Tor's News Nuggets: 9/1/09

Whitney Houston released a new album today. Whitney says she's excited to have a whole new set of songs that people will immediately change the station upon hearing.

Reports are coming in that Iran updated their nuclear package. Unfortunately, Iran was the victim of spam because there is no pill that can "add 6 inches of girth to your nuclear package."

Sarah Palin's first major speaking engagement since leaving office will be in Hong Kong. This is a smart move because there's a better excuse when no one understands what the hell she's talking about.

549 musicians have come together to set the record for the largest mariachi band. They were immediately followed by 549 old women offering "rose for the lady."

549 musicians have come together as a mariachi band to set a world record. They set the record for "Most Audience Members Stabbing Themselves In The Ear."**

------------------------------------------------------------

The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about 2 weeks ago. So, they might be a little old.

Bob Dylan, walking without ID, was detained after police officers did not recognize him while on patrol. His son, Jakob, showed up to help but that just made things worse.

A new study shows that dogs can smell cancer. So, I guess every dog has ass cancer.

Simon Fraser University is introducing a grade worse than an F. The grade is based on the end of Brett Favre's career.

90 percent of US dollar bills have traces of cocaine. The other 10 percent were handled as part of a clean-up project by the 1986 Mets.

Jenny Sanford, in an interview with Vanity Fair, said that she is willing to reconcile with her husband but "the ball is in his court." At least he got one back.

Eric Dane, "McSteamy" on "Grey's Anatomy," says that a video of he and his wife frolicking naked with another woman is "not a sex tape." So, it's a serious medical drama tape?

Michael Jackson's burial date has been set for September 3rd, over 2 months after he passed away. Good thing he started preserving his body 30 years ago.

After a mixup at the recruiting office, Steve Spurrier and other top college football coaches heavily recruited a trumpet player. Nothing was suspected because the recruit kept answering yes to the question, "Do you have the brass to compete at our school?"

Mozart apparently died of strep throat. If only he had come down with it when he was 235, we could have fixed him.

Paris Hilton was sued $8.3 million in damages by the producers of "Pledge This!" for not doing enough to promote the film. The judge threw out the case saying it was ridiculous to think Paris Hilton could do...well, anything.

** Also acceptable: "Fastest Audience Exit" or "Most Pant Studs"

Popeye In Real Life

Ever wonder what Popeye would look like in real life? Big mistake. Special effects artist Rick Baker decided to take away the mystery and destroy all of our happy childhood thoughts with this:

Quick thoughts:

• Does spinach have Botox in it? Because that guy is not beating up anyone.
• How can Bluto feel good about himself pummeling that guy?
• Olive Oyl can really see the beauty in anything.
• Is it me or does the creepy sailor suit really take it to the next level of ewww?

Thanks, Rick Baker!

Tor's Onion Stories: August 25, 2009

I thought I would start something new. I would love to write for The Onion one day and there's no better way to prepare for writing for something than to pretend to write for it. So I am going to periodically come up with 10 stories that I would submit to The Onion.

• Frank Caliendo Diets To Resemble People He Does Impressions Of
• Drunk Man Pees On Picasso Collection Turning It Green
• French Horn Playing Leads To Cat Ownership Later In Life
• Phish Fan Too High To Realize Band's Five Year Hiatus
• Sliced Bread Still Considered Really Great
• Google Maps Shows Country Roads NOT Best Route Home For John Denver
• New CBS Sitcom Enjoyed By Studio Audience
• Turns Out Father's Missing Child Was On Top Of His Head All Along
• Roger Turdburger Earns Nobel Prize, 5 Minutes Without Name Mocking
• Local Man Makes One Too Many "Don't Block The Box" Jokes To Girlfriend

What do you think?

What Else Can Happen To The Mets?

Two days ago, you would have said that the Mets season was a debacle. Then yesterday, they lost a game on an unassisted triple play, the first time that has happened since 1927. Today, they've added injury to insult as they announced that Jeff Francoeur tore a ligament in his thumb, and that they were sending Johan Santana to be examined by a doctor. This now means that Frankie Rodriguez is the only actual major leaguer left on the team.

What else could possibly go wrong with the Mets? That's where Etan Bednarsh and I come in. As devout Mets fans and comedians, we decided to each come up with a list of 10 predictions for stories - and the corresponding New York Post headlines- we expect to see before season's end. Read below for my list and then head over to Etan's list.

1. PoorBitz - The Mets show up at the wrong stadium when the traveling secretary looks at the wrong date on the schedule. The Cardinals, who were supposed to play the Cubs, approached them and said, "Look, the Mets showed up. We'll still play you guys tomorrow and the day after. I feel bad that they came all this way."
   
