Tor's Take

Tor's Take Moving to Tumblr

2010-08-30T09:57:00.002-04:00

I've been fighting this for a couple of months. Tumblr seems to be the current it place to post things so I'm moving over there. Everything from this blog has been transferred over at this point so please follow me there.

Tor's Take on Tumblr

Bean Medley (New Video)

2010-08-19T10:55:00.003-04:00

I sat down and tried to think about what would be the most embarrassing video I could make for my daughter's classmates to find when she's a teenager. I figure a bean costume (wonderfully made by my wife), some white tights, and the word "fart" ought to do it.

I can always remind her that she smiled at me dancing in the bean costume the whole day of the shoot as she yells, "I hate you! Take it down!"

Tor's Shark Facts (For Shark Week)

2010-08-01T12:49:00.008-04:00

In honor of the beginning of Shark Week, I thought I would impart things that I know about sharks that maybe you didn't. This is stuff the Discovery Channel doesn't have the time to get to.

Sharks are looked down upon by the other fish because they lack retirement plans.
Sharks have a great sense of smell. It results in death if exposed to a particularly vicious hot boxing.
A great gift to celebrate a shark's 1000th kill is a 1988 California Red Chum. It looks nice in the brine cellar.
Sharks are governed absolutely by one shark. The King Shark rules over the entire Mon-Sharky.
The dorsal fin of a shark was originally octagonal which caused two sharks, upon meeting, to die. Darwinism eventually fixed it.
Sharks are not allowed to hunt humans in the summer without a license.
Sharks are blessed with one of the most beautiful singing voices of any creature on Earth but they are cursed to live in the sea with its poor acoustics.
Of all the shark professions, from killer to super killer, the most profitable is shark dentist.
Male sharks battle for the attention of female sharks by showing how many barrels they can pull under water. The Great "Jeff" is said to have pulled 12 for "Maggie."
Sharks are deathly afraid of fine china. That's why there were no sharks at the Titanic sinking. That and geographic location and water temperatures.

Mel Gibson Tapes (The Rest)

2010-07-16T21:21:00.003-04:00

This is a new sketch in the wake of all those wonderful-for-the-image tapes of Mel Gibson going around. I felt after the 5th one, it was time to explore what the rest would be like.

MetsTDs

2010-07-13T15:36:00.004-04:00

I wrote the first list item below on Twitter a couple of weeks ago after Jose Reyes hit a ball hard off Chan Ho Park of the Yankees. I said he gave Chan Ho Park diaReyes. Then a good comedian responded with the second one. I've been thinking of the rest of them at random and felt like posting the results.

DiaReyes
Paganorrhea (via Charles Star, follow him)
Takahashingles
TouWright's Syndrome
HepaTatis B
Blancolitis
Dickey Cell Anemia
K-Rodic Arthritis
Francoeurpes (also acceptable, SchizoFrenchya)
Bayds

Have anymore?

A Few Thoughts on Swaddling

2010-06-30T10:20:00.007-04:00

For those that don't know, swaddling is a way to wrap a baby to make her feel comforted and help her sleep. A blanket is systematically wrapped and folded until the baby is in a cocoon. This is supposed to be reminiscent of the limited mobility found in the womb.

The butterfly will emerge from her cocoon and scream until your ears bleed.

Nothing makes you feel more like a serial killer than swaddling a fussy baby - shushing close to her ear, holding down her arms, staring into her frightened eyes, telling her it'll be ok if she just calms down, and throwing her in a cage until you're ready to deal with her again.

I'm missing the part of the brain that cares about my daughter's limb freedom.

Once I get my daughter in a sufficient swaddle and into the crib, she fights it like I just put her in a chained-up straitjacket, dropped her in a locked water tank, and 2 minutes have gone by with no air.

Good or bad, it'll all be over soon, Beautiful.

She squirms so hard against her restraints. She makes grunting noises that sound eerily similar to when the velociraptors communicate in Jurassic Park as well as strategically testing all parts of the swaddle for weaknesses. She's a problem solver.

That one...when she looks at you, you can tell she's working things out.

She definitely finds that weakness because, at some point in the night, she gets a hand out of the top of the swaddle. Then it's only a matter of time before she's completely out and wailing for attention. The only saving grace is that it's closer to morning by this point and morning means the longest time until you have to swaddle her again.

eMarkHarmony

2010-06-17T20:36:00.003-04:00

Hey, I found time to make a new sketch. Newborns sometimes allow an hour or two for you and I took advantage.

Here's the pitch:

Some people have very specific tastes when they are searching for that special someone. At eMarkHarmony, we don't care what you like as long as what you like is a bit Mark Harmon-y.

Tor Baby Countup: Day 1

2010-06-06T09:04:00.000-04:00

For those who don't know, my daughter was born on May 23rd, negating our planned trip to see MacGruber. I did not get to finish the Tor Baby Countdown but that doesn't mean I can't start a countup. Unfortunately, how often this will happen will be on the baby as she takes up all of my time. I can't believe how hard it is to sit down at a computer and try to write a blog when you are taking care of a newborn. We're having an off switch installed on her back next week so that might help.

This is why we're going with the back. The face is too prominent. Europe, am I right?

Here's the story of her birth:

It was the 3 in the morning on the Sunday of the Lost series finale. I was dreaming of Kate, Claire, and Hurley running in slow motion on the beach like the vikings in the Capital One commercials.

What's in my wallet? Not a ticket stub for MacGruber.

The elders say that when a woman's water breaks, it is a gush of water. Well, based on the number of towels on the floor in our bathroom, it was an intern with a megaphone away from being on the Universal Studios tour.

"If you look to your left, you can invade Kevin's wife's privacy."

The doctor told my wife to shower and head on in as the contractions would be starting soon. You definitely want to be fresh and clean before stuff starts coming out of every orifice in your body. The contractions did start soon and they progressed fast. Within 45 minutes, they were 3-4 minutes apart.

I was flying up the Garden State Parkway as my wife was screaming next to me. I ran two red lights. The second of which took a picture of us. I'd like to see that snap shot: My white-knuckled hands around the steering wheel with my fear-filled eyes staring blankly ahead while my wife yells in agony with her hands on her pregnant belly. That should be a keeper down at the station.

"Segway13, what's your 20? We have a great photo you just have to see."

I parked in the fire zone in front of the hospital. I put my car in flames just to make sure it didn't get towed. We headed to admitting and things really started to pick up speed. What I remember about the next hour is about ten doctors and nurses prodding my wife, the baby's heartbeat going down with each contraction because the cord was wrapped around her neck, and lots of screaming. I just couldn't keep it in. Births and roller coasters. Those are my scream times.

About that cord wrapping. My daughter was apparently into amniotic asphyxiation. It certainly didn't come from my wife and me. I don't know where she learned it but I assure you, it stops right now. I'm putting my foot down. She's not allowed to hang out in that womb anymore.

Perv

It's hard to pick out the funny in times such as these but there was one thing. They took my wife for an emergency c-section and had not given her the epidural because of the issue with the baby. As they wheeled her out of the room with time running down, the anesthesiologist said, "Just give me one shot at her back, I'll get it done." When did Jack Bauer show up in my wife's ER? Is there room for this kind of bad-assery in modern medicine?

"Damn it, Chloe! Get me that IV bag!"

By the time I got the scrubs on and got into the operating room, my daughter was born, three hours and nineteen minutes after the water breaking. So with my wife behind the curtain on the table and me arriving late, we didn't see her come out. We're hoping that in the coming weeks, she'll do things to let us know the surgeons didn't pull a fast one. Until then, please enjoy Cassidy Lorelai Tor.

She has my eyes.

Tor Baby Countdown: 10 Days

2010-05-22T09:21:00.006-04:00

I'm willing to fudge the numbers on this and make it "Tor Baby Countdown: 6 Days." The ideal date for the baby to come would be May 28th. It's Memorial Day Weekend and that means we have more coverage for dealing with the Siblings Jerkface, my wife gets a decent amount of non-baby vacation days, and we get to see the Lost season finale when everyone else does.

Memorial Day Weekend is three days off of work for our friends and family to do what they want to do - feed and walk our dogs. BBQs are great and all but can it compare to feeding two animals that can't say thank you? Relaxing and freeing yourself of stress is a nice goal by why shoot so low when there is dog feces just waiting to be picked up!

"You know what would make this better? Poop in my hand."

Memorial Day Weekend gives us six more days together as non-parents. Six days to watch my wife waddle around in discomfort. Six days to hear her wish the baby was out of her. Six days of Vicks VapoRub wafting through the bedroom. Six days to see MacGruber.

Jim Leo is casting Evangeline Lily in the role of my wife.

Memorial Day Weekend means the baby let us have the Lost series finale in peace. I can stop having dreams where the doctor hands me my daughter and she looks up at me and says, "It's purgatory and everyone but Ben goes to Hell" or something equivalently disappointing. I am less than 48 hours from not seeing this every night.

