MetsTDs

I wrote the first list item below on Twitter a couple of weeks ago after Jose Reyes hit a ball hard off Chan Ho Park of the Yankees. I said he gave Chan Ho Park diaReyes. Then a good comedian responded with the second one. I've been thinking of the rest of them at random and felt like posting the results.

• DiaReyes
• Paganorrhea (via Charles Star, follow him)
• Takahashingles
• TouWright's Syndrome
• HepaTatis B
• Blancolitis
• Dickey Cell Anemia
• K-Rodic Arthritis
• Francoeurpes (also acceptable, SchizoFrenchya)
• Bayds

Have anymore?

What Else Can Happen To The Mets?

Two days ago, you would have said that the Mets season was a debacle. Then yesterday, they lost a game on an unassisted triple play, the first time that has happened since 1927. Today, they've added injury to insult as they announced that Jeff Francoeur tore a ligament in his thumb, and that they were sending Johan Santana to be examined by a doctor. This now means that Frankie Rodriguez is the only actual major leaguer left on the team.

What else could possibly go wrong with the Mets? That's where Etan Bednarsh and I come in. As devout Mets fans and comedians, we decided to each come up with a list of 10 predictions for stories - and the corresponding New York Post headlines- we expect to see before season's end. Read below for my list and then head over to Etan's list.

1. PoorBitz - The Mets show up at the wrong stadium when the traveling secretary looks at the wrong date on the schedule. The Cardinals, who were supposed to play the Cubs, approached them and said, "Look, the Mets showed up. We'll still play you guys tomorrow and the day after. I feel bad that they came all this way."
   
2. Look Ma, No Hands...Or Tact - Gary Sheffield made a spectacular catch when he threw his glove at a line drive. Sheffield started throwing his glove at every fly ball not hit directly at him over a week ago. Though he is 1 for 26 on catches in this manner, Manuel called the play "gansta" and said there are no problems with Sheffield and the Mets. In other news, visitors have now hit 25 inside the park home runs at Citi Field, a Major League record.
3. A Life Cut Shirt - Mr. Met was killed by a jammed T-shirt cannon. Jennie, of the Pepsi Party Patrol, said they were warned never to try to fire a jammed T-shirt cannon but Mr. Met saw a little boy on the Promenade that really wanted a shirt. Mr. Met will be honored with a 21 T-shirt cannon salute following tomorrow's game.
4. Forfeiting End - On the last day of the season, Fernando Tatis pulled his hamstring running to first. With the rest of the team on the disabled list, Tatis fielded Hunter Pence's grounder at shortstop and tried to beat Pence to first when he came up lame as he passed the pitcher's mound. The Mets attempted to send Kevin Burkhardt out to finish the game but the umps cited the rule book forcing the Mets to forfeit. Tatis is listed as season to season.
5. FranCorpse - In the 5th inning with the Mets down 10 runs and wondering what else could go wrong, the Pepsi Porch succumbed to a season's worth of its inhabitants eating Shake Shack, collapsing and crushing Jeff Francoeur. Shake Shack will honor him by offering French's Mustard with every hot dog.
6. Thumbelievable - Alex Cora, not wanting to sit out anymore, has two more arms added to his body. Unfortunately, Cora tore tendons in both of those new thumbs sliding into second. No word on whether Cora will pursue a 5th and 6th arm.
7. K-Fraud - After Francisco Rodriguez blew his third save in a row, the Mystery Van crashed through the left field wall and screamed towards the mound. Velma, tapped into the PA system, told the fans that this was not K-Rod and pulled off his silicone mask to reveal Ron Taylor from the 1969 team. K-Rod was later found bound and malnourished below Box Frites.
8. PaGone - Angel Pagan returned to heaven with Christopher Lloyd. Pagan, realizing there was nothing more he could do for the Mets, flew off the field in the 4th inning to receive a new assignment from God.
9. Green Apple - The Shea Stadium Apple, tired of hearing how great the Citi Field Apple looks, urinated on the electrical system that controls the hydraulics of its replacement. Unfortunately for the Shea Stadium Apple, the Mets did not hit another home run forcing the Apple to come clean in frustration. Jeff Wilpon is letting the Apple sit in a cell overnight to think about what he's done and will post bail tomorrow.
10. Mentally Wright - David Wright extended his record streak by homering in his 45th straight at-bat since returning from being hit in the head by a Matt Cain fastball. Opposing pitchers, afraid that Wright can now see the future, cannot bring themselves to intentionally walk him. Wright stares at them and all of a sudden the intentional walk seems like a bad idea. Bud Selig says there is nothing in the rules against precognition or mind control.

