MetsTDs

I wrote the first list item below on Twitter a couple of weeks ago after Jose Reyes hit a ball hard off Chan Ho Park of the Yankees. I said he gave Chan Ho Park diaReyes. Then a good comedian responded with the second one. I've been thinking of the rest of them at random and felt like posting the results.

• DiaReyes
• Paganorrhea (via Charles Star, follow him)
• Takahashingles
• TouWright's Syndrome
• HepaTatis B
• Blancolitis
• Dickey Cell Anemia
• K-Rodic Arthritis
• Francoeurpes (also acceptable, SchizoFrenchya)
• Bayds

Have anymore?

What Else Can Happen To The Mets?

Two days ago, you would have said that the Mets season was a debacle. Then yesterday, they lost a game on an unassisted triple play, the first time that has happened since 1927. Today, they've added injury to insult as they announced that Jeff Francoeur tore a ligament in his thumb, and that they were sending Johan Santana to be examined by a doctor. This now means that Frankie Rodriguez is the only actual major leaguer left on the team.

What else could possibly go wrong with the Mets? That's where Etan Bednarsh and I come in. As devout Mets fans and comedians, we decided to each come up with a list of 10 predictions for stories - and the corresponding New York Post headlines- we expect to see before season's end. Read below for my list and then head over to Etan's list.

1. PoorBitz - The Mets show up at the wrong stadium when the traveling secretary looks at the wrong date on the schedule. The Cardinals, who were supposed to play the Cubs, approached them and said, "Look, the Mets showed up. We'll still play you guys tomorrow and the day after. I feel bad that they came all this way."
   
2. Look Ma, No Hands...Or Tact - Gary Sheffield made a spectacular catch when he threw his glove at a line drive. Sheffield started throwing his glove at every fly ball not hit directly at him over a week ago. Though he is 1 for 26 on catches in this manner, Manuel called the play "gansta" and said there are no problems with Sheffield and the Mets. In other news, visitors have now hit 25 inside the park home runs at Citi Field, a Major League record.
3. A Life Cut Shirt - Mr. Met was killed by a jammed T-shirt cannon. Jennie, of the Pepsi Party Patrol, said they were warned never to try to fire a jammed T-shirt cannon but Mr. Met saw a little boy on the Promenade that really wanted a shirt. Mr. Met will be honored with a 21 T-shirt cannon salute following tomorrow's game.
4. Forfeiting End - On the last day of the season, Fernando Tatis pulled his hamstring running to first. With the rest of the team on the disabled list, Tatis fielded Hunter Pence's grounder at shortstop and tried to beat Pence to first when he came up lame as he passed the pitcher's mound. The Mets attempted to send Kevin Burkhardt out to finish the game but the umps cited the rule book forcing the Mets to forfeit. Tatis is listed as season to season.
5. FranCorpse - In the 5th inning with the Mets down 10 runs and wondering what else could go wrong, the Pepsi Porch succumbed to a season's worth of its inhabitants eating Shake Shack, collapsing and crushing Jeff Francoeur. Shake Shack will honor him by offering French's Mustard with every hot dog.
6. Thumbelievable - Alex Cora, not wanting to sit out anymore, has two more arms added to his body. Unfortunately, Cora tore tendons in both of those new thumbs sliding into second. No word on whether Cora will pursue a 5th and 6th arm.
7. K-Fraud - After Francisco Rodriguez blew his third save in a row, the Mystery Van crashed through the left field wall and screamed towards the mound. Velma, tapped into the PA system, told the fans that this was not K-Rod and pulled off his silicone mask to reveal Ron Taylor from the 1969 team. K-Rod was later found bound and malnourished below Box Frites.
8. PaGone - Angel Pagan returned to heaven with Christopher Lloyd. Pagan, realizing there was nothing more he could do for the Mets, flew off the field in the 4th inning to receive a new assignment from God.
9. Green Apple - The Shea Stadium Apple, tired of hearing how great the Citi Field Apple looks, urinated on the electrical system that controls the hydraulics of its replacement. Unfortunately for the Shea Stadium Apple, the Mets did not hit another home run forcing the Apple to come clean in frustration. Jeff Wilpon is letting the Apple sit in a cell overnight to think about what he's done and will post bail tomorrow.
10. Mentally Wright - David Wright extended his record streak by homering in his 45th straight at-bat since returning from being hit in the head by a Matt Cain fastball. Opposing pitchers, afraid that Wright can now see the future, cannot bring themselves to intentionally walk him. Wright stares at them and all of a sudden the intentional walk seems like a bad idea. Bud Selig says there is nothing in the rules against precognition or mind control.

Don't forget to go to Etan's blog for 10 more Mets possibilities.

