Rejected Palin Memoir Titles

It's been a while since there was a Twitter game that I've partaken in. The latest has you come up with other titles for the Sarah Palin memoir. Here is what I came up with:

1. A Pedigree of Dunces
2. Eats, Shoots, & Leaves Office
3. 100 Days of Ineptitude: Tracking the Race from VP Consideration to November 4th
4. I Support Abortion (Of Political Office Terms)
5. Running With Geezers
6. Gov in the Time of Obama
7. Brief Interviews With Hideous Me
8. Are You There Todd? It's Me, Maverick
9. The Lord of the Trig
10. Life of Lie

Tor's Onion Stories: September 29, 2009

Here are 10 more stories that I would submit to The Onion. Unfortunately, The Onion does not accept submissions from people with last names consisting solely of 3 letters. Just my stupid luck. I'm paying the price for having an easy time filling out Scantrons in grammar school.

• Scientists Believe Homeless Man That Throws Own Feces Could Be Missing Link
• Fat Kid, Roger Dawkins, Does Not Like Cake
• "Cash For Myrrh" Not Nearly As Successful As Hoped
• Native American Destroys Old Camera Reclaiming Grandfather's Soul
• Boater Designs New Anchor Shaped Like Ex-Wife
• Sad Ant Strains To Lift Half Its Body Weight
• Soccer League Shut Down Due To Too Much Action
• Odd-Looking Proctologist Swears He's Not An Alien
• Cherry Bomb Prank Backfires And Improves School's Plumbing System
• Portugal To Bring Back Feudalism, Disappointment

How about these? Would you like to see these in print form? Write your congressman.

Alternate Titles For The Informant

I went to see "The Informant" yesterday. I enjoyed it and Matt Damon, acting at about 120% capacity, did a fantastic job. It's worth a watch, maybe not a theater watch, but definitely a DVD rental. Anyway, I've been playing around with some alternate titles for the movie and here is what I've come up with:

• Good Will Chunking
• Saving Private Giant
• All The Tasty Horses
• Rounder
• The Legend of Fatter Vance
• Pigma
• Stuck On Food
• The Bourne Up And Ate 'Em
• Ocean's Elevenses*

* Come on, "Lord of the Rings" fans!

Blogger's Note: Special consideration goes to Dirt in the Skirt, for the Twitter suggestion of "Fat Damon." Simple and perfect.

Terrible TV Show Ideas (Take 2)

I did this a few months back and I feel it's time to do it once more.

1. An uptight lawyer is intrigued by the crazy experiments of the research group he is sharing an apartment with. Coming soon: Dharma Initiative and Greg. "They HanSO crazy!"
2. Life is as hard as you make it and this U.S. Navy legal advisor makes it really hard. Coming soon: JAG-Off. "He's got all hands on deck and deck doesn't like it and needs to say something to a superior."
3. Dylan McDermott leads an acclaimed team as they adjust some of the most important spines in Boston. Coming soon: The ChiroPractice. "There's no case they can't crack."
4. Wanting to be more than one of Robin Hood's Merry Men, a man sets out to improve the aesthetics of all the unfortunate-looking maidens in England. Coming soon: Friar Nip/Tuck. "Shouldn't there be 2 d's in 'damsel?'"
5. A music-and-comedy duo keeps things light as they storm Normandy as the only members of Easy Company. Coming soon: Band of Smothers Brothers. "Mom may like one better but Germany hates them both."
6. A conniving high school student schemes his way through classes under the ignorant watch of a germaphobe. Coming soon: Saved By the Mandel. "Let's see what's in briefcase number FUN!"
7. A street-smart teenager gets in a fight and is sent to live with his distant Slavic relatives. Coming soon: Fresh Prince of Belgrade. "In West Philadelphia born and raised, Serbia is where he'll spend all of his days."
8. A delicious alternative to beer helps the less fortunate occupants of Ancient Greece. Coming soon: Zima: Warrior Princess. "She's going to give bad guys zomething to think about."
9. Superman keeps his identity hidden by posing as a fairly successful cartoonist during the day. Coming soon: Hi and Lois and Clark. "Sometimes it's nice to make someone smile without saving their life."
10. At night, delivery truck drivers get together to blow off steam with underground bare-knuckle boxing and one man is the best promotor in town. Coming soon: Don King of Queens. "There will be a fight for glory-a in Astoria!"

Blogger's Note: I started doing Ray Lewis Can't Lose about a football player who could get away with murder (figuratively) but that doesn't trump the fact that he got away with murder (literally).

Bing Boredom

They help with arthritis!

There are numbers you can call. :(

That farmer must wake up every day singing about his dog and hating every second of it.

