Tor Baby Countdown: 21 Days

This past weekend was Mother's Day and my wife got presents from people in my family. While it's nice that my family accepts her and buys her things, this was misguided. Where's the baby? Is the baby still inside my wife? Yes! Therefore, she should not get anything. She is not a mother yet.

According to Article 4 Section 3 of the Hallmark Holiday Handbook:

Any woman who is gestationally compromised cannot be considered a "mother" on the Second Sunday of May unless the current womb inhabitant is not the first offspring of the woman. Any presents or cards offered to such a woman must be burned in the middle of the restaurant (or other celebratory location) immediately.

Subsection Junior - This goes for men too.

Regardless, it was a nice day and my wife got to burn some nice stuff.

A lot of first-time pregnancies at this eatery.

Well, it's Tuesday and you know what that means, blog readers - new fruit or vegetable! We have a good melon streak going. According to Baby Center, our little girl is now the size of a stalk of Swiss chard. Why just looking at my baby's size makes me want to throw up. Is there a grosser anything in the world? No. There isn't. It looks like a fifth grade project where you have to make a vegetable (lettuce) look like an animal (fish) to satisfy some weird "We're all living things" challenge by a sadistic science teacher.

Your neutrality does not help matters, chard!

The baby is now considered "full term" which means if it was born today (God forbid that miracle), the baby would be fine and not need to be put in the incubator (or Baby Bake Oven). Now that the baby is full term, my wife an I can start putting together the hospital bag. That's what we've been waiting for.

Look, our pile has gotten bigger which means we are more ready to go to the hospital than we were last time I talked about this. I actually think we have everything we need in the pile now. We just have to bag it so no need to ask about the hospital bag anymore. This blog is done talking about it.

Terrific Tweets

Jon Friedman, a very funny man who writes for Jimmy Fallon, keeps a list of his favorite tweets from the week. This week I was fortunate enough to have one of my tweets included. To see the post, click here.

I'm on Jimmy Fallon's blog. On the same page as Lizz Winstead, Toddy Barry, and Jim Gaffigan. I'm pleased. Thanks, Jon!

Tor Baby Countdown: 25 Days

Boy Jerkface has started to take on stairs. He got the go-ahead from his doctor yesterday. We were instructed to roll a towel and put it under his body like a sling to take some of the weight off his back legs. The first attempt was before bed last night.

At this point in our post-torn ACL life, Boy Jerkface has gotten used to being carried around. He shows no interest in using his legs like a sucker. Why climb the stairs when someone can cradle you like a baby and bring you where you want to go? It makes sense. So it was no surprise when I implemented the sling and he stood there with a "What's going on with my back legs?" look on his face. We were doing the doggie wheelbarrow but with no forward momentum.

Not the picture I was looking for but fun nonetheless.

We gave up for the night but this morning was a new day. Boy Jerkface made for the stairs and I stood a few stairs down from him and we went slow. He made it to the first landing. I was so proud of him.

Me

Do you want to keep going?

Boy Jerkface

...

Me

Ok!

Down he went to the first floor. He kept going. Can we go down the last flight to the garage? All of the stairs in one morning? Does this dog have the healing ability of Wolverine? How is this possible?

Me

All the way to the garage, buddy?

Boy Jerkface

...

Me

Well don't let me stop you.

He made it down 30 steps in total without a hiccup. I've never been prouder of him. I rubbed his back furiously saying, "Good Boy! Good Boy!" I was near tears.

When we got to the garage, I put him on his bicycle and we started in the parking lot. I was running behind him and he barked, "Let go of the seat! I can do it!" I let go and he went across town and got us lunch. It's been a magical morning.

Tee hee

I can't imagine the kind of excitement and happiness I will feel when (not if, damn it!) my daughter accomplishes things if I got this elated for the dog. "You're crawling! Good girl!" Head rub. "You're holding the sippy cup all by yourself! Good girl!" Belly scratch. Who said dogs can't be a prelude to children?

If no one has, this picture leaves me thinking someone needs to say it.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 5 (Elimination)

And then there were 2.

Wait, I got ahead of myself. Big Mike and Casey are still around. I advanced the show to its logical conclusion before the producers got to do it. Think I'm being silly, though? How much were Big Mike and Aaron involved in the Ford commercial or the medleys? Not much. The judges are so pro-Lee that they haven't commented on his pitch problems since pre-Top 12. I've read many American Idol blogs talking about his pitch problems. I don't claim to know about singing in tune. However, I did hear a bad note or two when I rewatched this week's show. Still, they want him in the finals and Crystal too. No amount of love for Big Mike is going to change that or shots of Casey's butt for that matter.

There was no Bottom 3 this week.

Bottom 2:

Big Mike - The voting public must love pork because that's the only way to explain how this ham has made it this far. He will have another week of Randy praising him and America not voting for him. It really bothers me how much joy his wife shows in his survival while someone else's dream is shattered. I swear significant others in the past have shown much more subtlety in their celebrations of earning another week. Though, I wouldn't expect Big Mike to marry someone who is subtle. That's like a bear marrying an unsubtle bear.

Aaron Kelly - I never liked him but he's in the right place for Idol losers - country. If you don't win Idol, it is best to go country. This isn't a knock on the type of music but former Idol contestants have found solid careers in country music.

1. Kelly Pickler - She has won actual awards!?!?
2. Josh Gracin - He was the marine.
3. Bucky Covington - He was not very good but he's apparently good now!
4. Phil Stacey - Bet you never thought you'd see his lemur-like face again.
5. Kristy Lee Cook - She's got some looks to her...
6. Danny Gokey - Really??

