Terrible TV Show Ideas (Take 2)

I did this a few months back and I feel it's time to do it once more.

1. An uptight lawyer is intrigued by the crazy experiments of the research group he is sharing an apartment with. Coming soon: Dharma Initiative and Greg. "They HanSO crazy!"
2. Life is as hard as you make it and this U.S. Navy legal advisor makes it really hard. Coming soon: JAG-Off. "He's got all hands on deck and deck doesn't like it and needs to say something to a superior."
3. Dylan McDermott leads an acclaimed team as they adjust some of the most important spines in Boston. Coming soon: The ChiroPractice. "There's no case they can't crack."
4. Wanting to be more than one of Robin Hood's Merry Men, a man sets out to improve the aesthetics of all the unfortunate-looking maidens in England. Coming soon: Friar Nip/Tuck. "Shouldn't there be 2 d's in 'damsel?'"
5. A music-and-comedy duo keeps things light as they storm Normandy as the only members of Easy Company. Coming soon: Band of Smothers Brothers. "Mom may like one better but Germany hates them both."
6. A conniving high school student schemes his way through classes under the ignorant watch of a germaphobe. Coming soon: Saved By the Mandel. "Let's see what's in briefcase number FUN!"
7. A street-smart teenager gets in a fight and is sent to live with his distant Slavic relatives. Coming soon: Fresh Prince of Belgrade. "In West Philadelphia born and raised, Serbia is where he'll spend all of his days."
8. A delicious alternative to beer helps the less fortunate occupants of Ancient Greece. Coming soon: Zima: Warrior Princess. "She's going to give bad guys zomething to think about."
9. Superman keeps his identity hidden by posing as a fairly successful cartoonist during the day. Coming soon: Hi and Lois and Clark. "Sometimes it's nice to make someone smile without saving their life."
10. At night, delivery truck drivers get together to blow off steam with underground bare-knuckle boxing and one man is the best promotor in town. Coming soon: Don King of Queens. "There will be a fight for glory-a in Astoria!"

Blogger's Note: I started doing Ray Lewis Can't Lose about a football player who could get away with murder (figuratively) but that doesn't trump the fact that he got away with murder (literally).

Tor's News Nuggets: 2/16/09

C-SPAN ranked the U.S. Presidents from best to worst with Abraham Lincoln in the top spot for the second straight set of rankings. Finishing last for the second straight time as well...James Buchanan. You know, you split a country into two warring parts and nobody ever forgives you. I do find it interesting that the two worst Presidents, Buchanan and Andrew Johnson, bookended Lincoln in history. So you can't open for or follow Lincoln. He's like the Goo Goo Dolls of U.S. leaders.

A toy vendor is manufacturing a Bernie Madoff action figure that wears a devil-red suit and carries a pitchfork. The doll also comes with a hammer so you can smash it. For $99.95, you will get most of the doll in the first shipment. You are then encouraged to return the part of the doll that you got and for an additional $49.95, you will get more of the doll than you previously received. After that, you have the option of returning that doll portion and sending $29.95 in order to be entered into a sweepstakes where you can get two whole dolls or half of the doll that you just sent back. It's a gamble but think about having two dolls!

That's a picture of Java, the new leopard cub belonging to Siegfried and Roy. He's already mauling at a full size level. Siegfried and Roy are delusionally and mind-bogglingly excited.

A mysterious fireball streaked across the sky in Texas yesterday morning. Police checked the area where it could have landed but found nothing out of the ordinary at Jonathan and Martha Kent's farm. Don't worry, Superman. Your secret's safe with me. No one reads this thing. I'd like to add that it's about time. Head's up though: people think you are gay and smell Batman's ass.

Michael Phelps will not be criminally charged for the picture of him with a bong because there was not enough evidence to prosecute. So if you are keeping track at home, a picture is enough to win a gold medal...

But not enough to press charges...

Something tells me he hit the bong harder than he hit the wall. Bong!