A Mets Fan Goes To Cooperstown

The Baseball Hall of Fame is Disney World for baseball fans. It's simple. I got giddy as soon as I started seeing all of the baseball memorabilia. But being a Mets fan at the Baseball Hall of Fame is kinda like being a fan of foil at the Hershey's Museum. There's probably going to be some mention about it being the wrapping of choice but in the end, it's all about the Yankees - I mean chocolate.

When you are a Mets fan, there's Tom Seaver and...uhh...well...uhh...hmmm. You have to travel through 2/3 of the Hall before you even find Tom Seaver. Granted, it's in chronological order and the Mets weren't around until 1962 but it still takes a long time to see Mets stuff. I even had my wife take pictures of New York Giants memorabilia because it was close enough.

Well, there's Tom Seaver!

Once we got to the Seaver portion of the Hall, we stayed. We set up camp and lived off a rationed lollipop in the shape of Dave Winfield (on clearance since 2002). At one point, some people in Reds apparel came by and we stared them down until they left. Seaver belongs to us. After four days of worship, we moved on.

At the time of wearing, my shirt was not "retro."

If there was any indication of the lack of respect for all things Mets at the Hall of Fame, it came in the locker room section of the current teams. They have a room where each team gets a locker. The contents of the locker are bats, gloves, cleats, and so on from memorable moments in the team's recent history. Along with that is a jersey for a great player from that team. I imagined David Wright or Johan Santana but no. The Hall of Fame selected a Tom Glavine jersey. Tom Glavine, the most hated Mets player in recent memory. Thanks, Hall.

If you take away the fact that the Mets don't have a lot of Cooperstown-worthy greatness, the Hall of Fame is fantastic. Seeing Hank Aaron's section and realizing how amazing his career was. Walking through the plaques of all the inductees. There was even a Newark Bears hat for Rickey Henderson. (Did you read that? The Newark Bears are almost as well-repesented as the Mets. Alright, I'm done!) If you love baseball, go. But don't start a fire when camping out in front of Tom Seaver's wall. They hate that. We caused the sprinklers to turn on and ruined the area dedicated to the current World Champions. Eat it, Phillies.

My Thoughts On The Mets

A true test of fandom is staying a fan through the downtimes, when your team is being blown out 50 percent of the time. This is where the Mets are at right now. My fandom is being tested. It's getting so bad that when I get on the train wearing my Mets hat, Yankee fans say things like "It'll turn around" and they aren't being cruel. When Yankee fans are treating you with kid gloves, action is necessary.

Sometimes the best action is inaction. The Mets could shut it down for the season, put up a "Pardon Our Appearance" sign with Mr. Met wearing a hard hat, and look forward to a healthy 2010. The rest of the year could be used as a chance for fans to come see the Mets' stars of tomorrow. Wilmer Flores can play shortstop. Brad Holt and John Niese can get some starts. Let the youth bring joy to the ticket holders. Then, when we least expect it, they start rattling off wins. Each win causes a portion of clothing to be removed from a life-size, Omar Minaya cutout in the locker room and these new Mets want to see Minaya in a bikini!

Alright, the Mets are not the thing of movies these days. If anything, it's "Terms of Endearment" with the team being Debra Winger and the fans, Shirley MacClaine. (Also acceptable, "Titanic" if you take out the party in steerage.) The Mets are not good right now. They can't will themselves to win. Their wins come when they pitch well, hit well, and play perfect defense. If any of those slip, they lose. The pressure to play perfect baseball every night is too much. That's why you have a great win like the 5-1 game on Saturday and back that up with 7-1 beating yesterday.

I don't think a trade would be the answer, unless we can get Pujols for Tatis straight up. Tatis did put up Pujols-esque numbers* when he played with the Cardinals (.298 BA, 34 HR, 107 RBI). And that's the sad thing about it. Unless we can get Pujols, there is no trade out there that can right this ship. Matt Holliday is available but we have no success negotiating with Billy Beane and he is not hitting like he did when he was with the Rockies (go figure). Roy Halladay would cost us the farm and we are not one great pitcher away from a World Series run. I pray that Minaya will not panic and make a move that hurts our 2010 and beyond chances.

Injuries are an unfortunate part of baseball. The Mets were affected by them too much to prevail. I have this fear that David Wright got seriously injured in June but the Mets couldn't take away the face of the franchise. The fans would have thrown themselves off the Promenade. So they cloned him, forgetting to include the portions with plate coverage. I truly feel we would be atop the East with a whole season of our Opening Day starters. It just didn't happen.

Am I giving up on 2009? No, I'm a Mets fan and I can't do that. I don't want the ghost of Tug McGraw to haunt me for the rest of time. I want the team to have fun. Forget about winning. I think the fans understand that this season was out of our hands. Maybe if the the team relaxes, we might have some good results. You never know what can happen. This is baseball and standing in the on-deck circle could be something Amazin'.

Let's Go Mets!

* If Pujols decided to stop playing baseball after the All-Star Break and take up needlepoint.