"There is no satisfying ending, Daddy."

At our last appointment, we said to the baby doctor that May 28th would be the ideal birth date and he told us that he could make that happen. He could induce on the 28th to fit our schedule. We both threw up in our mouths and told him, "No, thanks." This baby will come when she wants. Hopefully, next Friday.

Sex and the City 2 Trailer (What I Hear)

2010-05-21T10:31:00.002-04:00

I am not a fan of the show. I've tried watching it. Check out my Sex and the City blog. I gave it a fair chance.

Anyway, this is what I hear when the trailer comes on my television or before my featured presentation at the theater.

Al.com Features My NJ Governor Parody

2010-05-20T19:49:00.004-04:00

Al.com is the Alabama news website. They recently included my NJ Governor parody in an article on videos poking fun at the Tim James "We speak English" ad (4th one down).

Another article on the site alludes to the fact that the gubernatorial candidate has seen the video and finds it humorous. Fantas-great. (Twirls finger.)

Here is a screenshot where they talk about Spruce Bringsteen:

And here is my video once again:

American Idol Season 9 - Top 3 (Elimination)

2010-05-20T10:12:00.003-04:00

Dear Casey,

Ever since you took off your shirt to get a "yes" for a ticket to Hollywood, I knew you were going to go far in this competition. It takes a special, pec-less man to stand on stage and do what can marginally be considered singing in front of millions of people. You were a macho Taylor Hanson. The good thing is that you realized how fortunate you were to get to the Top 3. You never had an iota of entitlement and I respect that. Good luck to you and your guitar skills. Now put your shirt on and get out of the way. We're trying to get a picture of the two people who were written into the finals 12 weeks ago.

Sincerely,

Kevin

Tor Baby Countdown: 13 Days

2010-05-19T16:43:00.005-04:00

We went to the baby doctor today for what could end up being the last time. We may be ahead of schedule. Last week, my wife was at 2 cm dilated and 60-70% effaced. To be technical, the doctor described her as a "tight 2."

Let me point something out for those who don't know. The doctor determines the number of centimeters by how many fingers he can fit in there. A tight 2? Did he go to medical school in a boys' high school locker room? Is my wife also a good candidate for a noogie?

Nurse, pass me a twisted towel and let's roll the patient over so I can get at her buttocks.

This time, the doctor said that my wife was 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced. So there has been progress since last week which means the baby is coming sooner rather than later. It's time to put the hospital bag in the car. After all of that torture putting it together, it would suck to forget it at home. Then the hospital bag will have to protect itself from Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci using swinging paint cans.

"It's a hospital bag. Hospital bags are stupid."

Let's hope there's a blog tomorrow. There's still too much to do. (Like watching the finale of Lost.) Little Lady Tor needs to cooperate.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 3

2010-05-18T20:44:00.006-04:00

There will be an abbreviated American Idol recap today. There is a lot of baby stuff to get done around the house so I don't think I can take the time. Tonight was Lee's night. Everyone can agree on that. Let's start with the Idols' choices.

Casey James - "Ok, It's Alright With Me" - I don't know the song. It sounded fine. Nothing exciting. Still, I think this is a song style that Casey can be good at. He could go the John Mayer route of limited vocals/awesome guitar. He just has to avoid Jessica Simpson.

Crystal Bowersox - "Come To My Window" - That was a weird arrangement of it. Did she take all of the lyrics and put them in bingo machine? It was such a mess and didn't sound that great, either.

To window come my

Lee DeWyze - "Simple Man" - It was very good. So much better than last week. They should have called him BP because he killed that Seal but this is how you move on. This first round was like picking between LeBron James and two of me from my high school JV team. Hint -Take LeBron.

And now the judges' choices:

Casey James - "Daughters" - This was pure sabotage by Kara and Randy. Everyone was pretty sure Casey was going home this week before he opened his mouth but Kara and Randy did all they could to ensure it short of giving him "I'm Every Woman." I know I said he's a John Mayer type but this is a terrible John Mayer song and there was little he could do with it.

Crystal Bowersox - "Maybe I'm Amazed" - Surprisingly good. I did not know she could do the screaming parts. Light years better than the Melissa Etheridge song. This was Empire Strikes Back and that was Phantom Menace. Way to make the Finals, StarWarsox.

Lee DeWyze - "Hallelujah" - I was not happy with this choice by Simon. It felt lazy. Not only does this song belong to Jason Castro but Tim Urban did it about ten weeks ago. It's been done this season! Regardless, Lee sang it so well. This contest was like my groceries when I get back from the store - in the environmentally-safe bag. He deserves to win the whole thing. Sorry, Crystal.

Going Home: Casey James

Tor Baby Countdown: 14 Days

2010-05-18T17:30:00.006-04:00

It's one of our last New Produce Tuesdays. The baby is the length of a leek! LEEEK! A leek is a vegetable that is related to the onion which makes sense as the baby will also create smells that lead to tears. I do have one question for Baby Center, though. Where's the watermelon? It better be next week. I've been looking forward to a watermelon for 38 weeks now. Bring the watermelon!

Today is my wife's first day home from work. We went to the movies and saw Iron Man 2. We have plans for 2 more movies this week as we've been told we will never go to the movies again. I have calls out to the studios to put The A-Team, Toy Story 3, Twilight: Eclipse, Inception, The Other Guys, and Scott Pilgrim in theaters this weekend. I have not heard back but I am certain they will gladly accommodate a moderate YouTube star such as myself.

"Let's go somewhere else"

We have also started a Facebook pool for the baby's birth date and weight. One person picked this Saturday which is our wedding anniversary. I don't want that as an anniversary present. Some people will say it will make it easy to remember my anniversary. I'm not a husband in a sitcom. I remember my anniversary because I love my wife. Also, I want to make sure I see MacGruber.

THAT'S an anniversary present.

Tor Baby Countdown: 15 Days

2010-05-17T09:19:00.007-04:00

Today is my wife's last day of work before her maternity leave. She is very excited and so am I though I can't bring it up as we have taken a vow of silence from each other. With labor lasting an average of 14 hours, we want to save up discussion topics so we don't run out. But how do you plan for 14 hours or more of talking?

Watching all of my YouTube videos only gets you about 90 minutes. Even when she begs me to watch them a second time, we still have 11 hours to fill. I could do my stand-up act for 30 minutes or so but that will only please the hospital staff and it's more about my wife at that point.

"You know what's fun to do? Speculate on specula. That guy knows what I'm talking about."

Another timekiller is a delivery room puppet show. Everyone loves puppets and maternity puppets, or muppets, are the most beloved of all. If you Google "muppets," you should see how many people love them. I am getting pretty good at voices, too. I've been practicing in anticipation of impressing our daughter. How is she going to respect me as a performer if I give her lackluster character work at bedtime? She won't.

Everyone loves the famous story of "The Dragon and Estelle Getty"

I can read her a book. I can give her a halftime-esque, locker room pep talk. We can play Earthquake Scrabble (a variation on regular Scrabble where the board gets cleared a lot from jostling as we will be playing on her chest). We can name the Presidents. We can name all of the bad guys from the original Batman series (Clock King!). We can compare and contrast contractions.

"Was that one worse or better than your 253rd one? Worse or better than your 25th? Great so it ranks 907th overall so far. You're doing great."

I'm not sure how we are going to pass the time. Anything you do is going to associate that thing with misery. Therefore, no Weezer marathon. The most important thing to do is keep your eyes on the prize and hope the pain ends soon. Labor Day is coming...

Tor Baby Countdown: 18 Days

2010-05-14T09:07:00.007-04:00

18 m'n f'n days, ya'll! What?!? You hear me, daughta?!?

The process of having a baby is like swallowing Pandora's box. Then, on the way through digestion, stomach acid burns through the lock on the box. The box opens up somewhere in the gut and all the evils of the world are unleashed to wreak havoc upon the woman's insides.

Let's see what Metamucil can really do.

If that wasn't enough to deal with, there are stretch marks. Frankly, the human body should be able to gain from 30 to 70 pounds in a 9 month period and handle it fine but some people weren't born so lucky. Stretch marks are punishment for those people who weren't born with enough skin elasticity to handle such a girth growth. My wife is one of these people.

For the last couple of months, my wife has been smearing every possible cream she can find onto her belly to avoid such marks. The latest remedy is Vicks VapoRub so now my wife smells like impending baby and cold and flu season. It's a pleasure to lie in the same bed as her. Good thing she doesn't generate enough heat to cook a turkey in 10 minutes or I wouldn't be able to sleep near her. Oh wait-

It's like this movie only not as sexy or murdery.

Stretch marks are not fair. Some women say that stretch marks are a badge of honor and like a souvenir from the pregnancy, something to remind them of what they went through. You know what else does that? The baby.

I went through pregnancy and all I got was this lousy baby.

