Dah-Dum Dah-Dum Goblin Shark

What if you were a shark that was really really lazy? Let's say a fish was in front of you. Your frightening jaws are open but the fish just won't swim into them. You have to swim five or six more inches now just to get that fish. Sucks to be a shark, right? Wrong! If you were a goblin shark, you would simply unleash your jaws like you fired them from a cannon. Then reel that fish back in and swallow. Simple. Why are you still reading? Check out the closest thing to the creature in the movie Alien you will hopefully ever see.

Space Beer, Really?

Japan has given us some great stuff: anime, the digital watch, a rhyme for a rap lyric ending with "flash in the pan." Now, they give us something even greater. Space beer. That's right. Space beer. But before you get excited and dream of glass bottles with Saturn's rings impossibly floating on the outside, the beer is "made with barley descended from grains that traveled in outer space." That is cheating. Can we really label this "space beer?" If that is the case, you can call me "Underwater Kevin" because my parents' nether regions were underwater at some point before I was born. Great, thanks a lot, Japan. Now, I'm thinking about my parents and their...(shudder).

Here's the thing, space beer should be brewed in space using the heat left behind by a comet or something equally space hot. At the very least, it should be set up and mounted outside the rocket so the hops boiling happens upon reentry. Six packs should come with a cozy shaped like a moon boot. Upon putting the can down, support legs should extend down and dig themselves into the coffee table (unless moon boot cozy is in use). Space dust should be infused in every can leaving a gritty film in your mouth after you swallow. That space dust film lets you know you're not drinking an impostor space beer like the aforementioned Japanese model. When you drink too much of it, your puke should defy gravity and float up to the sky. Am I wrong? What the hell, Japan? Don't you ever get my hopes up like this again! Ever!