Live Blogging My 31st Birthday

I did this last year and it was a big hit with my readers (Read: wife and mother). So I thought I would do it again but this year I'm going to make it like a test. I will tweet the questions and I will put the answers here for you (Read: wife and mother) to check. Happy Birthday to me!!

1) I woke up to

a) my wife bringing me breakfast in bed.

b) my wife snoring loudly with her back turned.

Answer: b - But here's the whole story: Loly woke up early and made me pancakes, bacon, waffles, steak, ham, lasagna, and home fries just like I like every morning. However, when she went to get the orange juice, she found out we were out of it so she put everything down the garbage disposal and went back to bed. Understandable and the right move. A for Affort. God, she snores loudly.

2) True or False - Every year, my parents give me a different flavor of Baskin Robbins on my birthday not expecting me to live past this year.

Answer: False - I don't like ice cream.

3) What's the best birthday present I've ever gotten?

a) my wife's love

b) my Toyota Camry

c) original Nintendo

d) 3 way tie

Answer: No way it could be a 3-way tie. The answer is c) Original Nintendo - I can't begin to describe the joy I felt when I opened this present. I was probably the last of my friends to get it because my dad thought it would make me a shut-in but he caved. I played so much Mario and while I do love a practical car, it does not compare. Oh right, my wife told me she loved me on a day in February. Just a regular day. Totally wasted that one. She's not good at waiting.

4) Where am I going to lunch with my parents and grandpa?

a) Houlihan's

b) Penthouse Strip Club

c) Friendly's

Answer: a) Though my wife tells me the steaks are great there, we will be passing on the Penthouse Strip Club because my grandpa doesn't like to go to the city. And Friendly's is just more ice cream. I was seeing if you were paying attention to the whole quiz. Anyway, I love me some Houlihan's chicken fingers! The best best best honey mustard sauce ever!! EVER!!

5) What is my biggest wish for 2010?

a) fame

b) healthy baby

c) xbox 360

d) why can't I have them all?

Answer: b) What am I? A monster? Of course I want a healthy baby over an Xbox 360. That would be ridiculous. Now, as for Fame, I meant the DVD of the fantastic remake of the TV show so of course I want a healthy baby over that. I don't care how good Frasier was in in it.

6) Essay - What would be my perfect birthday?

Loly wakes up early and makes me pancakes, bacon, waffles, steak, ham, lasagna, and home fries but this time with orange juice, thank you very much. (You should have gotten this part if you were playing along today. Just saying.) I eat my large breakfast while watching "Anchorman" twice, back-to-back. (It's a big breakfast and I want to savor it.)

Then I take a bath using Watermelon Elmo Bubble Bath. It leaves me feeling baby soft and smelling like a jolly rancher. After I run around the house, both to air dry and avoid my licking dogs, I take Loly to a park where we recreate "I'll Cover You" from the wonderful musical "Rent." I'm sure it's self-explanatory who will sing what parts.

After the applause from the other people at the park dies down, we get lunch at Houlihan's because I love their chicken fingers with honey mustard. I let Loly get Snickers Crunch Pie because I like to share my daily joy with the love of my life and, also, she's paying.

Needing some exercise, Loly takes me to the miniature golf course that Happy Gilmore plays in the movie. I've always wanted to play mini-golf there. Haven't you?

We are there for a while because I keep winning free rounds on the 18th hole. In fact, when I leave they make a rule limiting the amount of free rounds a person can win. It is called the "18th LimiTortion."

We go to dinner at Calle Ocho for delicious steak with an egg on it. Loly has dessert again.

My birthday ends with Loly and I getting into bed. She rolls over, looks me in the eye, hesitates, and oh so slowly tells me I'm funny. We say good night and I fall asleep hoping to dream about the day all over again.

Tor's Onion Stories: December 29, 2009

I recently submitted to write for The Onion for the second time. Here are 10 story ideas that I did not use but enjoyed.

• World's First Sentient Plastic Bag Killed While Playing With Toddler
• Older California Raisins Have Trouble Hearing Grapevine
• On A Quest For Normalcy, Man Watches "Benjamin Button" Backwards
• Wide Leg Jeans Develop Eating Disorder When Sharing Rack With Skinny Jeans
• Man Living In Glass House Regrets Calling Idiom's Bluff
• World Ends When FailBlog Makes Mistake Posting About Its Mistake
• School's Horse Play Cancelled Due To Cast Members Fooling Around Too Much, Irony
• College Kid And Ball Reunited 12 Years After It Went In Creepy Neighbor's Yard
• Overpampering Parents Choose To Learn Baby Talk Over Forcing Child To Learn English
• NFL Player Satisfied Enough With Leading Virtual Self To Madden Title

10 Things Husbands Should Never Do (First Draft)

I was on Yahoo and they had an article "10 Things Husbands Should Never Do" from Woman's Day. As a husband to a great wife, I decided to click on it. Loly and I perused the article together. She decided it was the most sexist thing she's ever read. (What a drama queen. Right, fellas?) Anyway, what's crazy is that it was much better than the original draft the columnist handed in. Tor's Take was able to get a copy to show you. Enjoy (though you probably shouldn't).