Tor Baby - Episode 1 (Lost Parody)

2010-05-13T20:22:00.006-04:00

This is my homage to Lost and all the show has given us. As many of you know, my daughter will be born soon. The Lost series finale is also coming soon. I need her to hold off.

In Episode 1, I find out about the pregnancy and search this mysterious nursery.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 4 (Elimination)

2010-05-13T09:00:00.002-04:00

Dear Big Mike,

You were bound to leave the Idol stage at some point. It's best that it was by being voted off and not by accidentally snapping a mentor's neck while lifting them up in a hug. Then Seacrest would have to shoot you like George shot Lennie. It would have made for compelling television, something Idol hasn't had this season.

I have been tough on you on this blog. Know that it wasn't your singing but your actions that caused me to dislike you. Actions do speak louder than vocally-extended words. The fist pumps. The double-handed waving to the crowds. The lip licking. The head toss. The forearm X. The Aaron Kelly lifts. The fedora positioning. The chest pounding. It all left a bad taste in my mouth that repeated rinses with Listerine have not removed.

However, I wish you well. I hope your daughter grows up to be everything you want her to be and I hope your wife gets her eyes fixed because they were constantly leaking. Be well, Big Mike, and stay out of my iTunes. I don't want to hear your name ever again.

Sincerely,

Kevin

American Idol Season 9 - Top 4

2010-05-12T16:37:00.000-04:00

Jamie Foxx was the mentor for Songs from the Movies night. I decided to copy his t-shirt idea and hand out t-shirts to each of the contestants tonight. It was a really weak night for American Idol. Even Lee wasn't good. At least there were the duets.

Lee DeWyze - "Kiss From A Rose" - Not good this week, Lee. Falsetto is not a place to be. He needs to never do that again. The chorus was the only good part. Lee is allowed a bad night, though. Kris Allen had a tough time with "All She Wants to do is Dance" last season and he ended up fine. I think Lee is safe. Here is his t-shirt:

Sorry, Lee. It's usually Heidi Klum's problem.

Big Mike - "Will You Be There?" - Answer - "Will I? I can't. Sorry. It's pretty hectic. Can you call someone else?" This performance had no effort. He even left the cheesiness out. There was nothing to it. Adding a choir did nothing but make him sound worse.

I got a deal on this because they forgot to print the "with"

Lee and Crystal - "Falling Slowly" - Amazing! I watched it three times. This is why these two should be in the final. Crystal held that together by harmonizing with Lee. I don't think Lee is used to harmonizing. The thing I didn't like were the judges' comments. The only reason Randy or Simon even knows this song is because of the awesome job Kris Allen did on it last season and yet no mention of him. Just typical of this season forgetting the former champ.

Casey James - "Mrs. Robinson" - This was mellow and much better than last week but it was still not worthy of a Top 3 Idol contestant. He seemed to be very conscious of his vibrato problem and tried to avoid holding notes. Therefore, he sang it like he was in a library or like he was being yelled at by his boss.

Casey is like March.

Crystal Bowersox - "I'm Alright" - She made the stupid song from Caddyshack great. I loved it. It was the only good solo performance. I'm glad Crystal is back in the competition. I was worried that everything was getting to her. She was cranky and talking back. It's like she grew up this week after a toddler phase. Hence:

A new classic

Casey and Big Mike - "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?" - Casey's guitar work was incredible. He should get to stay just for that. I actually felt like Big Mike ruined the song when he entered. Casey was doing a solid job with it. This was not in the same class as Lee and Crystal's duet. In fact, it should get a tutor and maybe stay back a year.

Bottom Three: I don't think they are doing this but I would say that Lee is safe and the others would be here. That said, it will either be Casey or Big Mike. I want Big Mike to go but I think it will be Casey. That or I've noticed that I've picked wrong the last few weeks and I want to work with my streak.

Going Home: Casey James

Tor Baby Countdown: 20 Days

2010-05-12T15:32:00.009-04:00

So we went to the baby doctor today and had our first internal exam. This is where the doctor treats your wife like a malfunctioning vending machine. The doctor put in his money for your baby and the baby fell but didn't come out so he needs to reach up in there to try to grab it. That's as pleasantly and accurately as it can be put.

Crazy coincidence - That's our doctor!

The baby's head is in the right place. That's one thing we learned. All of her bags are packed. She's done all she wants to do inside the womb and she's ready to move on. She's heading towards the light and this is one of the few times that's ok. Another time would be when we are separated and trapped in a toy store late at night, the store has shut off all of the power, and I am flashing my keychain lamp.

Dramatization where toddler plays my baby and a carpet plays my wife's body.

The doctor also checks for dilation and effacement. Dilation is the process in which the cervix opens up. Effacement is the process in which the cervix shrinks in length. Let's think about this in terms of a leg on a pair of jeans. The leg is the cervix and the leg hole is the opening of the cervix. Pre-labor, the jeans are down to your ankle and tight-rolled like it's the 80s. As labor happens, the cuff becomes looser and the pant leg moves up as if there was a flood. Get it?

These jeans have obviously gone into labor.

When a woman reaches 100% effaced and 10 cm dilated, the baby will come out. My wife was measured at 2 cm dilated and 60-70% effaced. Does that mean this blog won't reach zero or even negative days? I don't know but I'm putting the hospital stuff in an actual bag as I one-hand type this.

Tor Baby Countdown: 21 Days

2010-05-11T08:31:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was Mother's Day and my wife got presents from people in my family. While it's nice that my family accepts her and buys her things, this was misguided. Where's the baby? Is the baby still inside my wife? Yes! Therefore, she should not get anything. She is not a mother yet.

According to Article 4 Section 3 of the Hallmark Holiday Handbook:

Any woman who is gestationally compromised cannot be considered a "mother" on the Second Sunday of May unless the current womb inhabitant is not the first offspring of the woman. Any presents or cards offered to such a woman must be burned in the middle of the restaurant (or other celebratory location) immediately.

Subsection Junior - This goes for men too.

Regardless, it was a nice day and my wife got to burn some nice stuff.

A lot of first-time pregnancies at this eatery.

Well, it's Tuesday and you know what that means, blog readers - new fruit or vegetable! We have a good melon streak going. According to Baby Center, our little girl is now the size of a stalk of Swiss chard. Why just looking at my baby's size makes me want to throw up. Is there a grosser anything in the world? No. There isn't. It looks like a fifth grade project where you have to make a vegetable (lettuce) look like an animal (fish) to satisfy some weird "We're all living things" challenge by a sadistic science teacher.

Your neutrality does not help matters, chard!

The baby is now considered "full term" which means if it was born today (God forbid that miracle), the baby would be fine and not need to be put in the incubator (or Baby Bake Oven). Now that the baby is full term, my wife an I can start putting together the hospital bag. That's what we've been waiting for.

Look, our pile has gotten bigger which means we are more ready to go to the hospital than we were last time I talked about this. I actually think we have everything we need in the pile now. We just have to bag it so no need to ask about the hospital bag anymore. This blog is done talking about it.

Terrific Tweets

2010-05-07T15:49:00.004-04:00

Jon Friedman, a very funny man who writes for Jimmy Fallon, keeps a list of his favorite tweets from the week. This week I was fortunate enough to have one of my tweets included. To see the post, click here.

I'm on Jimmy Fallon's blog. On the same page as Lizz Winstead, Toddy Barry, and Jim Gaffigan. I'm pleased. Thanks, Jon!

Tor Baby Countdown: 25 Days

2010-05-07T13:03:00.005-04:00

Boy Jerkface has started to take on stairs. He got the go-ahead from his doctor yesterday. We were instructed to roll a towel and put it under his body like a sling to take some of the weight off his back legs. The first attempt was before bed last night.

At this point in our post-torn ACL life, Boy Jerkface has gotten used to being carried around. He shows no interest in using his legs like a sucker. Why climb the stairs when someone can cradle you like a baby and bring you where you want to go? It makes sense. So it was no surprise when I implemented the sling and he stood there with a "What's going on with my back legs?" look on his face. We were doing the doggie wheelbarrow but with no forward momentum.

Not the picture I was looking for but fun nonetheless.

We gave up for the night but this morning was a new day. Boy Jerkface made for the stairs and I stood a few stairs down from him and we went slow. He made it to the first landing. I was so proud of him.

Do you want to keep going?

Boy Jerkface

...

Ok!

Down he went to the first floor. He kept going. Can we go down the last flight to the garage? All of the stairs in one morning? Does this dog have the healing ability of Wolverine? How is this possible?

All the way to the garage, buddy?

Boy Jerkface

...

Well don't let me stop you.

He made it down 30 steps in total without a hiccup. I've never been prouder of him. I rubbed his back furiously saying, "Good Boy! Good Boy!" I was near tears.

When we got to the garage, I put him on his bicycle and we started in the parking lot. I was running behind him and he barked, "Let go of the seat! I can do it!" I let go and he went across town and got us lunch. It's been a magical morning.

