Tor Baby Countdown: 25 Days

Boy Jerkface has started to take on stairs. He got the go-ahead from his doctor yesterday. We were instructed to roll a towel and put it under his body like a sling to take some of the weight off his back legs. The first attempt was before bed last night.

At this point in our post-torn ACL life, Boy Jerkface has gotten used to being carried around. He shows no interest in using his legs like a sucker. Why climb the stairs when someone can cradle you like a baby and bring you where you want to go? It makes sense. So it was no surprise when I implemented the sling and he stood there with a "What's going on with my back legs?" look on his face. We were doing the doggie wheelbarrow but with no forward momentum.

Not the picture I was looking for but fun nonetheless.

We gave up for the night but this morning was a new day. Boy Jerkface made for the stairs and I stood a few stairs down from him and we went slow. He made it to the first landing. I was so proud of him.

Me

Do you want to keep going?

Boy Jerkface

...

Me

Ok!

Down he went to the first floor. He kept going. Can we go down the last flight to the garage? All of the stairs in one morning? Does this dog have the healing ability of Wolverine? How is this possible?

Me

All the way to the garage, buddy?

Boy Jerkface

...

Me

Well don't let me stop you.

He made it down 30 steps in total without a hiccup. I've never been prouder of him. I rubbed his back furiously saying, "Good Boy! Good Boy!" I was near tears.

When we got to the garage, I put him on his bicycle and we started in the parking lot. I was running behind him and he barked, "Let go of the seat! I can do it!" I let go and he went across town and got us lunch. It's been a magical morning.

Tee hee

I can't imagine the kind of excitement and happiness I will feel when (not if, damn it!) my daughter accomplishes things if I got this elated for the dog. "You're crawling! Good girl!" Head rub. "You're holding the sippy cup all by yourself! Good girl!" Belly scratch. Who said dogs can't be a prelude to children?

If no one has, this picture leaves me thinking someone needs to say it.

Tor's News Nuggets: 11/12/09

It's time for last week's rejected jokes. I got 5 jokes in last week so there are less rejected ones. Maybe there will come a week where I post an empty blog. A freelance current event joke writer can dream, can't he?

Mel Gibson's girlfriend gave birth to his eighth child, seven from his previous marriage. This spring on TLC - "Mel and Hate Plus 8."

Nicolas Cage was disheartened to learn that he owed over 6 million dollars in back taxes. This is probably a bad time to tell him about the 100 million dollars in back tickets he owes moviegoers for "Ghost Rider."

A new series of Twilight Barbie dolls, based on the popular vampire books, will hit stores in time for the holidays. So now, not only does Barbie promote impossible aesthetic standards, she promotes impossible mortality standards too.

Harvard is offering a class where students can discuss the issues of HBO's "The Wire." In related news, Juliard is offering a class on Steven Bochco's "Cop Rock."

Jessica Simpson, after finding out her sister Ashlee was fired from "Melrose Place," twittered that the show was "crap." Moments later, the President of the United States declared a National Emergency stating only, "She's sentient."

Usain Bolt adopted a baby cheetah and named it "Lightning Bolt." That's like Kirstie Alley adopting a baby whale and naming it "I Like To Eat Whole Pizzas While Hiding In A Darkened Alley."

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. When the hotel is finished, the company will move on to its next product - a car that folds into a briefcase.

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. They insist the best way to get there is to use Orbitz.

A PGA player was suspended for one year after becoming the first professional golfer to test positive for performance enhancing drugs. The golfer figured the game would be easier with smaller balls.

Jeremy Piven is claiming that drinking soy milk has given him "man boobs." Piven's doctors are advising him to jug it out.

Lady Gaga says she has plans to one day release her own clothing line. She's just waiting for evolution to give humans the right number of appendages to wear it.

A church in Los Angeles is allowing worshippers to bring their dogs with them to attend the service. The reverend got the idea when he heard Jon Gosselin went to church.

Sarah Palin is not allowing press or any electronic devices at her upcoming Wisconsin speech. After she finishes talking, she will put on cool sunglasses, use her Neuralyzer, and tell everyone she did a great job.

Australian officials are trying to get Britney Spears to admit publicly that she will be lip synching at her concerts so that ticket buyers will not be misled. Said one official, "We're just trying to be sure. Nobody wants to see her really sing."

In Oklahoma, a couple driving an SUV almost ran into an elephant that had escaped from the circus. When police asked the elephant if it remembered what happened, they stared at each other for a moment and then broke out in laughter.

Matthew McConaughey turned 40 this week. He celebrated the same way he came into the world - between a lady's legs and shirtless.