Q: How they hanging? A: Tantrically.

Going To The Movies: Benjamin Linus

It took many weeks for Eloise Hawking to find me a flight that would get me to the Island. I don't know why Ben couldn't take a sub to meet me in New Jersey. I know Locke blew up their sub but they don't have a backup sub? They seem to have everything at their fingertips but a second sub? No, that's crazy. It's much easier for me to be in a FREAKIN' PLANE CRASH to get to Ben Linus.

I'm sorry. It was just a miserable experience. I woke up hanging from a tree, a stolen copy of "The Invention of Lying" dangling three branches over. I'll spare you the shimmying and the stretching but I got down with a minimal amount of head bumps. (My phrenologist is going to have a field day.)

Ben had set up the video monitors in The Pearl station to display the film together. Ben was dressed better than his picture. He greeted me warmly and apologized for the inconveniences I had in my travels. I punched him in the face. It made me feel better and he didn't retaliate. He merely said he got that a lot. We sat down and watched the movie, finishing off two bags of 30 year-old Dharma popcorn.

Kevin

So, Ben, let's get this over with so I can get back home. What did you think of the movie?

Ben Linus

I'm sorry, Kevin. You can't go home.

Kevin

Excuse me?

Ben Linus

The Island has been going through some depression and we were hoping you could cheer it up with your...comedy.

Kevin

You want me to tell jokes to a land mass?

Ben Linus

In a sense...yes.

Kevin

I'm going home. I'm going to build a raft and head on a bearing of 305 degrees. Bye, Ben.

Ben Linus

I can't let you do that.

Kevin stands up. Ben pulls out a gun and points it in Kevin's direction.

Ben Linus

Have a seat. I want to show you something.

Kevin sits down. Ben pulls out a video tape and puts it in to a VCR. Dr. Pierre Chang appears on the screen.

Dr. Chang

Hello and welcome to the Dharma Initiative. This is Station 5, The Pearl. I cannot express what an honor it is to have you, Mr. Carlin.

Kevin

Carlin?

Ben pauses the video.

Ben Linus

It was the 70s. We also have a tape for Richard Pryor but I figured George Carlin was closer to you.

Kevin

Because I'm white?

Ben Linus

No, because I think currently, you are just as funny as he is.

Kevin

But he's dead now.

Ben Linus

Exactly. Funny, right? You can use that in your act.

Kevin

That was disrespecful. Look, you can't be serious.

Ben Linus

Oh, I'm dead serious, Jack.

Kevin

You mean Kevin.

Ben Linus

Sorry, I'm so used to saying that to Jack. Shall we continue?

Ben hits "play" on the VCR.

Dr. Chang

Mr. Carlin, we have chosen you for your ability to observe and comment humorously on what you see. The Pearl Station is the perfect place to do that with cameras monitoring all points of the island. Just write down anything that strikes you in the notebooks provided and, at the end of the day, send them in the tubes where they will be transfered to the appropriate personal. Thank you again, Mr. Carlin, and welcome to the Dharma Initiative.

Kevin

I know where the tubes go. There's an open field where the notebooks are piled with no one reading them.

Ben Linus

Not true. The Island reads them.

(beat)

Well, if that's all, I'll let you get started.

Kevin

I'm not staying here!

Ben hits Kevin in the back of the head with the butt of the gun, knocking him unconscious.

And that's how I came to be on this island. I don't know how long it will be until I get to do another Going to the Movies. I don't know how long it will be until I see my wife again. Ben promised me I would only be here for six months but isn't that what he told Juliet, too? I want to thank Jacob for helping me get this blog out. As for The Invention of Lying, it was very funny and very original. I recommend seeing it. Maybe someone can take my wife to see it. I know she would like that. Until next time, whenever that is. I love you, honey.

Tor's Onion Stories: September 21, 2009

Here are 10 more stories that I would submit to The Onion if they wanted me to submit to them, which they don't.

• A New Breed Of Clumsy Eagles Not Helping America's Image
• Less Than Perfect Pushups Still Yield Good Results
• Real Life "Doogie Howser" Not As Much Fun
• 7-Year-Old Boy Saved From Drowning By Plastic Bag Over His Head
• Black Sets Record Straight: "Nothing Is The New Me"
• Performer Attendance Down 40 Percent At Broadway Shows
• Woman With Nine Children Turns Down Reality Series, Claims Did It For Love
• Oil Driller Misses The Attention He Got After "Armageddon" Came Out
• White Collar Comedy Not As Popular In The South
• Britney Spears' Singing Passes Yodeling And Loogie Hocking On "Annoying Mouth Noises" Chart

Would you read these?