Tee hee

I can't imagine the kind of excitement and happiness I will feel when (not if, damn it!) my daughter accomplishes things if I got this elated for the dog. "You're crawling! Good girl!" Head rub. "You're holding the sippy cup all by yourself! Good girl!" Belly scratch. Who said dogs can't be a prelude to children?

If no one has, this picture leaves me thinking someone needs to say it.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 5 (Elimination)

2010-05-06T10:40:00.004-04:00

And then there were 2.

Wait, I got ahead of myself. Big Mike and Casey are still around. I advanced the show to its logical conclusion before the producers got to do it. Think I'm being silly, though? How much were Big Mike and Aaron involved in the Ford commercial or the medleys? Not much. The judges are so pro-Lee that they haven't commented on his pitch problems since pre-Top 12. I've read many American Idol blogs talking about his pitch problems. I don't claim to know about singing in tune. However, I did hear a bad note or two when I rewatched this week's show. Still, they want him in the finals and Crystal too. No amount of love for Big Mike is going to change that or shots of Casey's butt for that matter.

There was no Bottom 3 this week.

Bottom 2:

Big Mike - The voting public must love pork because that's the only way to explain how this ham has made it this far. He will have another week of Randy praising him and America not voting for him. It really bothers me how much joy his wife shows in his survival while someone else's dream is shattered. I swear significant others in the past have shown much more subtlety in their celebrations of earning another week. Though, I wouldn't expect Big Mike to marry someone who is subtle. That's like a bear marrying an unsubtle bear.

Aaron Kelly - I never liked him but he's in the right place for Idol losers - country. If you don't win Idol, it is best to go country. This isn't a knock on the type of music but former Idol contestants have found solid careers in country music.

Kelly Pickler - She has won actual awards!?!?
Josh Gracin - He was the marine.
Bucky Covington - He was not very good but he's apparently good now!
Phil Stacey - Bet you never thought you'd see his lemur-like face again.
Kristy Lee Cook - She's got some looks to her...
Danny Gokey - Really??

Final Thoughts: We are a week away from getting to hear Lee and Crystal sing twice. That's something to look forward to. I have no other thoughts other than the fact that I love Lady Gaga. For me, for you, this wasn't her best performance but I'm still a fan. She just entertains. She can sing the phone book or monotone speak the phone book. It doesn't matter. I love when she takes the stage. I wish she would mentor. Maybe next season.

Tor Baby Countdown: 27 Days

2010-05-05T14:56:00.005-04:00

Wow. That's 3 9-day weeks away. I realized something today. If you take away the incessant heartburn, the ever-swelling ankles and feet, the pain under the rib cage, the sleepless nights, the pugilism aimed at the internal organs, the constant bathroom runs, the unhappiness with getting dressed every day in the awful clothes, and the overall discomfort, carrying Boy Jerkface for the cumulative five minutes every day has given me a real sense of what it's like to be pregnant.

With my insensitive powers combined...

We went to the baby doctor today. We are at the point where we will go every Wednesday. (Do you hear that robbers? Our home will be empty every Wednesday but I'm not giving you the time. You have to work a little.) Also, "baby doctor" is not a disrespectful way of putting it. He specialized in baby at med school and holds a BMD. Disrespectful would be laughing and saying, "You have a bowel movement degree."

Before I go to the baby doctor, I make sure I go to the bathroom. Like I force it out. I want to ensure I don't have to use the bathroom at the doctor's office. I am going to explain the scenario I want to avoid when I do all of this stuff. Let's take a glimpse into my stupid, stupid mind.

I go to the bathroom. I finish my business, wash my hands, and exit the bathroom. I say hi and smile at a nurse as I return to the room my wife is in. That nurse goes to find a file somewhere. Another nurse, having checked the contents of my wife's or some other patient's urine sample, goes into the bathroom, lifts the lid, and pours it out into the toilet. She leaves the bathroom. The first nurse goes in shortly after and finds the seat up. That nurse blames it on the guy who she saw leaving the bathroom earlier. I'm the jerk who left the toilet seat up at the OB/GYN.

I didn't do it.

I can't handle that. I could try to explain that I never pee standing up or rarely go in public but that will just exacerbate the problem and prolong the discomfort. That is just a little taste of the anguish I feel when I go to the baby doctor with my wife.

In other news, the baby is doing well.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 5

2010-05-04T20:56:00.008-04:00

Harry Connick, Jr. is a great musician. And a total goofball. I was nervous when I heard that he was arranging the songs for them because I like when the Idols (Lee and Crystal) do their own thing but I think it worked out. Truthfully, I feel like as long as Lee is ok, the mentor did a good job. Also, they still found a way to go over the hour and cut into Glee with only 5 singers. How?!?!

Aaron Kelly - "Fly Me to the Moon" - When his hips wiggle like that, I like to picture him with 12 hula hoops about his waist. It makes the boring performances more entertaining. "Keep going, Aaron! Oh no, one's falling! Wait, the song's over?" Perfect.

Something to shoot for, Aaron. That's 100.

Casey James - "Blue Skies" - The Brookstone massage chair was at the highest setting for this song. Now I know why Casey never holds notes. It's because the world isn't ready for it. Casey needs to find another world where they will accept that kind of singing. And I think he can book a ticket on an exploratory rocket for tomorrow morning.

Crystal Bowersox - "Summer Wind" - I thought it was dull. It sounded pretty but I didn't want to hear it a second time which I have for past Crystal performances. She talks back too much and the stylists dress her horribly. If she was on "What Not to Wear," Stacy and Clinton would throw out her whole Idol wardrobe before they gave her a shopping spree.

"It all starts with a bra that really fits."

Big Mike - "The Way You Look Tonight" - It's never good when he's my other favorite besides Lee. It was good. I'll begrudgingly give it to him. I'm handing over the positive critique with a tight grip as Big Mike tries to take it but I won't let go. "Good job, Big Mike," comes off my tongue just as easily as "Here, you can have my winning Mega Millions ticket," but he deserves it. Damn it.

Lee DeWyze - "That's Life" - Minus a strange arrangement at the end, I loved it. A good performance from Lee is like waking up in the morning. You just know it's going to happen. Lee took the top spot from Crystal tonight after being second all season. Just like Phil will take Tiger's spot this weekend. Great job.

Bottom Three: We will finally have Crystal in the Bottom 3. She'll be fine but I think she belongs here after two so-so weeks. Aaron will be here as usual but he has more of a teenage girl following than Casey does so he'll be safe. That leaves Casey who failed to put consistent weeks together. If he was in trouble after being good last week, then he will easily go home after this crapfest.

Going Home: Casey James

Tor Baby Countdown: 28 Days

2010-05-04T08:48:00.006-04:00

We have just completed our 36th week of pregnancy. I don't know about my wife but these 36 weeks have been a breeze on my end. I bet baby rearing will be the same. Well it's Tuesday and that means "New Fruit Day." Baby Center told us today that our daughter is the size of a crenshaw melon. Little know fact - The crenshaw melon is named after 2-time Masters winner and Hall of Fame golfer, Ben Crenshaw.* Oh if only our daughter will play the gentleman's game as well as he.

Also the shape of baby's head upon world entry.

I'm still amazed by the fact that we are having a baby. I don't scream "father material." I think you can count on one hand the number of people who, upon meeting me, leave thinking, "That guy can impregnate someone." I just don't put off a fertile vibe. I get it. I'm goofy. Also, previous to now, I've never made somebody pregnant. Thus surprise at my current situation is a fair conclusion.

Don't do a search for "fertile vibe."

Making a baby girl has to be in my Top 2382 Things that I've Accomplished list. It's right above accomplishing at least 2383 things so that I can have such a list. I don't know what kind of father I will be. Good would be a welcome assessment when all is said and done. I am 4 weeks away from beginning the process of parenting and I can't wait. Though I will for the baby's medical well-being. See? I'm a good dad already!

Awww, you shouldn't have, unborn daughter.

* Not true.

Tor Baby Countdown: 29 Days

2010-05-03T09:13:00.007-04:00

Oh man, that's less than a month.

Let's get to it. You're wondering how the hospital bag is. You're wondering if it's in the car already. You're wondering about all of the fun my wife and I had packing it. You're wondering whether we packed jammies or a nightie. You're wondering if we packed an extra night's worth of stuff thus guaranteeing a c-section. You're wondering if I'm typing all of this to avoid telling you we didn't pack a bag. Well, you know what I'm wondering? Why do you care if we brought jammies or a nightie? Pervert!

It's the maternity ward not a getaway in the Poconos.

Fine, we didn't pack the hospital bag. We have a pile of things that can go in a bag, though. There's some new toothbrushes, lip balm, hair ties, and a dress. That's enough, right? That's all we need. What's wrong with us? Why aren't we packing this bag?

Google says this is the "bag from hell"

Don't get me wrong. The bag is very practical. I know this. When my wife goes into labor, it will be very hard to scoop all of the stuff in my arms and guide her down the stairs to the car. I've been carrying Boy Jerkface for a couple of weeks but he's just one thing. A bag would be so helpful. Why do I hate bags?

