Tor's News Nuggets: 11/12/09

It's time for last week's rejected jokes. I got 5 jokes in last week so there are less rejected ones. Maybe there will come a week where I post an empty blog. A freelance current event joke writer can dream, can't he?

Mel Gibson's girlfriend gave birth to his eighth child, seven from his previous marriage. This spring on TLC - "Mel and Hate Plus 8."

Nicolas Cage was disheartened to learn that he owed over 6 million dollars in back taxes. This is probably a bad time to tell him about the 100 million dollars in back tickets he owes moviegoers for "Ghost Rider."

A new series of Twilight Barbie dolls, based on the popular vampire books, will hit stores in time for the holidays. So now, not only does Barbie promote impossible aesthetic standards, she promotes impossible mortality standards too.

Harvard is offering a class where students can discuss the issues of HBO's "The Wire." In related news, Juliard is offering a class on Steven Bochco's "Cop Rock."

Jessica Simpson, after finding out her sister Ashlee was fired from "Melrose Place," twittered that the show was "crap." Moments later, the President of the United States declared a National Emergency stating only, "She's sentient."

Usain Bolt adopted a baby cheetah and named it "Lightning Bolt." That's like Kirstie Alley adopting a baby whale and naming it "I Like To Eat Whole Pizzas While Hiding In A Darkened Alley."

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. When the hotel is finished, the company will move on to its next product - a car that folds into a briefcase.

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. They insist the best way to get there is to use Orbitz.

A PGA player was suspended for one year after becoming the first professional golfer to test positive for performance enhancing drugs. The golfer figured the game would be easier with smaller balls.

Jeremy Piven is claiming that drinking soy milk has given him "man boobs." Piven's doctors are advising him to jug it out.

Lady Gaga says she has plans to one day release her own clothing line. She's just waiting for evolution to give humans the right number of appendages to wear it.

A church in Los Angeles is allowing worshippers to bring their dogs with them to attend the service. The reverend got the idea when he heard Jon Gosselin went to church.

Sarah Palin is not allowing press or any electronic devices at her upcoming Wisconsin speech. After she finishes talking, she will put on cool sunglasses, use her Neuralyzer, and tell everyone she did a great job.

Australian officials are trying to get Britney Spears to admit publicly that she will be lip synching at her concerts so that ticket buyers will not be misled. Said one official, "We're just trying to be sure. Nobody wants to see her really sing."

In Oklahoma, a couple driving an SUV almost ran into an elephant that had escaped from the circus. When police asked the elephant if it remembered what happened, they stared at each other for a moment and then broke out in laughter.

Matthew McConaughey turned 40 this week. He celebrated the same way he came into the world - between a lady's legs and shirtless.

Tor's News Nuggets: 11/2/09

I've been behind on the blog. I'm working on something pretty big right now but I promise to return with more than one a week. November is going to be a good month. As always, here are last week's rejected jokes from the iPhone app.

Salma Hayek told Parade magazine that she was too embarrassed by her body to accept a "Best Body" award from Fitness Magazine. After the interview, she went out and purchased 20 more low-cut dresses.

The Yankees will play the Phillies in the World Series starting Wednesday. In related news, every Mets fan looks up to the sky and yells, "Really?" before killing themselves.

Ratings for MTV's "The Hills" are down drastically this season. The network has a list of possible reasons but none of them involve the public coming to their senses. That could never happen.

Keira Knightley will star in a remake of "My Fair Lady." The producers knew Knightley was capable of doing the horrid, original Eliza voice when they watched her in any movie she's ever been in.

Jim Corzine is under criticism for an ad where Corzine accuses his opponent, Chris Christie, of "throwing his weight around." Political observers think this is an attack on Christie's weight but Corzine insists he is just "stating the fats."

In a recent episode, Kate Gosselin said that she would like to lend her voice to a character in an animated movie for her kids. The kids liked the idea but would much rather her lend her voice to their lives.

Hulu is going to start charging people to watch TV shows and movies in 2010. In more forecasting news - In 2011, Hulu is going to go out of business.