Don't forget to go to Etan's blog for 10 more Mets possibilities.

A Mets Fan Goes To Cooperstown

The Baseball Hall of Fame is Disney World for baseball fans. It's simple. I got giddy as soon as I started seeing all of the baseball memorabilia. But being a Mets fan at the Baseball Hall of Fame is kinda like being a fan of foil at the Hershey's Museum. There's probably going to be some mention about it being the wrapping of choice but in the end, it's all about the Yankees - I mean chocolate.

When you are a Mets fan, there's Tom Seaver and...uhh...well...uhh...hmmm. You have to travel through 2/3 of the Hall before you even find Tom Seaver. Granted, it's in chronological order and the Mets weren't around until 1962 but it still takes a long time to see Mets stuff. I even had my wife take pictures of New York Giants memorabilia because it was close enough.

Well, there's Tom Seaver!

Once we got to the Seaver portion of the Hall, we stayed. We set up camp and lived off a rationed lollipop in the shape of Dave Winfield (on clearance since 2002). At one point, some people in Reds apparel came by and we stared them down until they left. Seaver belongs to us. After four days of worship, we moved on.

At the time of wearing, my shirt was not "retro."

If there was any indication of the lack of respect for all things Mets at the Hall of Fame, it came in the locker room section of the current teams. They have a room where each team gets a locker. The contents of the locker are bats, gloves, cleats, and so on from memorable moments in the team's recent history. Along with that is a jersey for a great player from that team. I imagined David Wright or Johan Santana but no. The Hall of Fame selected a Tom Glavine jersey. Tom Glavine, the most hated Mets player in recent memory. Thanks, Hall.

If you take away the fact that the Mets don't have a lot of Cooperstown-worthy greatness, the Hall of Fame is fantastic. Seeing Hank Aaron's section and realizing how amazing his career was. Walking through the plaques of all the inductees. There was even a Newark Bears hat for Rickey Henderson. (Did you read that? The Newark Bears are almost as well-repesented as the Mets. Alright, I'm done!) If you love baseball, go. But don't start a fire when camping out in front of Tom Seaver's wall. They hate that. We caused the sprinklers to turn on and ruined the area dedicated to the current World Champions. Eat it, Phillies.

Omar Minaya's Other Accusations

I guess I'm in a Mets mood today. They just inspire me of late. Yesterday, Omar Minaya fired VP Tony Bernazard after news came out that, among other things, Bernazard removed his shirt and challenged the Double-A Binghamton Mets to a fight. Minaya held a press conference to announce the firing and then used the podium to throw out a wild accusation at Daily News reporter, Adam Rubin. Minaya stated that Rubin, who reported on most of Bernazard's transgressions, did so to position himself to take Bernazard's job. He based this on rumors that Rubin inquired about a job in player development. Rubin denies going after Bernazard's job and it's a huge error in judgment on Minaya's count regardless of whether he's right or not. 

On the bright side, this was the least ridiculous on Minaya's list of accusations. Tor's Take was able to get its hands on the list and we want to share them with you.