Tor's Onion Stories: October 6, 2009

Here are another 10 story ideas for The Onion. I should probably save these on the off chance that I will, one day, write for The Onion but we all know that will never happen. (Why do my readers have less confidence in me than I do?)

1. Former Bully Victim Ironically Grows Up To Serve French Fries To Bully
2. Dog Saves Owner From Choosing Wrong Cell Phone Plan
3. Megan Fox Was Not Right For Megan Fox Roles On SNL
4. Arabian Prince Buys United States Low With Hopes Of Selling High
5. Second Graders Disappointed By Real Definition Of Gross National Product
6. Family Business Will Include Disappointing Son-In-Law After All
7. Boogers Closing Gap On Farts For Funniest Gimmick
8. Genie Enthusiast Hopes 517th Lamp Will Be The One
9. Local Man Still Disappointed By Seinfeld Finale
10. Tyra Banks Has Genuinely Grounded Opinion

How did I do this time? Better? Worse?

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/1/09

Whitney Houston released a new album today. Whitney says she's excited to have a whole new set of songs that people will immediately change the station upon hearing.

Reports are coming in that Iran updated their nuclear package. Unfortunately, Iran was the victim of spam because there is no pill that can "add 6 inches of girth to your nuclear package."

Sarah Palin's first major speaking engagement since leaving office will be in Hong Kong. This is a smart move because there's a better excuse when no one understands what the hell she's talking about.

549 musicians have come together to set the record for the largest mariachi band. They were immediately followed by 549 old women offering "rose for the lady."

549 musicians have come together as a mariachi band to set a world record. They set the record for "Most Audience Members Stabbing Themselves In The Ear."**

------------------------------------------------------------

The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about 2 weeks ago. So, they might be a little old.

Bob Dylan, walking without ID, was detained after police officers did not recognize him while on patrol. His son, Jakob, showed up to help but that just made things worse.

A new study shows that dogs can smell cancer. So, I guess every dog has ass cancer.

Simon Fraser University is introducing a grade worse than an F. The grade is based on the end of Brett Favre's career.

90 percent of US dollar bills have traces of cocaine. The other 10 percent were handled as part of a clean-up project by the 1986 Mets.

Jenny Sanford, in an interview with Vanity Fair, said that she is willing to reconcile with her husband but "the ball is in his court." At least he got one back.

Eric Dane, "McSteamy" on "Grey's Anatomy," says that a video of he and his wife frolicking naked with another woman is "not a sex tape." So, it's a serious medical drama tape?

Michael Jackson's burial date has been set for September 3rd, over 2 months after he passed away. Good thing he started preserving his body 30 years ago.

After a mixup at the recruiting office, Steve Spurrier and other top college football coaches heavily recruited a trumpet player. Nothing was suspected because the recruit kept answering yes to the question, "Do you have the brass to compete at our school?"

Mozart apparently died of strep throat. If only he had come down with it when he was 235, we could have fixed him.

Paris Hilton was sued $8.3 million in damages by the producers of "Pledge This!" for not doing enough to promote the film. The judge threw out the case saying it was ridiculous to think Paris Hilton could do...well, anything.

** Also acceptable: "Fastest Audience Exit" or "Most Pant Studs"

Yo Quiero Peliculas Mejores

Beverly Hill Chihuahua. Chi-Hua-Hua! How does this still happen? People still want to see creepy talking animals? Really? They all sound like Carlos Mencia, only funny. (Ba Dum Chhhh) You know who rocked the world and never said freaking word? Spuds MacKenzie. He was just a dog that liked to crash parties, peddle some Bud Light, and putter around in his submarine. All the girls wanted him. F'n stud dog.

Spuds would have kicked the crap out of every one of these talking chihuahuas and then surfed home, sharing the front of the board with a six-pack of Bud Lite. But no. The makers of this movie were smart. They bided their time and sat on this idea until Spuds was dead. And then they waited another fifteen years just to be certain he wasn't coming back. (The longest recorded dog haunting lasted twelve years in Nepal.) 

It's not that I hope every person who sees this movie gets ball cancer because I do. (I think ovaries can be considered "lady balls" so save your comments.) It's just that I have dogs and if they ever spoke to each other, it would consist of "That's my Milkbone" or "Stop rimming my ass, that's gross." They would certainly not be rapping with a choreographed dance sequence. Everyone involved in this movie should have their faces rubbed into the movie screen while the film is playing being told, "No! No! No! Bad!" (Is anyone else singing Lisa Loeb now?)

This movie's going to earn more than Wall-E, isn't it?