Maybe I can tie a knot in the bottom of my wife's dress and use it as a bag. It could hold a lot of stuff. With the pregnancy, my wife's dresses are currently the equivalent of a 30-gallon trash bag. That's not a shot on her size. She's pregnant. The dresses are bigger. Relax.

They Fall line at Mimi Maternity stores.

Ok, this weekend. I promise.

Tor Baby Countdown: 32 Days

2010-04-30T09:13:00.006-04:00

The baby in my wife's belly moves a lot. The doctor says there is no such thing as too much movement so I assume we're fine. Every night before we go to sleep (10 pm), my wife and I lie in bed and watch the belly. This is what it reminds me of.

There are times where some part of the baby moves from one side of the belly to the other. If Kevin Bacon and the dad from "Family Ties" were there, it would totally be a scene from Tremors. The baby's probably not going to pop through the skin and kill me but I'm not going to get too close for safety's sake. Also, in case the baby is a subterranean carnivore, how do I go about putting a onesie on it?

It would explain why my wife is so uncomfortable.

Sometimes the baby will poke arms and legs out at different points of the belly. It's good to know that she's got that kind of reach. The way the belly bulges looks like a bunch of squirrels fighting in a sack. It's almost cartoonish but it's not. If this was a cartoon, during birth the doctor would surf out of the delivery room when the water broke while the nurses danced 60s beach movie-style. Then a flag would pop out of my wife's area that says "Born!" and we'd laugh.

How did she sneak a gun into my wife's uterus?

There is also a bounce which is a ripple away from making me think a T-Rex is coming. It's a quick pop of the belly. It's violent and it got me in the ear once when I was trying to hear the baby's heartbeat. These are the quick jabs of a future boxer. Mo Cuishle Tor.

I wanted a Million Dollar Baby picture but this one was more ridiculous.

Finally, there's the one I call "the miracle." I use it to describe every movement. Let's get sticky and slide down the side of a tree because it's time to get sappy. It is amazing to watch this person inside my wife let us know she's in there. It is the highlight of my day right above Sporstcenter and writing a good tweet. I look forward to it. Is it 10pm yet?

NJ Candidate for Governor: This is New Jersey

2010-04-29T21:11:00.003-04:00

If Tim James can take a stand on the English language in Alabama, this candidate can take a stand for New Jersey.

Thanks to YouTube User doriansol for the piano.

If you would like to see the video that inspired me, check it out here.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 6 (Eliminations)

2010-04-29T08:08:00.006-04:00

Shania Twain Week ended without a Shania Twain performance but we got two performances with Rascal Flatts. The lead singer of Rascal Flatts is going for the look of "drag queen at his day job."

Tonight! At Boa's! Edie Rascal!

It was a lot of country tonight. After Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood came out to not sing and then introduce a band full of every character Bill Hader plays on SNL. They played for 45 to 107 minutes. My fast forward button asked me to take a break halfway through. Lady Antebellum sang a song, too. I like this song because it allows me to check out other radio stations when it comes on. The final performance was Shakira with Rascal Flatts. That went together like tone-deaf oil and boring water. It was a successful night.

Bottom 3:

Michael Lynche - Big Mike will never go home. He will continue to appear on my television screen pounding his chest and licking his lips long after the season ends. At some point, he will come out of the television like the killer girl in "The Ring" and continually bear hug lift me without my permission. I'm finding a way to come to terms with this. I see no other outcome.

Casey James - Casey was good this week but that's not enough anymore. He didn't build a large enough following with all of his average performances. That's what you need. Crystal was not good this week but she has a following. I think he makes it one more week.

Siobhan Magnus - She has just not been as good or entertaining as she was back in the beginning of the competition. There's only enough room in this competition for one boring person and America prefers Aaron's boredom over hers. It's a shame. I actually prefer her boredom because it had a chance to go away.

Final Thought: This is probably the worst Top 5 in Idol history. If I could never hear Aaron and Big Mike sing again then that means I figured out that I don't have to watch the show. I can watch literally anything else. However, they are still here and I will have to find another way to say how skeevy Mike is or how dull Aaron is. Does America know how hard it is to write about them every week? At least we have Lee and Crystal.

Tor Baby Countdown: 34 Days

2010-04-28T14:46:00.005-04:00

Two weeks ago, Baby Center told us it was time to pack a hospital bag. I wrote about it. My wife and I made plans each of the last two weekends to pack that hospital bag. There is still no hospital bag. What's the hold up?

Reason 1 - What's the point in packing a bag? My wife is going to be in a gown the whole time and the hospital provides slipper socks. I don't need a change of clothes because I want to look haggard and defeated by the time I leave. If I look refreshed, people are going to think I'm vain and care more about my appearance than my wife's well-being. They'll think, "Did he spend the whole time at the spa while his wife suffered in the room?" I can't live with that minute possibility.

"That's great, honey. Keep pushing. I'll be there soon."

Reason 2 - We're not ready to be ready for a baby. Packing that bag shows acceptance of leaving the non-parenthood portion of our lives. (Way more than conception did.) This is the first time you aren't packing a bag to go on a nice vacation. You are going to take care of someone for the rest of you life. How do you pack for decades of worry? 6 handkerchiefs and a Costco size box of Tums? Not ready to process that pack job.

Do you have these in chalkier?

Reason 3 - We have sour candy, clothes, slippers, toiletries, receiving blankets, and other baby stuff. So we have the innards for such a bag. The problem is that we actually don't have the bag. We can't pack what we don't have. That's called logic. Suck it, Baby Center.

Reason 4 - We forgot. I swear I told my wife on Thursday of last week that we were going to pack a bag. Then Tuesday comes around and I never thought about the bag at any point in between. Look, I got a lot of stuff going on. I have to write jokes on Twitter. I have to walk and feed the Siblings Jerkface. I have to watch movies that I've already seen. I don't see how baby fits into any of that. If you want to hire a life organizer for me to squeeze an extra hour into my day, go right ahead.

Ok, I put "hospital bag" in my Google Calendar. Now how do I remember to look at it?

I'm almost positive my wife and I will pack a hospital bag this weekend. We pretty much have to. That baby is going to come bag or not. I asked our doctor. Tune in for the "27 Days" blog and see if we come through on this.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 6

2010-04-27T20:36:00.011-04:00

Shania Twain Week was better than I thought it was going to be. She's so likable. Is she Irish Canadian? Her accent is confusing. She sounded like Brad Pitt in "Snatch" at times. Anyway, I guess if there has to be a "country" week on American Idol, this was the way to do it.

Lee DeWyze - "You're Still The One" - Lee is like a 1994 Ford Taurus. He's reliable. Another solid performance from him and that's all he needs to do on this show. I simply like hearing him sing. More like Lee DeBecauze! Am I right?

Big Mike - "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing" - The stairs have been bad luck this season. Aaron and Siobhan had terrible moments starting on the stairs. Big Mike licks his lips too much. Are they chapped? Also, I think he wears all of the jewelry and accessories to hold him down from floating away on his inflated ego. He must have studied Wanya Morris from Boyz II Men because he does all of his movements. Watch.

The difference is that Wanya Morris earned the right to look like a pompous ass by selling millions and millions and millions of albums.

Casey James - "Don't" - I liked Jealous Guy better but this was good, too. It's nice when he doesn't stand on stage and jam on the electric. We all know he can play a mean ax. (Is that right? Or is it "axe?") When he pushes his voice, he vibrates like he's sitting in a massage chair on high at Brookstone. Casey James - he's gr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-e-a-a-t!

Crystal Bowersox - "No One Needs To Know" - I'm not enjoying this at all. What's happening? Will she be in the Bottom 3? It's possible. She got very defensive when the judges actually criticized her. America doesn't like that and because she has been shining every week, this is the first time we've seen this side of her. Ew, Crystal. Bad form.

Aaron Kelly - "You Got a Way" - Aaron was like a giant drill making a tunnel in the side of a mountain because...wait for it...he was boring! What kind of musical career could he possibly have? The only thing I can think of is he could play Ben Stein's teacher part in a Ferris Bueller musical.

Bueller! Have you seen that student?

Bueller! His attendance would be prudent.

Bueller! Bueller! BUELLERRRR!

(Cue Dancers)

Siobhan Magnus - "Any Man of Mine" - At one point, the mic tried to stop working to put us out of our misery. Actually, I don't know if it was her or the song. At times, it felt like she was singing the "Time Warp." That might have been better. Can Shania Twain go back in time and write that song instead? In fact, that's the perfect nickname for Siobhan - Rocky Horror. Her performances are shaky and frighteningly bad.