• Shane Victorino gets his speed by eating Hawaiian babies.
• Steve Phillips invented razor burn.
• Billy Beane did not come up with the Moneyball system. It was Fred Moneyball, an accountant in Iowa.
• The Ghost of Andre Dawson* is responsible for the infamous "Natinals" jerseys.

• The moon landings of 1969 were faked not to boost American morale but to take attention away from the Mets' improbable championship.
• Manny Ramirez took female fertility drugs because he wants to steal the identity of Tracy Chapman.
• Bobby Valentine cheats at Sudoku while dressed like a Harajuku girl. 
• Ryan Church was planning an elaborate kidnapping scheme targeting Mr. Mets' children.
• David Ortiz started hitting home runs again because he replaced his belly fat with bionic belly fat.
• Willie Randolph's telekinetic powers, housed behind his enormous forehead, kept him from being fired two months sooner.
• Keith Hernandez dyes his hair gray in order to get the Just For Men endorsement deal.
• The New York Post has the most imaginative headlines in journalism.

* Tor's Take is aware that Andre Dawson is alive but Minaya's craaaaaaaazy.

Meet The Mets, Grandpa

I have a 93-year-old grandfather who moves around better than I do and gets mentally sharper by the day. My grandpa is the nicest old man you will ever meet. He likes to talk whether he knows you or not. (Word to the wise: If you smile back to what he says, he's going to talk to you for a good hour so just something to think about.) If you do engage him in conversation, speak up. His hearing isn't what it used to be. When I talk to him on the phone, I have to put the phone on the counter, lean in, and use my diaphragm. In his over 93 years of existence, there are rumors that he left the town limits once or twice but I don't give them any credence. The man knows his neighborhood and anything beyond is foreign, uncharted, and potentially dangerous territory.

My grandpa has become a big Mets fan over the past 10 years or so. My grandma became a Yankees fan later in her life and he just wanted to root against her so he went with the Mets. That's 60+ years of love right there. My grandma left us a couple of years ago and now he spends his days watching the Mets and Yankees, shaking his head when the former loses and the latter wins. There's a lot of head shaking going on this year. Regardless, baseball passes the time for him.

This leads us to yesterday. I had extra tickets to the game and my wife and I thought about how great it would be to get Grandpa to go. The problem was that the Mets don't play in Elmwood Park, New Jersey. They play in the aforementioned foreign, uncharted, and potentially (currently upgrading to definitely) dangerous territory of Not Elmwood Park, New Jersey. So we kidnapped him. I brought my mother (the convincer) and father (the muscle) and we got him in the car.

The car ride was going to be the tough part. We told him it was only 30 miles to the stadium and left out that it takes 2 hours to travel that distance. He's been around almost 94 years, he might not notice 2 hours, right? Didn't matter. We got to the game in about 50 minutes which was the fastest I've ever done it. Luck, God, Billy Mays, they were all on our side.

Watching my wide-eyed grandpa walk through CitiField is something I will always remember. Everything was "so big" and there were "a lot of Mets fans." When we told the elevator operator that this was his first time at a game, she said, "ever?" She followed that with, "Is he from this country?" We laughed and then I punched her in the face yelling, "DON'T YOU EVER MAKE FUN OF MY GRANDPA!!" We hurried out of there and to our seats.

The game started off poorly. The Mets got down 3-1 early. Grandpa spent most of the time enamored with the Jumbotron (and shaking his head, of course). He told me Oliver Perez "stinks" and they should "get him out of there." Manuel listened. Perez came out and the game turned around. The Mets tied it and Tatis, for Grandpa, hit a grand slam to put the game out of reach. K-Rod came in for the ninth and finished it up while Grandpa mimicked K-Rod's celebratory hand gestures. The night was a huge success.

Grandpa spent the car ride home babbling like a 3rd grader after the Greatest Field Trip in the History of the World. He enjoyed every second of it but he was glad to be back home where I'm sure he'll watch the game again on his kitchen television where the threat of Queens can't get to him. Thanks to the Mets for coming through and making the night a success. You brought joy to a man that has brought me so much and because of that, I forgive you for this season.

