Tor's Onion Stories: September 21, 2009

Here are 10 more stories that I would submit to The Onion if they wanted me to submit to them, which they don't.

• A New Breed Of Clumsy Eagles Not Helping America's Image
• Less Than Perfect Pushups Still Yield Good Results
• Real Life "Doogie Howser" Not As Much Fun
• 7-Year-Old Boy Saved From Drowning By Plastic Bag Over His Head
• Black Sets Record Straight: "Nothing Is The New Me"
• Performer Attendance Down 40 Percent At Broadway Shows
• Woman With Nine Children Turns Down Reality Series, Claims Did It For Love
• Oil Driller Misses The Attention He Got After "Armageddon" Came Out
• White Collar Comedy Not As Popular In The South
• Britney Spears' Singing Passes Yodeling And Loogie Hocking On "Annoying Mouth Noises" Chart

Would you read these?

Terrible TV Show Ideas

I posted this on my blog a couple of weeks ago but then decided to submit it to McSweeney's. They don't accept things that have been posted elsewhere so I took it down. Turns out I didn't need to because they rejected it. So I'm putting it back up. Enjoy it even though they didn't.

1. Former Olympic gold medal-winning figure skater is forced to inhabit the bodies of random people throughout time. Coming soon: Michelle Kwan-tum Leap. "Let's hope the next triple lutz is the triple lutz home."
2. A tribe of 10-year-old girl robots learns to coexist with the Pilgrim settlers that have inhabited their land. Coming soon: Smallpox Wonder. "They're bringing love and laughter and high fevers everywhere."
3. Cameron Diaz, Alicia Silverstone, Julia Stiles, and Ellen Pompeo help the less fortunate and oppressed out of trouble. Coming soon: The A-Cup Team. "They titty the fool...just not a lot."
4. A mystery writer with a short attention span and not a lot of time to live stumbles upon murder investigations and helps the police. Coming soon: Murder, She Tweeted. "@sheriffmetzger found body...know who dunnit #homicide"
5. A blind musician moves in with a family and gets free rent in exchange for babysitting and providing musical accompaniment during dinner. Coming soon: Ray Charles In Charge. "He's not going to stand for that 'new boy in the neighborhood' crap."
6. One of the hardest working people in show business and one of the laziest private investigators the world has ever known team up to take down the bad guys. Coming soon: Timberlake And The Fatman. "They always manage to get there Justin time."
7. A British ruminant mammal becomes a proper butler for a family that loves to hunt. Coming soon: Mr. Belve-deer. "If he doesn't keep a good house, they'll have him for dinner."
8. A hip and famous American writer moves to Oakland, California to become a substitute teacher at the local high school where he will mentor kids and suffer from dropsy. Coming soon: Hangin' With James Fenimore Cooper. "Let's all do the Bumppo."
9. A 16-year-old roller disco with the help of a Greek Muse graduates medical school and becomes a resident surgeon at Eastman Medical Center. Coming soon: Xanadu-gie Howser. "What he lacks in precision and dexterity due to his lack of arms and hands, he more than makes up for with boogie oogie."
10. A funny and bright little girl, abandoned by her parents, seeks shelter in a vacant apartment where she spends her days perfecting her recipe for the perfect pint. Coming soon: Punky Brewmaster. "This girl's got some hops."

Blogger's Note: I actually googled "small boob celebrities" because I had no knowledge of celebrity chest sizes. Also, I was also working on Pee-Wee Herman's Head but the description ended just being too close to Pee-Wee's Playhouse.

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: NPH Digital Short

Hulu got permission (finally) to put this up. I can watch this over and over for days. I was feeling a little down this morning but now, I have renewed energy. 

Well, what are you waiting for? Enjoy it!