Bottom Three: I don't really care how much Randy thought this week was in Aaron's wheelhouse, he's in the Bottom Three. Joining him will be Big Mike because the voters don't even know who Luther Vandross is, let alone want someone who sounds like him. Also, he's icky to look at. For the last spot, it would be fun to see Crystal here because that would guarantee her a spot in the Final but I think it will be Casey over Siobhan. He had a good week but Rocky Horror has a loyal following.

Going Home: Aaron Kelly

Tor Baby Countdown: 35 Days

2010-04-27T09:22:00.009-04:00

It's Tuesday and time for another installment of "What Kind of Produce Is Killing My Wife From the Inside Out?" We are at 35 weeks now and Baby Center says the baby is the size of a honeydew melon. It appears we will be going melon from now on. The honeydew is the green melon. This is the one that is the most left over on any party's fruit plate. For the record, I want our baby.

This week Baby Center featured quotes from mothers about things they didn't expect during the birth. Here are some of my favorites:

"Labor wasn't as bad as it was cracked up to be. I heard so many horror stories, but contractions were very manageable for me. I had a higher pain tolerance level than I thought."

Well lah-di-dah, Miss Fancy Maternity Pants. I wonder if there is something wrong with her nervous system. It could be a bad sign. Maybe she's developing CIPA. That will certainly help her when she's murdered by every other mother in the world for saying this.

"I loved every minute of labor. I only pushed for 20 minutes. It was great and I felt so accomplished. My husband and I have actually bumped up our goal of having three children to five."

Why not make it fifty kids? Why stop the fun at 5 if labor is so great? This quote actually went on but I cut it off before she got to the part about the baby talking to her during the crowning, the unicorn doctor that delivered it, and when the hospital floated up into outer space so she could hold her baby and overlook Saturn's rings at the same time.

"Yes, I pooped on the table...twice!"

You find out about the mom pooping during childbirth early on in the pregnancy. You are ready for it. What makes this interesting is the excitement involved. The exclamation point brings about a sense of pride, even boastfulness. Well, you know what? You did it, New Mom!

Here's your button, ya big pooper!

"My boss was the only one available to help me deliver and she held my legs while I pushed. Awkward! She is so sweet, but there are just some things I don't want my boss to know about me."

Wow. Think about this one when you think childbirth couldn't get any worse. How do you ever stand up to or ask anything from your boss ever again? "I can't stay late tonight." "I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. I was too busy remembering helping your baby come out of you." This gives me nightmares and it's not an actual possible moment in my life.

Only "Boss" allowed in the delivery room?

"After I labored for two hours, our little guy made his grand entrance, weighing 11 pounds, 3 ounces! The doctor estimated he would be around 8 1/2 pounds, so we were all a bit shocked. The doctor said I was his largest natural delivery ever."

We're pretty convinced this will be us. "Gigan" Tor should tip the scales at a shade under 40 pounds. My wife has a belly that looks fake. It is so shiny and round, it could have been done by any makeup department on a Hollywood set. We have five weeks to go and this baby's head starts at my wife's crotch and the feet are by the shoulders. I fear for the future.

I can never thank my wife enough for what she's going through. I can joke and joke about it but I'm amazed and the amazement will only continue to grow. This is too much to ask someone to go through unless you are one of those first two mothers. Then you can ask them to do it hundreds of times.

I will leave you with two more quotes that I can't even comment on because they are too disgusting. It's not for the squeamish. Read on at your own peril. For blog entry purposes, we are officially done here for today.

"The one thing I told my daughter while on the inside is, you better not poop in me, and she did!"

"When my husband went to cut the cord, the cord blood sprayed me in the face! The baby was sliding off my chest and as the doctor grabbed for the baby the cord ended up angled toward my face. After a very quick delivery, it made for a good story."

I warned you.

Tor Baby Countdown: 36 Days

2010-04-26T09:18:00.007-04:00

Last Thursday, my wife and I picked up Boy Jerkface from his ACL surgery. The incision area was pretty gross but he was pushing through on his 3 good legs. The doctor was pleased with the dog because he was already toe-touching. I thought he went in for ACL surgery but I guess he went in for a ballerina implant.

He's a Purina Ballerina!

Dealing with Boy Jerkface over the last few days has been brutal. I somehow became attached to him in the time we've had him. My nights have been filled with restless sleep worrying about him. It makes me wonder how I'm going to handle having a baby.

I've been carrying him up and down the stairs. I've carried him on the latter half of walks so that he doesn't do too much too soon. Carrying a 45-pound dog makes me feel like I'm in a World's Strongest Man competition because the last 20 steps are brutal. I'm waddling, gritting my teeth, hoping to post a good time.

Not bad but my stone likes to wiggle.

The carrying will only help me as a parent. I will be able to lift 2 strollers and a baby carrier at the same time. This will come in handy.

Boy Jerkface also started licking his incision site and the stitches. This is not good for him to do so we decided to buy him a cone. While I was at Petco, I thought about how miserable the cone was going to make him and almost decided not to buy it. My thought process said that I could simply watch him. Constantly. And make sure he never licks it. Yeah, that's a much better option.

I've been telling people that, as a parent, you have to do what's best for the baby even if it's not going to make the baby happy and what am I doing at my first practice chance? Doing whatever it takes to make the baby/dog happy instead of what's best for the baby/dog. So I sucked it up and bought the collar.

The fake dog looks content.

I got the "Comfy Collar" because it was soft and allows the dog to hide in any photography studio. We put the collar on him last night and he went immediately to sleep. This was perfect because dogs sleep soundly throughout the night and never get up to move around.

Thirty minutes later, Boy Jerkface got up and freaked out. He pushed the collar against every surface in the bedroom. It sounded like two people wrestling in windbreakers. I sat there watching him, telling myself to take the collar off of him. My wife was sound asleep. She was not going to help. Then I realized that this was my parenting test. This was the baby crying in the other room because she doesn't want to sleep. The collar is what's right for the dog. A few minutes later, Boy Jerkface laid back down in the bathroom and went to sleep. I did it. I made it.

At about 2 in the morning, the freak-out happened again. Incessant sounds of vinyl sliding coming from all points of the bedroom. Were there six of him? This time my wife woke up. What did she do? She took the collar off and let us all sleep. Licking is the lesser evil when compared to running around the room and slamming his body into things.

In the end, dogs and babies aren't the same no matter how much you try to make them.

The way you handle a dog is not a good barometer for how you will be with a child. And I will keep telling myself that.

Tor Baby Countdown: 39 Days

2010-04-23T08:33:00.007-04:00

I find myself wondering what the baby is going to be like. What will she get from her mother? What will she get from me? This isn't Gattaca. We can't pick and choose these traits and features. However, that doesn't mean I can't hope for the following to become true.

My Eyes - If there is one thing I like about myself, it's my eyes. They change color. They work perfectly. My wife's contacts are so thick, I'm surprised she can close her lids around them.

Her Nose - My nose doesn't work correctly. Sometimes I stop breathing at night and my wife lays there concerned until I gasp back to normal respiration. My septum had all of the promise in the world but strayed from its intended path and can now only serve as a warning to other septa. My wife could Krazy Glue corks into her nostrils and win this category.

In case you needed a visual.

My Equilibrium - My wife needs to take breaks along the way from sitting on the couch to standing. It's like she's on the last fifth of an Everest ascent.

Her Brain (Mostly) - I've always said that my wife is 8 times smarter than me. She is so accomplished. Our daughter will be so bored in school if she has my wife's brain. And that's what any parent wants.

My Sense of Direction - My wife gets lost in our town. She gets confused as to which way we came from upon leaving a store at the mall. I don't want our daughter to get scared if she finds herself in a different corner of her crib.

My Jumble Skills - I have an uncanny knack for rearranging a random set of letters into words. It pays huge dividends in Scrabble and various online games. I'm hoping this for my daughter so we can have epic Scrabble games and not ones where I just beat her into embarrassment.

Great job on "go," Sweetheart. Now I will put "requiems."

Her Genuine Laugh - I don't mean to imply that she has a fake laugh but there is something about genuinely getting to her that is infectious. I love when I do and hope that I can find it in our daughter. Though I hope it's not exactly the same because that would be weird.

Her Sensitivity - I cry too much.

My Ability to Throw and Catch - She wouldn't have been drafted last night. I would have.

See?

Her Confrontational Skills - I run screaming from the slightest amount of unrest.

Her Body - Mine would look wrong on a daughter.

Our Love - Our daughter's already got that.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 7 (Eliminations)

2010-04-22T14:10:00.008-04:00

Idol Gives Back would be more successful if they could find a way, in addition to the charity, to give us the time we lost in our lives due to the following performances:

Everything sung by Jermaine Sellers, John Park, and Haeley Vaughn
Lacey Brown's "Landslide" and "Ruby Tuesday"
Paige Miles' "Smile"
Andrew Garcia's "Gimme Shelter" and "Heard It Through The Grapevine"
Tim Urban's "Apologize," "Sweet Love," and "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
Siobhan Magnus' "Through the Fire"
Most of Aaron, Katie, and Big Mike

Highlights of the show were Carrie Underwood, Elton John, and Mary J. Blige. Lowlights were the Black Eyed Peas, Alicia Keys, and George Lopez.

