Tor Baby Countdown: 61 Days

I had a horrible dream last night. The baby was born and I missed it. I was scrambling to get to the day care where she was being kept. My parents were there and my daughter was in another room with my three younger brothers (in real life, I'm an only child). Next thing I knew, I was holding my daughter and crying about how I missed it. Then I started to believe that I was dreaming because I couldn't figure out how I missed it or why she was in day care already. My impulse in the dream to prove that I was dreaming was to throw the baby!

I'll repeat that. My best idea on how to snap myself out of the dream was to THROW MY BABY.

Now I woke up before I was able to toss her but what if I didn't? What if I dreamed that I threw my baby? I would definitely feel even worse than I do right now. What if I wasn't dreaming and I threw my baby? "Hey prison, let's get acquainted."

This is not an acceptable subconscious thought process. There is something wrong with me. Truthfully. That picture doesn't do justice for what I wanted to do. That's more of an "ooo-pah" fun toss and my intention was more like the baby was a paper airplane. I couldn't find that picture probably because PEOPLE DON'T THROW BABIES LIKE THAT!

There were no other options? Where was pinching on my list? Third? Fourth? One Hundredth? Maybe my dreams were playing an April Fool's joke on me. Let's go with that. I'm not a monster. Right?

Tor Baby Countdown: 67 Days

Pregnancy causes very vivid dreams for the mother-to-be. Recently my wife told me of a dream where the doctor found a pair of scissors when he reached in to get the baby. We all know that babies should not play with scissors until they are out of the body. That's just common sense.

Sadly, this picture was easy to find.

It's the nightmares that are the hardest to deal with. All of your fears about parenting and the baby being ok manifest themselves into these horrible pseudoexperiences. Last night I had what I would call a sympathy nightmare (and doctors would call a regular one).

It starts in our house and everything seems really pleasant. Our daughter is there meaning the birth had been a success. Way to go, Dream Wife!* So Dream Wife is holding the baby and the baby is cooing. A storm quickly rolls in. There is thunder and lightning. The wind howls. The power goes out and the house is shaking. The dogs are bothered by the storm and running in between Dream Wife's feet while she shakes and paces with the baby. Dream Wife makes funny faces to try to distract the baby from the storm. Just then, one of the dogs darts past Dream Wife as she steps forward. That's when it happens - the baby laughs for the first time. At her!?!

I woke up in a cold sweat. I looked over at my sleeping wife and I resented her. I'm the one that's going to make the baby laugh first. I'm the comedian, not her! She can law the baby all she wants.** I was disgusted. I mean, will funny faces really be enough to make my daughter laugh? Really?? Because I expect a sharper, smarter sense of humor out of her.

I vow this to you, readers. I will not pander or kowtow to my daughter. I will make insightful and humorous infant-related observations. Things that will make her think. I will earn those laughs.

"Don't you just wish sometimes that you can marry a burp. No spouse can ever make you feel that good. Am I right, babies?"

"I was hanging out in a Pack N Play the other day. Have you ever been in one of these?"

"Swaddle's a funny word. Swaddle. Swa...ddle."

"I'm not from here originally. I was actually born in a mother's womb. Oh, you too? Which mother? Yeah, I had to get out of there. It's a wet heat."

"What's the deal with a changing table? We put you on it. We take you off it. But you're still the same baby!"

Maybe funny faces are the way to go.

* Dream Wife was (and is) my actual wife, just to clarify.

** She's a lawyer for those readers who don't know us which is a large contributor as to why Dream Wife and Actual Wife are the same person.