2. Look Ma, No Hands...Or Tact - Gary Sheffield made a spectacular catch when he threw his glove at a line drive. Sheffield started throwing his glove at every fly ball not hit directly at him over a week ago. Though he is 1 for 26 on catches in this manner, Manuel called the play "gansta" and said there are no problems with Sheffield and the Mets. In other news, visitors have now hit 25 inside the park home runs at Citi Field, a Major League record.
3. A Life Cut Shirt - Mr. Met was killed by a jammed T-shirt cannon. Jennie, of the Pepsi Party Patrol, said they were warned never to try to fire a jammed T-shirt cannon but Mr. Met saw a little boy on the Promenade that really wanted a shirt. Mr. Met will be honored with a 21 T-shirt cannon salute following tomorrow's game.
4. Forfeiting End - On the last day of the season, Fernando Tatis pulled his hamstring running to first. With the rest of the team on the disabled list, Tatis fielded Hunter Pence's grounder at shortstop and tried to beat Pence to first when he came up lame as he passed the pitcher's mound. The Mets attempted to send Kevin Burkhardt out to finish the game but the umps cited the rule book forcing the Mets to forfeit. Tatis is listed as season to season.
5. FranCorpse - In the 5th inning with the Mets down 10 runs and wondering what else could go wrong, the Pepsi Porch succumbed to a season's worth of its inhabitants eating Shake Shack, collapsing and crushing Jeff Francoeur. Shake Shack will honor him by offering French's Mustard with every hot dog.
6. Thumbelievable - Alex Cora, not wanting to sit out anymore, has two more arms added to his body. Unfortunately, Cora tore tendons in both of those new thumbs sliding into second. No word on whether Cora will pursue a 5th and 6th arm.
7. K-Fraud - After Francisco Rodriguez blew his third save in a row, the Mystery Van crashed through the left field wall and screamed towards the mound. Velma, tapped into the PA system, told the fans that this was not K-Rod and pulled off his silicone mask to reveal Ron Taylor from the 1969 team. K-Rod was later found bound and malnourished below Box Frites.
8. PaGone - Angel Pagan returned to heaven with Christopher Lloyd. Pagan, realizing there was nothing more he could do for the Mets, flew off the field in the 4th inning to receive a new assignment from God.
9. Green Apple - The Shea Stadium Apple, tired of hearing how great the Citi Field Apple looks, urinated on the electrical system that controls the hydraulics of its replacement. Unfortunately for the Shea Stadium Apple, the Mets did not hit another home run forcing the Apple to come clean in frustration. Jeff Wilpon is letting the Apple sit in a cell overnight to think about what he's done and will post bail tomorrow.
10. Mentally Wright - David Wright extended his record streak by homering in his 45th straight at-bat since returning from being hit in the head by a Matt Cain fastball. Opposing pitchers, afraid that Wright can now see the future, cannot bring themselves to intentionally walk him. Wright stares at them and all of a sudden the intentional walk seems like a bad idea. Bud Selig says there is nothing in the rules against precognition or mind control.

Don't forget to go to Etan's blog for 10 more Mets possibilities.

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Ridiculous Reporter

Finally, a reporter that knows how to tell a story. The public needs visual recreations, not fancy words. I defy you not to laugh at this.

A Man's Man's Review of "He's Just Not That Into You"

In order to prepare myself for this chick flick, I threw down five brewskis (or brewdawgs, depending on your geographical location) and waited for them to reach my bladder. I took the DVD out of the case and peed all over it before I popped it into the player. After a quick run to Best Buy to get a new DVD player (and a "defective" disc return to Blockbuster), I settled in with a bucket of wings and a mini-keg of Heineken.

After I press play, there's a little girl building a sand castle and this boy comes up to her and pushes her to the ground. It's hilarious. I almost spit out my beer. That girl grows up, I think, and she has hot friends like the girl from "The Hulk" and Rachel from "Friends." They start blabbering about something dumb that I could not understand, probably "Sex and the City."

From what I could tell, "Hulk" girl is married to the douchebag from "Wedding Crashers" but he's not happy with her after falling for Scarlett Johansson at a grocery store. Rachel wants to marry Good Will Hunting's boyfriend but he won't because he knows he's getting cow milk for free. Smart dude. The original girl wants E from "Entourage" but E is into ScarJo who is best friends with the grown up version of the girl from "Firestarter." Original girl finds out E is really not into her (hey, like the title) from the mouth of the Mac (or the PC, it's the less nerdy one) guy. 

So "Wedding Crashers" guy starts having an affair with ScarJo which is implied as I never get to see any boobs. They make out but that's not cheating. I let it play while I go use the can. These wings are going right through me.

We're back. I took a little longer than expected because the bisexual girl from "House" is on the cover of the new Maxim. Holy crap! She's an 11! What's going on in the movie? Oh look, original girl is being boring while on the phone with the Mac guy (Googled it). What a surprise. This movie blows. I'm going to line up some shots of Jager. Something's going to get me through this.

Drinking game: Every time a girl on the screen whines, I do a shot.

Firestarrter!1! tWistd Fieestarrer! Woowoowoowoo! Woowoowowowooo!! Wrapp e in a papoose and wakl him around towm! This moovieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Oh my head. I must have blacked out. Why is the Mac guy kissing that first girl? Why did Affleck ask Rachel to marry him? What's wrong with these guys? Why did they give up? I give it 2 balls undescended. I'm going to the bar to drink through this headache and find some women without convictions.

VH1 Behind The Musics I'd Like To See

VH1 made some great Behind the Musics. There were some that I would still love to see.

• Tag Team - "The story of how even being able to point out where 'it' was was not enough. Now, they put the 'WHO?' in 'Whoomp.'"
• Mark Morrison - "The story of the man who thought the world was ready for the mack to return but was wrong."
• Meredith Brooks - "The story of how maybe it's better for career longevity to let people find out what you later are than to come out and say it in your first song."
• Lucas - "The story of how a man dealt with a society that preferred his lid firmly attached."
• Vengaboys - "The ironic story of the band that liked to party but was never invited to any."
• Lou Bega - "The story of a man haunted by the regret that he should have started with the first mambo and not the fifth and last one."
• The Proclaimers - "The sad story of two guys that never found anyone worth walking more than 48 miles for, far short of their lyrical ideal."
• Ini Kamoze - "The story of a lyricist with mob ties and steps that are excessively warm."
• Skee-Lo - "The story of a man who never had a wish come true and how it ate away at him."
• 2 in a Room - "The story of how no one knew what part of their body to wiggle and the heaps of hate mail they got because of it."

Even if you don't want to see any of these Behind the Musics, I hope you will have any of these songs stuck in your head for at least a week. You're welcome.