George W. Bush began his new career as a motivational speaker at a business seminar in Fort Worth, Texas. Bush did such a great job imparting his knowledge that all attendees left and ran whatever they were responsible for into the ground.

The lawyer for the Philadelphia woman who offered sex for World Series tickets is saying his client was suffering from "Phillies Fever." This is far more serious than her 2004 case of Herp-eagles.

David Spade is defending his controversial Direct TV commercial featuring the late Chris Farley by saying Farley would have been "stoked." That seems appropriate considering Spade through his legacy into the fire.

Sarah Palin has gone on record calling Levi Johnston's Playgirl shoot as "desperate." That's like the worst, bargain-basement, horrible, cheap, ridiculous, terrible pot calling the attention-starved, awful, sell-out, trashy kettle - I forgot what I was saying.

A bullet was fired at and hit the New Jersey home of CNN's Lou Dobbs. It was the first time Dobbs was involved in anything that could be considered "on target."

Mark Wahlberg and his wife, Rhea Durham, are expecting their fourth child. So he's taking the slow path to putting together another Funky Bunch.

In an interview with Politico, Nancy Pelosi said that she's "not big on showing weakness." That must be why she keeps her political abilities in a safe.

In an interview with Politico, Nancy Pelosi said that she's "not big on showing weakness." That's why she's glad she has a skull with skin and hair over it.

A ballet teacher at Point Park University is denying he posted a "fat list," consisting of the names of dance students who he wanted to lose weight. In response, the teacher said, "That's not something this university encourages. I would never do that. I don't want to end up on the Terrible Teacher List."

Rejected Palin Memoir Titles

It's been a while since there was a Twitter game that I've partaken in. The latest has you come up with other titles for the Sarah Palin memoir. Here is what I came up with:

1. A Pedigree of Dunces
2. Eats, Shoots, & Leaves Office
3. 100 Days of Ineptitude: Tracking the Race from VP Consideration to November 4th
4. I Support Abortion (Of Political Office Terms)
5. Running With Geezers
6. Gov in the Time of Obama
7. Brief Interviews With Hideous Me
8. Are You There Todd? It's Me, Maverick
9. The Lord of the Trig
10. Life of Lie

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/1/09

Whitney Houston released a new album today. Whitney says she's excited to have a whole new set of songs that people will immediately change the station upon hearing.

Reports are coming in that Iran updated their nuclear package. Unfortunately, Iran was the victim of spam because there is no pill that can "add 6 inches of girth to your nuclear package."

Sarah Palin's first major speaking engagement since leaving office will be in Hong Kong. This is a smart move because there's a better excuse when no one understands what the hell she's talking about.

549 musicians have come together to set the record for the largest mariachi band. They were immediately followed by 549 old women offering "rose for the lady."

549 musicians have come together as a mariachi band to set a world record. They set the record for "Most Audience Members Stabbing Themselves In The Ear."**

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The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about 2 weeks ago. So, they might be a little old.

Bob Dylan, walking without ID, was detained after police officers did not recognize him while on patrol. His son, Jakob, showed up to help but that just made things worse.

A new study shows that dogs can smell cancer. So, I guess every dog has ass cancer.

Simon Fraser University is introducing a grade worse than an F. The grade is based on the end of Brett Favre's career.

90 percent of US dollar bills have traces of cocaine. The other 10 percent were handled as part of a clean-up project by the 1986 Mets.

Jenny Sanford, in an interview with Vanity Fair, said that she is willing to reconcile with her husband but "the ball is in his court." At least he got one back.

Eric Dane, "McSteamy" on "Grey's Anatomy," says that a video of he and his wife frolicking naked with another woman is "not a sex tape." So, it's a serious medical drama tape?

Michael Jackson's burial date has been set for September 3rd, over 2 months after he passed away. Good thing he started preserving his body 30 years ago.

After a mixup at the recruiting office, Steve Spurrier and other top college football coaches heavily recruited a trumpet player. Nothing was suspected because the recruit kept answering yes to the question, "Do you have the brass to compete at our school?"