Guys, we love you, we really do. Please believe us! You just have to! But as wonderful and superior as you are, sometimes you do things that upset us. Yes, we know how silly it is because everything upsets us because we rely too much on our feelings as you constantly (and rightly so) remind us. But please hear us out as we don't get to write things very often because we never have important things to say. Sorry I'm going on and on but you know how we like to yammer when we get a soapbox. We promise this won't get in the way of dinner. Please, please, don't ever...

1. Offer to "babysit" your own kids. It drives us crazy when you do this. You work hard all day to provide us with the materials to tend to your nutritional and comfort needs. Why would you have to do this too? Your job is to be the kids' favorite because you never play the bad guy. Our job is to nurture them for 18 years while you judge the job we do. So watch the game. We'll get your beer, slippers, and chips for you.

2. Imply that office work is harder than housework. There's no need to imply this. Of course it's harder. You need a degree to get an office job and that's something our brains aren't equipped to obtain. That's why we took an easy class like home economics in high school while you took that manly wood shop class where you learned how to build your own office out of wood or so we think. We also appreciate how you dumb down your answer to "How was your day, honey?" to "Fine" because anything more than that would give us a headache and not allow us to satisfy you properly in bed later.

3. Give a home appliance as a gift. First off, that would be like 3 or 4 gifts as they are expensive. However, we don't deserve material things. For what? Birthdays? You don't want us to get older so why celebrate that? For anniversaries? Your staying with us for ANY amount of time is present enough. The appliances that we have now are more than sufficient for getting our jobs done and, if they break, it is our fault for not using them properly. Everyone knows that.

4. Buy us the "cougar" perfume. We refer you back to the gift argument. Besides, your telling us how old we're getting is more than enough.

5. Brag about your driving. You are a fantastic driver. That's why we didn't argue when you took our license away. With grocery stores delivering these days, we don't need to be out on the road endangering the other males of society. That being said, we don't need you bragging about your driving prowess. We'd be more than happy to tell you how great a driver you are from the passenger seat you graciously allow us to inhabit. Shall we mark you down for a complement every 10 minutes? Splendid.

6. Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. Oh God, don't be unimpressed! We'll make you another one in a jiffy. Watch TV and a new delicious dinner will be in front of you before you know it. Don't be mad. How about we let your younger, more attractive secretary join us in the bedroom? Would that calm you down? Consider it done. You can even vocally compare our bodies. We don't mind.

7. Buy clothes without trying them on. There's no need for you to buy clothes. We can make them from scratch for less money. Then you can use that money to go out to bars and cheat on us. Looking in the mirror in the morning, we know that we're not enough woman for you. So let us make you something fancy so you can trade up.

8. Know it all, especially in public. We know how much smarter you are than us. There is no need to show this in public. It's a waste of your time. You can be using this time to talk bad about us to your friends, complain about the shortcomings of your favorite football team, or, again, find a sexier mistress.

9. Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. This really upsets us because it's not the haircut that's the problem. It's the whole package. We do hours of yoga and pilates but it's not going to make enough of a difference. We know the haircut is pointless but we have to try something. Suicide is the right answer but then who will take care of the kids while you're out working or dating? We have to think of you.

10. Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Don't expect a medal because it spoils the surprise. We've been in the garage (using all of our "outdoor time" for the week) smelting you a medal for putting your clothes in the hamper and you ruin everything by expecting it. Women have so few joys in life - satisfying you in bed at any cost, watching you eat, humming to ourselves, greeting you at the door, and making you a "World's Most Generous Husband" medal by melting down all the jewelry our mothers and grandmothers passed on to us. Don't destroy what little happiness our gender deserves by taking that away.

Wow. That was definitely much worse than what they published. It almost makes the published version seem progressive and pro-feminism. I guess well done, Women's Day, and you might want to look into getting counseling for the columnist.

Special Youtube Moment

I found this on the front page of YouTube before and it made me smile.

It's like looking up into the sky and seeing the same shooting star that another person somewhere in the world is seeing right before they call you stupid and gay.

Moments...

Huffington Post Loves FWP!

Yes, that's Freshwater Picnic's American Apparel version of the Gap Holiday Commercial! The Huffington Post thought we were funny! And they were right to think that! Thanks to the Huffington Post for putting it up! Here is a link to the article.

If you'd like to watch it again for the first time...

Stepdad Claus

This is the last holiday sketch and last sketch of the year from my new sketch group, Freshwater Picnic. Please enjoy it and we'll see you with many, many more videos in 2010!

Late one Christmas eve, Jimmy Freeman stayed up late to see Santa as he delivered presents. What Jimmy didn't know was that his Mom was also waiting for the 'Big Guy' as well. Needless to say, he saw his mother kissing Santa Claus and after that night, Jimmy's life has never been the same.



Great guest appearance by Shannon Taing (Mommy)!

Top 10 TV Comedies of the Aughts

I never got into Curb Your Enthusiasm and I have never watched Chappelle's Show so I apologize for them not being on this list. I also left off shows that started in the 90s, like Family Guy and According to Jim (har dee har). Finally, shows like Community, Better Off Ted, Parks and Recreation, and Modern Family have only just gotten started. They may belong here one day.

