Unnecessary Sequels

I love me some Twitter Trends. This is one from yesterday. You take a movie and come up with a sequel that shouldn't be made. I'm not talking like "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." We want movies that don't exist, not movies we wish didn't exist. So here's my list:

1. Punch Drunk Relationship Counseling
2. To Kill A Mockingbird And Maybe Check For A Pulse This Time, Richard
3. Stop! Or My Mom Will Reload
4. Don't Tell Mom That We Have A Pile of Babysitters In The Basement
5. Definitely Deeper Than Last Time Impact
6. Fight Varsity Team
7. Seriously This Time, Apocalypse...Now! No, Now!
8. Ei8ht: You Forgot Malvy
9. Some Also Like It Cold
10. Who's Sarah Marshall?
11. Lebowski Really Let Himself Go
12. Slumdog Poor Investor
13. Breakin' 3: Cellular Crumparee
14. Casablanca 2: Let's Have Paris Again
15. It Happened Again On A Different Night
16. Took A Moment To Calm Himself Down Bull
17. Singin' With Pneumonia
18. It's Still A Pretty Good Life
19. Did The Right Thing
20. Chief of Medicine Strangelove
21. High One P.M.
22. Bride Reconstructions
23. Back The Baby's Back
24. Superbad 2: McLovin's Lament
25. The Life Of Bees That Everyone Knows
26. Snakes With Parachutes
27. You, Robot, Too
28. The Hotter Girl Next To The Girl Next Door
29. School Of Roll
30. Grounding Nemo

CDC You Real Soon, Beer Pong

Doctors have determined that playing beer pong can lead to the transfer of the flu, mono, or even herpes. This doesn't make any sense. How can drinking a cup of beer that's had a ball that's been on a dorm room floor countless times the least bit dangerous? I mean you rinse it off in that rarely-changed cup of tepid water each time it hits the ground. A tepid water rinse is to disease what the morning-after pill is to babies. And I don't even need that one year in the Pre-Med program at Seton Hall to tell you that. That's why every guy dips his junk in warm water after a night with a particularly dirty hooker. It's the responsible thing to do.

These doctors are a bunch of nerds who were not allowed to play this great game and are now using their "science" to ruin things for the rest of us fun people. These doctors may ask, "How do you explain all of the sickness and disease among people who play beer pong?" To them, I say, "Coincidence. Mere coincidence." I'm sure the stomach flu I get every time I go to the city and then eat is because I forget to wash my hands after holding the pole in the subway car. Sure, doctors. Sure. Why don't you go play your Warcrafts or build your telescopes and leave the cool people alone?