Mozart apparently died of strep throat. If only he had come down with it when he was 235, we could have fixed him.

Paris Hilton was sued $8.3 million in damages by the producers of "Pledge This!" for not doing enough to promote the film. The judge threw out the case saying it was ridiculous to think Paris Hilton could do...well, anything.

** Also acceptable: "Fastest Audience Exit" or "Most Pant Studs"

Tor's News Nuggets: 7/22/09

The President addressed critics of his All-Star Game-worn "mom jeans" by saying "they're comfortable." He then took a swig from his Sprite Zero, pulled on an embroidered Disney sweatshirt, and hopped in his minivan.

Stephen Baldwin filed for bankruptcy. Man, if it can happen to the guy who was good enough to replace Rick Moranis in the Flintstones sequel, it can happen to anyone.

Sarah Palin violated ethics laws by allowing a fund to be set up to defend her against ethics violations. Palin admitted she was wrong and if she could go back in time, she would have gotten rid of all ethics laws to begin with.

A 7.8 magnitude earthquake has actually brought New Zealand and Australia closer together. I think we found an acceptable replacement for Dr. Phil.

A 600-pound tortoise was deemed too large for a Kansas zoo and, therefore, was not kept. Confused about the whole thing, the zoo's elephants.

An amateur astronomer, who claims to spend about "20 hours a week" observing Jupiter, discovered a new spot on the surface. Scientists think that a meteor the size of Earth crashed into the planet while Jupiter thinks the guy is creepy and will be installing curtains.

Tor's News Nuggets: 7/7/09

An Arizona Senator made a pitch to allow uranium mining north of the Grand Canyon stating that the Earth has been around for "6000 years" and, therefore, the mining won't hurt it. She has no concept of time. This is probably why she agreed to serve a 9 minute term.

Sarah Palin is saying, "I am not a quitter; I am a fighter," in regards to her leaving the post of Alaskan Governor. She also stated she's "a beloved citizen, a staunch Pro-choice activist, and a father of two moon babies" to finish up her Opposite Day Address.

Authorities are reporting they had to remove 42 tons of trash from a homeowner's property. It's really unfortunate that the Neverland Ranch auction wasn't more successful.

Michael Jackson's body will actually make an appearance at his Memorial which makes it different from the last 15 years of our lives.

Four people were injured during the famous running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. The bulls will try to do a better job next year.

Microsoft is warning of a new security hole in Internet Explorer that will make it even easier for hackers to gain access to your PC. "This is a great opportunity for me," said Joe Clemens, the world's worst hacker.

Other Things The Vice President Doesn't Do

When the liberal lefties start planting impossible to answer questions in third graders like Brandon Garcia to further their agenda, it becomes apparent just how dirty the democrats are playing this game. Since VP candidate Palin got the answer wrong and no one really knows what the Vice President does (or ever will), I thought I would make a list that comes from the other direction. Here are some other things the Vice President doesn't do:

1. Fly
2. Kill bugs dead
3. Take care of people Soprano's style
4. Take care of people any style
5. The Bartman
6. Rename the states so they're in alphabetical order West to East
7. Swallow swords
8. Perform autopsies
9. Pose for adult magazines
10. Chase waterfalls
11. Get their own video game
12. Travel through time
13. Leave home without it
14. Physically juggle babies
15. Control the CIA
16. Control NATO
17. Control the universe (Andy Richter's job, btw)
18. Run the country when the President is on a pee break
19. Get background dancers
20. Marry people at sea
21. Take two species and genetically engineer superanimals (or just funny ones he/she wants to see)
22. Prank call Hungary ("Hello?" "Yes. Are you Hungary?" "Yes" and hilarity ensues)
23. Poop where they eat (unless it's a medical problem)
24. Get a pet eagle
25. Come from Alaska

McCain's Final Debate Notes

I was fortunate enough to get my hands on the paper that McCain was writing (and apparently drawing) on during the final debate with Obama. It really sheds some light on this man.