Tor's New Portmanteaus

No, they aren't tortmanteaus or portmantors. Though those would be fantastic examples. These are words that are the combination of two other words a la "smoke" and "fog" make "smog."

Jesustenance - A way of living in which a human survives solely by consuming Communion wafers and church wine.

ProfessioNell - Someone who spends his/her life devoted to the impersonation of "Gimme a Break" star, Nell Carter. Also known as "The roulette dealer you can't identify at the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas."

Afrog - The main character in a famous 1970s Toadsploitation movie. Afrog was a framed amphibian put in jail after cops found drugs and stolen merchandise at his lily pad. Afrog spends the rest of the movie clearing his name while maintaining his pond cred.

Spermanent - A hairstyle from the 90s made popular by Cameron Diaz in the movie, "There's Something About Mary." Does not last as long as a regular permanent.

Portreat - The ultimate in narcissistic edibles, a cracker in the likeness of the consumer.

Parliamentos - Known as "The Lawmaker," they are a brand of mints exclusively used by England's government.

Cromance - An overly-friendly relationship between two early modern humans. Though the persons labeled will deny it and just say they are being cros.

Spluge - A variant on the popular sledding sport. After a long slide down the track, the sledder hits a bump and takes a dive into a water pool. Points are awarded for dive tricks.

Whoremality - The point in an illicit evening of passion when the relations are over and the prostitute wants to leave but needs to get the payment. If you are the John, get this out of the way as you don't want to meet her boss.

Evian Babies = Noooooo!

The Evian Babies are the latest in disturbing ads aimed at making me want to run headfirst into an axe.



I've gone off on diatribes about the wrongitude* of babies talking or dancing or whatever other computer-generated activity they are made to do. Who needs to hear all that again? Instead, let's look at what else is wrong with this. Where are their parents? Where are the knee pads? Where are the helmets? Do they figure the bones are so soft they can fuse them back together? Are we to believe that these babies have the same musical interests as the rapping grandma from "The Wedding Singer?" The only thing I would agree with is the use of a onesie. That has to be really freeing to skate in. Think how easy it must be to land a kickflip without baggy pant legs getting in the way. Maybe we'll see onesies at the X Games. Get on it, Element.

* Also acceptable: inappropriaciousness, awfulty, jail meriting