And you said the Mets don't do anything great. Look at that smile.

My Thoughts On The Mets

A true test of fandom is staying a fan through the downtimes, when your team is being blown out 50 percent of the time. This is where the Mets are at right now. My fandom is being tested. It's getting so bad that when I get on the train wearing my Mets hat, Yankee fans say things like "It'll turn around" and they aren't being cruel. When Yankee fans are treating you with kid gloves, action is necessary.

Sometimes the best action is inaction. The Mets could shut it down for the season, put up a "Pardon Our Appearance" sign with Mr. Met wearing a hard hat, and look forward to a healthy 2010. The rest of the year could be used as a chance for fans to come see the Mets' stars of tomorrow. Wilmer Flores can play shortstop. Brad Holt and John Niese can get some starts. Let the youth bring joy to the ticket holders. Then, when we least expect it, they start rattling off wins. Each win causes a portion of clothing to be removed from a life-size, Omar Minaya cutout in the locker room and these new Mets want to see Minaya in a bikini!

Alright, the Mets are not the thing of movies these days. If anything, it's "Terms of Endearment" with the team being Debra Winger and the fans, Shirley MacClaine. (Also acceptable, "Titanic" if you take out the party in steerage.) The Mets are not good right now. They can't will themselves to win. Their wins come when they pitch well, hit well, and play perfect defense. If any of those slip, they lose. The pressure to play perfect baseball every night is too much. That's why you have a great win like the 5-1 game on Saturday and back that up with 7-1 beating yesterday.

I don't think a trade would be the answer, unless we can get Pujols for Tatis straight up. Tatis did put up Pujols-esque numbers* when he played with the Cardinals (.298 BA, 34 HR, 107 RBI). And that's the sad thing about it. Unless we can get Pujols, there is no trade out there that can right this ship. Matt Holliday is available but we have no success negotiating with Billy Beane and he is not hitting like he did when he was with the Rockies (go figure). Roy Halladay would cost us the farm and we are not one great pitcher away from a World Series run. I pray that Minaya will not panic and make a move that hurts our 2010 and beyond chances.

Injuries are an unfortunate part of baseball. The Mets were affected by them too much to prevail. I have this fear that David Wright got seriously injured in June but the Mets couldn't take away the face of the franchise. The fans would have thrown themselves off the Promenade. So they cloned him, forgetting to include the portions with plate coverage. I truly feel we would be atop the East with a whole season of our Opening Day starters. It just didn't happen.

Am I giving up on 2009? No, I'm a Mets fan and I can't do that. I don't want the ghost of Tug McGraw to haunt me for the rest of time. I want the team to have fun. Forget about winning. I think the fans understand that this season was out of our hands. Maybe if the the team relaxes, we might have some good results. You never know what can happen. This is baseball and standing in the on-deck circle could be something Amazin'.

Let's Go Mets!

* If Pujols decided to stop playing baseball after the All-Star Break and take up needlepoint.

My Night At Citi Field As An Ugly Betty Extra

I had been meaning to be an extra for some time just to experience a real TV show filming. When "Ugly Betty" was looking for Mets fans to fill in Citi Field for an upcoming episode, I jumped all over it. I've got two thumbs and am a huge Mets fan!

Apparently, there are extra lifers. They live to be extras and let everyone know how much they love it. I met one. He told me he got to play a dead guy on a show (will refrain naming it to be nice). Shortly after that, I found out he was a photo of a dead person on a memorial wall, not an actual body. That's real background work when you can't even play a dead person in three dimensions. Dude was proud of it.