Honorable Mention:

Ed - The only hour-long I even considered. I really loved this show. Ed and Mike made me want to have $10 bets with people. Also, there's the Michael Ian Black effect. They filmed this show in Jersey which makes it even more lovely. Hell, I married a lawyer. Still waiting for her to open a bowling alley. I love red pin nights.

Andy Barker, P.I. - Andy Richter kept getting chances to be a sitcom star and none of them worked out. Some of them deserved a little more time and this was one of them. An accountant who was bored with his life and gets mistaken for a P.I. should have worked. Was the accountant angle where they went wrong? HBO seems to think so. Anyway, I loved how they used everything at the strip mall to solve cases and anything with Tony Hale is good.

Undeclared - Judd Apatow's second attempt after Freaks and Geeks was short-lived and very funny. My favorite episode was when Marshall entered the talent show on Parents Weekend. It was his way of showing them he wanted to grow up to be a Beck-like musician. That song will be in my head forever. Even on DVD, this show didn't get its due. They put the episodes in the wrong order on the discs. Nicely done, network.

My Name Is Earl - A fantastic show that had 1 down season and 3 great ones. Jason Lee, Ethan Suplee, Jaime Pressly, and Eddie Steeples kept me entertained every week. This show had heart and Greg Garcia deserves another show. There were rumors that TNT or TBS were going to keep it going and it was a mistake that they passed.

Top 10

10. Flight of the Conchords - This show was so simple. The humor was so easy. It never felt like it was stretching to make a joke. Sure concepts were weird but the behavior was right. And who will ever forget that love is like a roll of tape?

9. Scrubs - This started off as a great show, then had a down and a half a down season (end of the NBC run) and came back strong for its final season on ABC. The current show is a spin-off so it doesn't count. My best friend and I have had a steak night. We've sung "Guy Love" to each other. We own leather Eddie Murphy Raw suits. This show could make you cry and silly laugh in the same episode. That's not easy to do.

8. How I Met Your Mother - This show has been hurt by the laugh track. You’ll also notice that it’s the only show I have on here that has one. There is joy in this show. You can tell the cast likes being there. They are allowed to laugh at things that are funny which other sitcoms don’t do. And deriving a song out of the Slap Bet on Slapsgiving is something that gets me in the laugh region.

7. Weeds - Does my crush on Mary Louise Parker help this show? Of course. She’s beautiful and, if you weren’t in Almost Famous Mr. Crudup, I’d dislike you. Anyway, this show is smart and the supporting cast is tops. Andy, the brother-in-law, is a scene-stealer. Could I have made a show about a pot-dealing mom last 5 seasons? No, but that’s why there’s TV writers. They do it for me.

6. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - This is a show that started off with 4 and moved up to 5 unlikeable characters. There is not one redeemable person on this show and yet it works. How? And find me a better yeller on TV than Charlie Day and I’ll give you a medal that says, “Meticulous Searcher For Entertaining TV Yeller.” It may be hitting a creative wall but that happens when you set the bar so high.

5. The Office (U.S.) - This show was under the huge shadow of its British origin but it has grown out of it and into its own being. There is room in the world for both and people with open minds can see that. I would be lying if I said that Pam and Jim’s wedding didn’t make me cry. I’ve become invested in these characters and they make me laugh every week.

4. Andy Richter Controls The Universe - A travesty. This show got 19 randomly released episodes before it was cancelled and those were some of the funniest episodes I’ve ever seen. I know this sounds clichéd but I think TV wasn’t ready for it. It did the visible imagination thing infinitely better than Ally McBeal and should be owned on DVD by everyone that loves comedy. Fortunately, the guy who made this is behind "Better Off Ted," one of the funniest shows on TV right now.

3. The Office (U.K.) - While there is room for both versions, this is leaps and bounds better than the U.S. one. The uncomfortable, squirmy scenes make you cover your eyes and wish they would be over. It took me about 2 or 3 episodes to get used to the accent and manner of talking but once I managed that, I was hooked and watched all the episodes in a couple of days. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant are unparalleled comedy geniuses.

2. 30 Rock - This show is pure comedy. It’s silly. It has so many jokes in an episode, you can’t possibly catch them all. Though I’m sure Dr. Spaceman has a pill that can help you try. Sure the writer’s room is funny and Tracey Morgan is ridiculous. Kenneth the page isn’t so bad, either. But it’s all about Tina Fey. She made a masterpiece that I can’t believe is still on the air. It’s too good to last this long. Speaking of which…

1. Arrested Development - It’s not even close. In the same way I speak of Anchorman in my 2000s movies column, this is perfectly written. There are jokes interwoven throughout this series that human beings shouldn’t be able to plan. I don’t think there is one bad moment, one bad line, one bad reaction in any episode. This show should be studied and then attempts should be made to replicate the excellence. Even halfway decent stabs at making a show like this will be better than most of the stuff we watch nightly. Fie on the network for stopping the show. There is supposed to be a movie in the future and, sure it will be fantastic, but we deserve to be watching Season 7 right now.