ever!