Tor Baby Countdown: 71 Days

Tor baby. That's a typo away from disaster. Speaking of which, I like to think my impending daughter is like Baby Jessica, stuck at the bottom of my wife's well. Unfortunately the TV cameras won't come and the police won't do anything about it. There's a long wait until the rescue happens and, personally, I think that's cruel. Medically, I think it's the right call as she has to keep growing.

This weekend we put together a swing. Baby product companies give you just enough responsibility in the assembly of their products that you will never trust putting your baby in them. This swing came in about 20 pieces. When these 20 pieces are put together properly, it will simulate a cradling motion, a cradling motion you can easily do yourself as a parent and not subject your precious baby to the monstrosity you've assembled. I will be surprised if our swing turns on without melting in place. The motor is attached to the legs and best case, the swing will walk the baby around the room. Worst case - it will kick the baby incessantly.

The same goes for the Pack N Play/Bassinet. It took a good three tries before it even resembled what's on the box. As long as we keep the baby in the upper right corner, it should not fold in on itself, trapping the baby like a Venus Fly Trap. (Yeah, we watched Life last night.) At least it comes with three stuffed bears. That might give our daughter something to soak up the bleeding.

I know I'm being ridiculous. I was voted Most Likely to be a Good Dad in high school. Therefore, I will stop the karate swing as soon as I notice the baby beating and I'll get the Jaws of Life to spring her from the Pack N Play. I just wish these products would come with better instructions. All of the pieces look the same and everything "snaps" (much like your baby's bones would if they were hard enough) into place, meaning you can put it together however you want. Everything fits into everything! Why make a Pack N Play when you can make a sturdy pile of tubes you can impale yourself on with an adorable fabric pattern? That's what we did!

I long for simpler times when the scariest thing your baby had to face was a Velociraptor or the plague. I have a little over 2 months left and I wish Mr. Graco would come and put everything together for me. My wife and I can barely manage hanging pictures. I know we can handle the baby fine but we're going to have to trust putting her in one of these things we built at some point. We can only carry her in our arms for so long.

MRI-aphobic

Yesterday I went for an MRI on my back which I have to do from time to time for reasons I don't like to share because I'm not a sharer. I have a fear of the MRI machine but it's not claustrophobia. I'm quite fine in an enclosed space. Is that because you spend so much time with your head up your own ass? No, italicized me trying to get a laugh, it's not.

One of my fears has to do with sneezing. I'm a violent sneezer. I don't sneeze often but when I do, damn! If I sneeze in that machine, I will knock myself cold. I seriously spend the eighty minutes in there hoping I don't get a nose tickle.

Another fear is that some shape-shifting seductress may have injected me with liquid metal any of the times I've woken up in a seedy, strip club bathroom. How would I know? Do I take a magnet off the fridge and rub it up and down my body? Is a fridge magnet strong enough to pull subcutaneous metal? I doubt it. I'm going to have to wait until they turn on the machine and the metal pulls through my body as I curse all the people who didn't believe there were mutants living among us.

Then, there's the flooding hospital fear as instilled by last week's Grey's Anatomy. A quick recap: The hospital hit an iceberg, from what I understand, and began to fill with water. It slowly worked its way through the building and eventually short-circuited the MRI machine. Now, the man occupying the MRI machine on the show did not die but I think that's just because they needed him for the rest of the episode. Had he not been the character that brings hope and purpose to the main characters, he would have died because that's what happens when electricity, water, and a human body mix together. I'm really glad this episode aired before my appointment.

I guess I'm just happy it's over. Not moving for more than an hour while horrible noises blare in your ear is not an enjoyable time.