Tor's News Nuggets: 7/2/09

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. Weird, that's the same amount of time it will take me to understand what a Ponzi scheme is.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is refusing to step down from office in spite of his unprofessional behavior. In fact, he is going to hold his breath until everyone agrees.

Mississippi was voted the fattest state in the country for the fifth straight year. To celebrate, the governor's taking everyone out for ice cream.

Pat Boone, the singer from the 50s and 60s turned conservative political activist, is convinced that Barack Obama was born outside the U.S. and states Americans deserve to see Obama's birth certificate. I think Americans would rather see Pat Boone's death certificate.

It has been announced that Kevin Jonas is engaged prompting every middle school guy to reply, "To a dude, right? I knew it," which prompted every middle school girl to say, "Shut up! Ok, don't panic. There's still 2. The odds are worse, sure, but I can do it," which prompted every middle school math teacher to go, "She said odds? Really? And she knew they were worse? It's moments like these that make it all worth it."

A new study shows that having sex daily leads to healthier sperm. The study was paid for by every married man in the world.

Tor's News Nuggets: 2/16/09

C-SPAN ranked the U.S. Presidents from best to worst with Abraham Lincoln in the top spot for the second straight set of rankings. Finishing last for the second straight time as well...James Buchanan. You know, you split a country into two warring parts and nobody ever forgives you. I do find it interesting that the two worst Presidents, Buchanan and Andrew Johnson, bookended Lincoln in history. So you can't open for or follow Lincoln. He's like the Goo Goo Dolls of U.S. leaders.

A toy vendor is manufacturing a Bernie Madoff action figure that wears a devil-red suit and carries a pitchfork. The doll also comes with a hammer so you can smash it. For $99.95, you will get most of the doll in the first shipment. You are then encouraged to return the part of the doll that you got and for an additional $49.95, you will get more of the doll than you previously received. After that, you have the option of returning that doll portion and sending $29.95 in order to be entered into a sweepstakes where you can get two whole dolls or half of the doll that you just sent back. It's a gamble but think about having two dolls!

That's a picture of Java, the new leopard cub belonging to Siegfried and Roy. He's already mauling at a full size level. Siegfried and Roy are delusionally and mind-bogglingly excited.

A mysterious fireball streaked across the sky in Texas yesterday morning. Police checked the area where it could have landed but found nothing out of the ordinary at Jonathan and Martha Kent's farm. Don't worry, Superman. Your secret's safe with me. No one reads this thing. I'd like to add that it's about time. Head's up though: people think you are gay and smell Batman's ass.

Michael Phelps will not be criminally charged for the picture of him with a bong because there was not enough evidence to prosecute. So if you are keeping track at home, a picture is enough to win a gold medal...

But not enough to press charges...

Something tells me he hit the bong harder than he hit the wall. Bong!