Final Thoughts: We are a week away from getting to hear Lee and Crystal sing twice. That's something to look forward to. I have no other thoughts other than the fact that I love Lady Gaga. For me, for you, this wasn't her best performance but I'm still a fan. She just entertains. She can sing the phone book or monotone speak the phone book. It doesn't matter. I love when she takes the stage. I wish she would mentor. Maybe next season.

Tor Baby Countdown: 27 Days

Wow. That's 3 9-day weeks away. I realized something today. If you take away the incessant heartburn, the ever-swelling ankles and feet, the pain under the rib cage, the sleepless nights, the pugilism aimed at the internal organs, the constant bathroom runs, the unhappiness with getting dressed every day in the awful clothes, and the overall discomfort, carrying Boy Jerkface for the cumulative five minutes every day has given me a real sense of what it's like to be pregnant.

With my insensitive powers combined...

We went to the baby doctor today. We are at the point where we will go every Wednesday. (Do you hear that robbers? Our home will be empty every Wednesday but I'm not giving you the time. You have to work a little.) Also, "baby doctor" is not a disrespectful way of putting it. He specialized in baby at med school and holds a BMD. Disrespectful would be laughing and saying, "You have a bowel movement degree."

Before I go to the baby doctor, I make sure I go to the bathroom. Like I force it out. I want to ensure I don't have to use the bathroom at the doctor's office. I am going to explain the scenario I want to avoid when I do all of this stuff. Let's take a glimpse into my stupid, stupid mind.

I go to the bathroom. I finish my business, wash my hands, and exit the bathroom. I say hi and smile at a nurse as I return to the room my wife is in. That nurse goes to find a file somewhere. Another nurse, having checked the contents of my wife's or some other patient's urine sample, goes into the bathroom, lifts the lid, and pours it out into the toilet. She leaves the bathroom. The first nurse goes in shortly after and finds the seat up. That nurse blames it on the guy who she saw leaving the bathroom earlier. I'm the jerk who left the toilet seat up at the OB/GYN.

I didn't do it.

I can't handle that. I could try to explain that I never pee standing up or rarely go in public but that will just exacerbate the problem and prolong the discomfort. That is just a little taste of the anguish I feel when I go to the baby doctor with my wife.

In other news, the baby is doing well.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 5

Harry Connick, Jr. is a great musician. And a total goofball. I was nervous when I heard that he was arranging the songs for them because I like when the Idols (Lee and Crystal) do their own thing but I think it worked out. Truthfully, I feel like as long as Lee is ok, the mentor did a good job. Also, they still found a way to go over the hour and cut into Glee with only 5 singers. How?!?!

Aaron Kelly - "Fly Me to the Moon" - When his hips wiggle like that, I like to picture him with 12 hula hoops about his waist. It makes the boring performances more entertaining. "Keep going, Aaron! Oh no, one's falling! Wait, the song's over?" Perfect.

Something to shoot for, Aaron. That's 100.

Casey James - "Blue Skies" - The Brookstone massage chair was at the highest setting for this song. Now I know why Casey never holds notes. It's because the world isn't ready for it. Casey needs to find another world where they will accept that kind of singing. And I think he can book a ticket on an exploratory rocket for tomorrow morning.

Crystal Bowersox - "Summer Wind" - I thought it was dull. It sounded pretty but I didn't want to hear it a second time which I have for past Crystal performances. She talks back too much and the stylists dress her horribly. If she was on "What Not to Wear," Stacy and Clinton would throw out her whole Idol wardrobe before they gave her a shopping spree.

"It all starts with a bra that really fits."

Big Mike - "The Way You Look Tonight" - It's never good when he's my other favorite besides Lee. It was good. I'll begrudgingly give it to him. I'm handing over the positive critique with a tight grip as Big Mike tries to take it but I won't let go. "Good job, Big Mike," comes off my tongue just as easily as "Here, you can have my winning Mega Millions ticket," but he deserves it. Damn it.

Lee DeWyze - "That's Life" - Minus a strange arrangement at the end, I loved it. A good performance from Lee is like waking up in the morning. You just know it's going to happen. Lee took the top spot from Crystal tonight after being second all season. Just like Phil will take Tiger's spot this weekend. Great job.

Bottom Three: We will finally have Crystal in the Bottom 3. She'll be fine but I think she belongs here after two so-so weeks. Aaron will be here as usual but he has more of a teenage girl following than Casey does so he'll be safe. That leaves Casey who failed to put consistent weeks together. If he was in trouble after being good last week, then he will easily go home after this crapfest.

Going Home: Casey James

Tor Baby Countdown: 28 Days

We have just completed our 36th week of pregnancy. I don't know about my wife but these 36 weeks have been a breeze on my end. I bet baby rearing will be the same. Well it's Tuesday and that means "New Fruit Day." Baby Center told us today that our daughter is the size of a crenshaw melon. Little know fact - The crenshaw melon is named after 2-time Masters winner and Hall of Fame golfer, Ben Crenshaw.* Oh if only our daughter will play the gentleman's game as well as he.

Also the shape of baby's head upon world entry.

I'm still amazed by the fact that we are having a baby. I don't scream "father material." I think you can count on one hand the number of people who, upon meeting me, leave thinking, "That guy can impregnate someone." I just don't put off a fertile vibe. I get it. I'm goofy. Also, previous to now, I've never made somebody pregnant. Thus surprise at my current situation is a fair conclusion.

Don't do a search for "fertile vibe."

Making a baby girl has to be in my Top 2382 Things that I've Accomplished list. It's right above accomplishing at least 2383 things so that I can have such a list. I don't know what kind of father I will be. Good would be a welcome assessment when all is said and done. I am 4 weeks away from beginning the process of parenting and I can't wait. Though I will for the baby's medical well-being. See? I'm a good dad already!

Awww, you shouldn't have, unborn daughter.

* Not true.