The Ice Dancing Brother Sister Kama Sutra

There is nothing more sensual than a male and female sibling dancing upon frozen water adorned in the costume of stereotypes. Nobody does it better than Sinead and John Kerr which is why I was so glad they volunteered to be the models for this, the first ever Ice Dancing Brother Sister Kama Sutra. Let's get creepy sexy.

THE BUCKET SIS

This is similar to a Crotch-Touching Crab Walk except at the end, your sister bends her waist allowing her soft upper thighs to provide the comforting lumbar support of a luxury car's bucket seat. Sibling Carnal Meter: 4 Frightening Flames

BROTHER UPSKIRT VIEW
Remember all of those times that your brother looked up your skirt. Well, next time you are feeling offensively Scottish, you can get your revenge. Have your brother get in his finest Oompa Loompa stance. Throw yourself over his strong knee extending your body straight and gaze upon your brother's undercarriage. Sibling Carnal Meter: 3 Frightening Flames

HUNCHBACK OF BRO-TRE DAME

Though you aren't hideous, your weird relations with your brother have caused your parents to abandon you. Your only task is to ring that bell and your brother is the rope. Pull him. Pull on your brother with all you've got. Sibling Carnal Meter: 1 Frightening Flame

THE BROPOSAL
While your brother isn't proposing to you, know that he wishes society would let him. Place your desperate groin on your brother's knee. You are the jewelry box and he is presenting you and all your beauty. Your ass points up as his strong hands hold you at the smooth bend of your knees. Throw your head back in ecstasy. Sibling Carnal Meter: 3 Frightening Flames

ERR TRAFFIC CONTROL
Your bodies are like powerful airplanes moving through the sky. Keep your arms out to the side. Your brother wasn't on your radar nor were you on his but it's too late for that now. Place your sexy sisterly waist between your brother's knees. He's so strong. Your faces are inches apart. It's like when you were 5. He's not touching your face. He's not touching your face. Yet. Sibling Carnal Meter: 5 Frightening Flames

PROSTHETIC LEG
Your brother's strong leg no longer works. You have to replace it. You've always wanted to be a part of him and now you can. Wrap your arms around your brother's hungry torso. Become his leg. Help him skate. Sibling Carnal Meter: 2 Frightening Flames

FUTURE SEX/LOVE SIBLINGS
Imagine yourself in the future. The walls of injustice have come crumbling down and society recognizes a love that was once forbidden and still should be. Hold your sisterly body taught with anticipation. Your brother massages his temples to calm down his excitement. Form a canon and destroy that ground with sibling lust. Sibling Carnal Meter: 3 Frightening Flames

Lesser Known Pairs Figure Skating Moves

The Pizza Dough - This move is dangerous and can't be done with those female giants we usually see at the Olympics. Your partner must be no taller than 106 cm and weigh no more than 4 stone. If you want to point out the fun of measuring weight for a pizza-named move in stones, you may. The male partner, or "pizza maker," must toss the appropriate-sized female into the air with her body parallel to the ground and spinning counter-clockwise. Then, the male will catch the female on his fists and repeat the toss 2 more times. Kneading can be added for style points but is not necessary.

The Women's Rights Movement - A reversal of the status quo that requires a couple of extra hours in the gym for the female. The female simply holds the male over her head by his crotch with one arm. This is also sometimes referred to as The G.I. Jane or The Revenge of the Nards.

Turkey Bowling - The female tucks herself into as small a package as she possibly can. The male skates to one end of the rink and releases her bowling style across the ice towards the opposite side. The male immediately skates as fast he can to the other side, passing the female along the way. The male positions himself as the "pin" and awaits impact. A timed cymbal smash in the music always adds to the final score.

The Moonwalk - Judges always expect fluidity in motion among the skaters but why not surprise them with the opposite? The skaters move in unison as if on the moon. They lumber in slow motion on the front of their skates as they deal with the weaker gravity. Then, to finish the program, the male picks up the female and sticks her into the ice. She extends her arm to the side as her country's flag emerges from her sleeve and waves to the joy of the crowd.

The Junior - The female tucks herself into as small a package as she possibly can. She is placed under the costume of the male partner at the base of the torso. The male obviously cannot wear a one-piece costume unless it has a zipper. The male does the whole program with the female in the "womb." At the end, the male releases, or births, the female for final poses. If the male is wearing the one-piece with the zipper, he may take the female out through the zipper to have a c-section as an alternative.

The Clean Up On Aisle 7 - One of the skaters must have long hair or wear a wig. The partner without the long hair picks up the other partner and holds him upside down with hair splayed on the ice. The "mop" might want to think about using forehead padding as ice is traditionally hard. The "mopper" proceeds to clean the whole rink. At the end, the "mopper" puts herself in a spin that continues until a hole is cut in the ice. To finish the performance, the "mopper" shoves the mop into the hole, or "bucket." Pose for applause.