Tor's Shark Facts (For Shark Week)

In honor of the beginning of Shark Week, I thought I would impart things that I know about sharks that maybe you didn't. This is stuff the Discovery Channel doesn't have the time to get to.

• Sharks are looked down upon by the other fish because they lack retirement plans.
• Sharks have a great sense of smell. It results in death if exposed to a particularly vicious hot boxing.
• A great gift to celebrate a shark's 1000th kill is a 1988 California Red Chum. It looks nice in the brine cellar.
• Sharks are governed absolutely by one shark. The King Shark rules over the entire Mon-Sharky.
• The dorsal fin of a shark was originally octagonal which caused two sharks, upon meeting, to die. Darwinism eventually fixed it.
• Sharks are not allowed to hunt humans in the summer without a license.
• Sharks are blessed with one of the most beautiful singing voices of any creature on Earth but they are cursed to live in the sea with its poor acoustics.
• Of all the shark professions, from killer to super killer, the most profitable is shark dentist.
• Male sharks battle for the attention of female sharks by showing how many barrels they can pull under water. The Great "Jeff" is said to have pulled 12 for "Maggie."
• Sharks are deathly afraid of fine china. That's why there were no sharks at the Titanic sinking. That and geographic location and water temperatures.

Dah-Dum Dah-Dum Goblin Shark

What if you were a shark that was really really lazy? Let's say a fish was in front of you. Your frightening jaws are open but the fish just won't swim into them. You have to swim five or six more inches now just to get that fish. Sucks to be a shark, right? Wrong! If you were a goblin shark, you would simply unleash your jaws like you fired them from a cannon. Then reel that fish back in and swallow. Simple. Why are you still reading? Check out the closest thing to the creature in the movie Alien you will hopefully ever see.