Bottom Three:

Aaron Kelly - He's fearless but he's also naive. He's American Idol's equivalent of Wile E. Coyote. He can strap all of the rockets he wants to his back and shoes but he's never going to catch the Road Runner (Season 9 crown).

Don't look for it here, Aaron

Casey James - The dreamy-haired Adonis found the Bottom 3 for the first time. I hope he liked the taste of it because this is where he will stay until he leaves in 2 weeks. Some would suggest that a haircut would be a welcome change but rumors are that the hair is his source of mediocrity. Best to leave it. Why mess with an average thing?

Tim Urban - I will give Tim credit for making it this far. I think he will have a solid CW career going forward and I appreciate how much he lived in the moment and cherished all that Idol allowed him to do. Best of luck to him.

Hallelujah

Final Thoughts: There is no one right now even coming close to the greatness of Lee and Crystal. It will be a real shame if that isn't the Final. Frankly, I won't watch. Can America deal with that kind of boycott because there won't be any hilarious recaps? I vow it. Think about it, Nation. (I've been watching some Colbert lately.)

American Idol Season 9 - Top 7

2010-04-20T20:02:00.005-04:00

Alicia Keys was the mentor for Inspirational Songs Week. Over the years, she's inspired countless horrible versions of her "Falling" in American Idol auditions. She mentored like she was assigned to monitor detention. There was no effort at all. This led to a down week on Idol after two strong ones. Fortunately, we made it through the show without "Wind Beneath My Wings" but we weren't lucky enough to avoid "I Believe I Can Fly." Thankfully, it wasn't Big Mike. He doesn't need to associate himself with R. Kelly to scare 12-year-old girls. He does that already. All this week did was further the gap between Crystal/Lee and the rest.

Casey James - "Don't Stop" - This song was like a person who only went halfway into the crosswalk and stopped because it was so middle of the road. The usual Casey. He's never bad. He's just never great with the exception of "Jealous Guy" two weeks ago. He's also getting faux-tan enough to be on "Jersey Shore."

Lee DeWyze - "The Boxer" - This is what I was talking about last week. Going back and forth between the nice softer voice and the harsher screaming voice. It was really well done. If the final isn't Lee and Crystal, America will be watching the cruise ship leave from the dock while holding their bags. Do you know why? BECAUSE THEY MISSED THE BOAT!!

Tim Urban - "Better Days" - The votes are in and the population of Stinkville just elected their mayor. Wow, that was terrible. I was actually yearning to hear the Goo Goo Dolls version. He made the Goo Goo Dolls sound rugged and tough. What's next? Brainy Smurf joining the Crips? No! Bad Tim! Bad!

Aaron Kelly - "I Believe I Can Fly" - The end was decent and might have saved him. Can he stop his hips from moving back and forth? They are like the pendulum in a grandfather clock that you have to take back to the store because an hour goes by in 48 seconds. Slow the hips. It can't be good for your internal organs.

Siobhan Magnus - "When You Believe" - She sings like someone from England or Australia with the extreme enunciation she puts into each word. It was very stiff and this song was too much for her. The butterflies actually tried to put themselves back into their fabric cocoons. She's lucky this is a weak season.

Big Mike - "Hero" - The mouth lick will haunt my dreams forever. That was so awful. This never had a chance to be good. My least favorite contestant singing a song by my least favorite singer (Nickelback). I hope people were inspired to not vote for him. Enjoy the lick below.

Crystal Bowersox - "People Get Ready" - Best of the night. I have nothing to add. No jokes. She's awesome.

Bottom Three: I think Siobhan is safe. If she's here, I'm overestimating her fan base. This will be a guys' Bottom Three. Tim Urban was really bad this week. Big Mike was also horrific. And Aaron Kelly was not good enough to avoid this distinction. Tim's squealing girl following will be enough. Aaron sang well enough to make it. Big Mike is just not a likable human being. Watch the tongue lick again if you want help coming to that conclusion.

Going Home: Big Mike

Tor Baby Countdown: 42 Days

2010-04-20T08:36:00.005-04:00

It's Tuesday and Baby Center has given us a new fruit. The baby is a cantaloupe this week. Last week, the baby was a pineapple. It's odd that the baby would shrink from one week to the next but who am I to question nature? Maybe babies are like balloons and Week 33 is the week the mother's body takes a break from "inflation" so the baby shrinks. It makes sense. Can I patent the Tor Balloon Baby Theory?

At the childbirth class, they showed us two videos. The first one was the one I talked about yesterday with the coconut imagery. It featured a handful of women going through natural childbirth. The second video was women who elected to have an epidural. The difference between the women in each video was like night and a day that starts with breakfast in bed followed by winning the lottery, having a monument named after you, the elimination of things you can't stand from the world, dinner cooking itself, and Lost having a satisfying ending.

I don't know why a woman would want to go through natural childbirth. A quick Google search says the following:

"Natural childbirth helps you find a strength you never knew you had."

So does losing all of your loved ones in a cruise ship disaster that you couldn't go on because you had a work deadline but it's not something you want to experience. It's not good to know your own strength. Finding out your own strength is always preceded by someone getting their arm broken or a hole appearing in a wall. "Guess she didn't know her own strength."

"Natural childbirth lets you experience labor as nature intended."

Nature also intends for us to walk around naked and to learn things, not with computers, but by asking other people all while lions and bears try to eat you. Do you want to gather information from people with no clothes on while eluding dangerous predators? Because that's what nature wants. It wants to watch that over and over as payback for the Discovery Channel.

Bears like Al Gore.

"Natural childbirth increases your confidence."

So does winning a duel at 10 paces with muskets but I don't recommend trying. I feel like creating a baby and holding it in your arms is enough of an ego boost without the excruciating pain. I might be wrong.

I don't want to sound like a drug dealer but what's wrong with feeling good? You deserve it. You've been having restless nights for months. Your body is being stretched in ways it shouldn't leaving marks as proof. Your organs are being used for baby stress relief. There's no need to scream your way to the conclusion. You've been through enough. Just take a hit. In your spine.

Tor Baby Countdown: 43 Days

2010-04-19T09:07:00.008-04:00

My wife and I went to childbirth class on Saturday. The rest of this blog entry is not for the faint of heart. This is a warning. For the people who run the childbirth class, a warning is a set of words that caution people from what they are about to experience. Look into it!

The class is run by a doula. A doula is like a witch doctor or a gypsy. Their job is to cast a spell over the pregnant woman, making the woman feel like she needs the doula to have the baby. The partner becomes unnecessary and the woman and doula enjoy the birth together. They are evil and their day will come.

Either a doula, the Sun Maid Raisin girl, or both.

Frankly, I don't know why there is this much effort put forth in teaching people how to deliver a baby. Animals push babies out every day. They don't have breathing exercises or doctors. We are a weak species. Can't we just set the hospital up to look like a prom? We can have a theme. There can be robes made of organza and tulle. They already call them gowns. Doctors and nurses chaperone. Then the mothers can sneak off to the bathroom when ready.

The prom theme is TLC's "Baby Baby Baby"

I had a problem with the class. I don't know if I've made that apparent. They showed us a video of childbirth. A couple of months ago, a Bollywood director said he would pay anyone who could sit through his horror film $10,000. I don't know if it could be more gruesome than this film. Halfway through this video, I turned to my wife and said, "Is it too late to turn back?"

I will spare you the details but there was one scene where the mother was in the middle of pushing the baby out. The baby was crowning which looks like a coconut trying to come out of a balloon. To keep the analogy going, the doctor asked the mother if she wanted to touch the coconut! I thought, "No, she's not going to touch the coconut. That wouldn't be right." SHE REACHED DOWN MID-LABOR AND TOUCHED THE COCONUT! WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?!?!

You can't unsee this! You can't!

I fear what's going to happen now. I think the class was supposed to make me feel better. To put me at ease. It did not. I'm more rattled, more worried for my wife than ever. Sometimes it's ok to stay in the dark. There's nothing wrong with not knowing. Ignorance isn't a punishment. It's bliss. I miss bliss.

I also miss Miss Bliss.

Tor Baby Countdown: 46 Days

2010-04-16T09:38:00.006-04:00

Tomorrow, my wife and I are attending childbirth class. I hesitated signing up for this because I felt like everything I needed to know was taught to me by Zack Morris when he delivered Mr. Belding's baby in the school elevator. If Zack Morris can deliver a baby and keep Tori calm in the aftermath of an earthquake, how hard can it be? Then again, he got 1502 on his SATs.

I'm guessing we will learn the basic breathing techniques. Your traditional hoo hoo hees. One problem: My wife gets dizzy very easily so I'm concerned. I'm going to have to sit next to her with smelling salts throughout the birth. Nothing but the doctor saying "And pus- Is she out again?!?" and me bringing her back.