The holding area for extras is a desolate warehouse. Plastic tables and folding chairs as far as the eye can see. SAG seating and Non-SAG seating are strictly divided like Germany before 1990. Wait, I can do more. Divided like numbers on a fifth grade math test. Wait. Divided like a house with an inability to remain upright. Anyway, SAG is apparently better. They get more pay. They get seats with an index card reading "SAG" on it. They get food. When SAG is done eating, Non-SAG is allowed to go up and pick the carcass of the craft service table. The best example was the Ugly Betty cupcakes. There were possibly two left when SAG was done. I'd describe the cupcakes but they were crushed and left for dead. SAG can be cruel.

Once shooting began, we were led like cattle through the bowels of Citi Field to the best seats in the stadium. These are the padded recliner-like seats you dream about being in as you gaze upon them with binoculars from the upper deck cursing the rich people that never use them or give them away. Why are these empty every time I watch the game on TV?

The scene has Betty and three other cast members attending a Mets game. About 60 of us fill in the seats behind. I'm 9 rows back of America Ferrera mostly because I didn't push my way to the front. A man teaches us the hand signals he will be flashing to indicate action on the field. (i.e. A closed fist means a strike out.) When a signal goes up, we are to mime our reactions - pretend to clap, point where the ball goes, shake fist in anger, make sure the box doesn't close in on you. The signal man has no sense of the pace of a game. There is no possible way for a strikeout to happen that quickly after a double. The imagined player just slid into second! What is this, Amateur Hour?

After the first take, a set PA comes up to me and taps me on the shoulder. I am leaving my seat and everyone around me is wondering what's going on. She informs me that I am to return to my seat during filming like I just went to the bathroom during the game. Apparently this is a huge deal. All the other Mets-attired extras are trying to figure out what made me so special. I felt like the chosen alien from the crane game in "Toy Story."

My opportunity of having my lower torso in the shot was taken away as fast as it was given. The soda vendor, on the next take, moved faster than in the previous take and went into my row blocking my way back to my seat. As any person attending a real game would do, I waited for him to finish but the scene ended by then. The important people liked that take and I was told (with apologies) to stay in my seat the rest of the way. This was supposed to be upsetting as the other extras consoled me. I mimed anger.

Redemption came when they changed camera angles. I moved, along with half of the extras, to a different set of seats to fill in the new background. This time, a different PA tapped me on the shoulder and told me to count to 20 and get up and take a seat a few rows up. I was living the extra dream. The director yelled action and I counted. I went with a good pace. I thought about using Mississippis but I chose against it. On 20, I got up and moved down three rows. When I got there, a soda was handed to me. I tried passing it further down the row but the guys indicated they didn't order it. Sweet! Free fake soda! I really hope this gets on the show because you will see me get up, take a better seat, and get a free soda. The later the take they use, the more entitled to the soda I will look. By the end, I had my hand out waiting for the soda.

For the next scene, the PA told me to count to 10 and return to my original seat. Have any of these people ever been to a baseball game? Why would I do that? It makes no sense. I reluctantly did it but only because I knew it would up my chances of being noticed thereby pleasing my mother. 

I don't know when it will air. I'll post it when I find out. Overall, it was a cool experience seeing how they set up the shots and all the equipment that is required. I won't go into all the detail but let's just say it's more than the Handycam I use for my videos. We were only there for 6 hours which is unheard of for extra work so I was definitely spoiled on my first time. Will I do it again? Sure. Just have to find a 15 hour block in my schedule that works.

Random things:

• America Ferrera has a really tiny head. I'm not sure why it looks so large on camera.
• There is no way to clap with genuine enthusiasm without touching your hands together.
• The girl who plays Hazel on "Gossip Girl" had to do the scene with sky-high heels and a skirt (Seriously? Not practical for a game.). It was really cold out. To put in perspective, Ol' Tiny Head was in a sweater, poncho, pants, and Uggs. She got away with it because she never had to stand up.
• Extras must be known to be weirdos. There was one woman that had a Mr. Met stuffed animal. Every time a crew member asked her to move, she asked, "Mr. Met too?" Nobody ever acted annoyed or worried. It was frightening.