Tor's Holiday Gifts: Gossip Girl

For the cast of Gossip Girl, I would get the following:

• Serena - An ace bandage so she can wrap her breasts Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry-style and get them down to a normal feminine contour and a turtleneck
• Blair - For Chuck to recreate the opening scene of Sweet Home Alabama
• Nate - A new dad
• Chuck - Rangers puck signed by the whole team and Nate's new dad if it doesn't work out with Nate
• Jenny - Placebos to replace the Ritalin they obviously put her on when she came back home after being on the verge of emancipating herself
• Dan - First edition copies of Ulysses and Dubliners by James Joyce and a new pair of pants to change into after he unwraps the books
• Rufus - A world tour with Jesse and the Rippers*
• Lily - Backstage passes to above world tour
• Eric - More backstage passes
• Dorota - A free pass to do or say anything she wants to the Waldorfs**

* - Yesss!

** - I would like this to be youtubed.

Tor's Product Review: Lady Time, All The Time

Remember this old fight from freshman year of high school:

Girl 1

I hate you!

Girl 2

I hate you more!

Girl 1

I wish you had your period always!

Girl 2

Oh yeah? Well, I wish you had your period always...plus one!

Girl 1

I wish you had your period always...infinity!

Good times. Always remembers that fight too and came up with...

Always Infinity. As Adam Sandler's character Barry once said in an SNL sketch, "Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?" I think a woman wants nothing more than to think about that time of the month becoming the length of that month and every other month after that. Then the response to "What are you, on the rag?" can be "Well, I'm a woman between puberty and menopause, aren't I? So, I guess the answer is yes." Here's your period...FOREVER! Was "Always And For The Rest Of Your Miserable, Cranky, Bloated, Uncomfortable Life" taken? Wow. 

Well done, Always.