I hope they teach the non-birthing attendees how to avoid getting their hands crushed. Scientists have found that a pregnant woman's grip has the same force of an adult African elephant's step in a stampede. Adding in the heat that a pregnant woman generates, she could turn coal into a diamond. (This is still in the trial phase. Pregnant women don't like to hold dirty things while giving birth.)

This is an elephant sitting, not a pregnant woman.

Maybe the hospital provides a fake hand made out of the same material they make sex toys out of. They make them very realistic these days. My wife can squeeze one of those instead and I won't need X-rays. The birth is going to cost enough.

Never would have thought this would be in my baby blog.

We actually aren't interested in learning about the delivery. My wife and I agree that the baby will come out and the doctor will tell us what to do to make that happen. It's like landing a plane. It works out no matter what.

We signed up for these classes for two things - to see the maternity ward and kind of get our bearings and to get some quick tips on handling a newborn. It's important to not bring the baby into the world in a place the parents have never seen. Babies can sense discomfort. As for the tips, I don't really remember everything from home ec class when we carried an egg around for a week.

The new home ec eggs are crazy.

It's an all-day affair so I might live tweet it if they let me have my phone. If you want to tune in, follow me.

Tor Baby Countdown: 47 Days

2010-04-15T11:30:00.006-04:00

I read somewhere that a baby goes through 400 diapers in the first month and then it goes down from there. You see Huggies couldn't keep up so they made a pact with the babies to slow down. Diaper assembly line worker is not the exciting profession it once was and today's college students think the field is obsolete. Hence, not enough diapers for babies so if babies want the comfort of a wearable waste catcher, they will do their part.

The first diapers were square and made of aluminum as seen here.

While I'm not excited at the prospect of dealing with baby excrement, my wife was nice enough to get dogs a couple of years ago for training. I have no problem picking up after the dogs anymore and I assume it will be the same for the baby. Gross at first but it will just become part of the deal eventually.

Here's the crazy part - the first few bowel movements of a baby are foul in appearance but not in smell. It is called meconium and it is a black tarlike ooze that can only come from the depths of hell. It is not unlike the goo that made Spider-man evil.

It's newborn poo, Peter Parker!

You wonder how something so primordial could come out of something so precious. Is this why we should baptize the child? To get rid of any traces of antichrist? Should I check the scalp for triple sixes? What if there's just one six? That can't be right either.

Is there a way to avoid it? I know all babies produce it but I don't want my daughter to. Maybe the doctor could take it out real fast before they hand her for the first time to my wife. Like they do with the stuff in her nose. Just wring her out like a towel. I'll sign a form saying it's cool.

In the meantime, my contingency plan is this. I know a guy.

There's meconium in that barrel.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9 (Again - Double Elimination)

2010-04-15T08:23:00.003-04:00

We made it through Elvis Week without anyone performing "Jailhouse Rock" or "Love Me Tender." I wish the same could be said about "Viva Las Vegas." That got the Idol lip-sync medley which was the equivalent of stuffing Elvis full of gravy, sticking him on the toilet, and force-feeding him pills. Fortunately for the Idols' prison records, that already happened a long time ago.

Ryan was better behaved tonight. Must have taken a contaminated bottle of 5-Hour Energy yesterday. Brooke White sang Elvis songs with either Miley Cyrus' ex or the guy who betrays the colonial army in every early-America movie. Not sure. And Adam Lambert gave my favorite performance of his on American Idol. He should have done that song last year. It was really good.

Going Home:

Andrew Garcia - To use my own version of a Simonism, he went from hero ("Straight Up") to zero ("Gimme Shelter") to "should we cheer-o?" ("Forever") to "the end is here-o" ("Hound Dog"). It's a shame because I truly feel he has it. He just got swallowed up by the competition. Check out "Straight Up" once more to realize what could have been.

Katie Stevens - I was never a fan of Katie. I didn't like her performances. She always picked these sassy, attitude-needing songs and she's just a sweet girl. If her personality is that of a happy girl, she should embrace that in her song choices. Why does she fight who she is? What does she have against being happy? There are children in Austria who are dying to be happy if their culture would just allow it.

Final Thoughts: I can't wait for Big Mike to sing an inspirational song next week! Since he sings the words of "Teddy Bear" like each one can give a T-cell back to an AIDS patient, I want to know what he would do with "Wind Beneath My Wings." Next week will be a disaster. Even Lee and Crystal can't save us. Best case - Aaron goes home.

Tor Baby Countdown: 48 Days

2010-04-14T10:43:00.005-04:00

This is going to be a blog entry that's been done to death for expecting parents but hopefully I'll be able to put my own spin on it. Some of that Tor differentness that separates me from the successful people. So let's see "How to deal with your baby coming and a dog that just tore his ACL."

Our dog (Boy Jerkface) tore his ACL over a week ago. The recovery for this injury is about 8 weeks. No need to get your calculators out, the baby will come before then. This is just poor timing by the dog. He did this to get attention, worried that the new member of the family is going to occupy all of our time. So he snaps his ACL. Selfish.

When I tell people this, they ask me if he was playing basketball and that makes me laugh. He's quite overweight. He would be picked last in any gym class in America.

His jersey number is K9. Hilarious.

There is a lot of work ahead of my wife and I on this. Lots of carrying to minimize walking and stair climbing. Pain medication. Keeping him from biting his stitches. Easing him back to normal. And, at any point, our daughter may fall out of my wife. However, like always, I will look on the bright side and show how this can be a blessing.

Boy Jerkface weighs 44 pounds. If my wife is lucky, that will be no less than 5 times the amount our daughter will weigh. Carrying the dog up and down the stairs and for the last third of every walk will prepare me for holding my daughter in the long run. It's training! Thanks dog!

Maybe I have nothing to complain about.

Also, the dog can't jump into the crib in the middle of the night and take the baby far away. We'd be able to catch the gimpy babynapper no problem!

The dog will have to wear the protective cone collar. We can decorate the collar to look like petals around the dog's face. Then the dog won't clash with the nursery. Arts and crafts fun!

We can have a race to see who walks first. If our daughter wins, she'll be studied by doctors and scientists for years to come!

The surgery is next week and the baby is due about 5 weeks later. This is going to be close. I've faxed the agenda to my wife's womb but I haven't heard back. Fingers crossed.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9 (Again)

2010-04-14T08:25:00.000-04:00

I knew a night with Adam Lambert would be crazy but it had nothing to do with him. He gave great advice and led us to the best Idol night so far. Sorry Usher. It was Elvis week and the judges didn't care much about making things current. Everything sounded old and that's fine if the judges don't care. Ryan took a dig at Brian Dunkleman 9 years later. I hope it didn't take him that long to come up with it. My favorite part was how Ryan's mom didn't disagree with Ryan when he said she was probably disappointed to have him as her son. Well played, Mrs. Seacrest. Oh yeah and Ellen liked everything. She didn't dislike one single performance. That's old-school Paula judging right there.

Crystal Bowersox - "Saved" - I didn't know the song and that was probably fine. Crystal does well each week but I'd like to see her do a slow song and belt it out next week. Simon loved it, of course. Simon is like a helicopter parent for Crystal. It's ok to point out mistakes. Crystal will love you more for it.

Andrew Garcia - "Hound Dog" - This was the kind of singing that makes him go home. He's not a big voice singer and that arrangement needs a bigger voice. Andrew needs to take every song he wants to sing, treat it like it's going to have a physical at the doctor, and strip it down.

Tim Urban - "Can't Help Falling in Love" - This performance felt like it should have been in one of the Shrek movies. Tim could provide the voice for an ostrich (fits the look on his face) that used to be a prince and needs Fiona to kiss him. He grew out his nails like an 80s secretary to do some pick work. It was very good.

"That ogre takes you for granted. I run 30 mph."

Lee DeWyze - "A Little Less Conversation" - I feel the need to be more critical of Lee because he's my favorite and I never say anything bad about him. I liked it, sure, but I'd like him to shout less. It's better when he goes from regular rasp to big rasp. That's what works for Harvey Fierstein.

Aaron Kelly - "Blue Suede Shoes" - What's Japanese for "Empty Orchestra?" The song isn't believable coming out of him. I don't think there's a single human being that Aaron would be able to keep off his blue suede shoes - fat guy moving in slow motion, toddler with no arms, paraplegic in front of a gust of wind. It didn't work.

Siobhan Magnus - "Suspicious Minds" - Her hair looks like her version of the hair bike helmet from Flight of the Conchords. She sings like she's asking people if she has food in her teeth. It was better than she's been. I won't say she's back in the competition but she was worth watching which is important.

Just needs the Siobhan streak on the side.

Big Mike - "In the Ghetto" - It was very good. I reluctantly will give it to him. He occupied his arms and legs. Always key. It got a little dreary by the end so, thankfully, I don't have to overpraise it. Man, it sucks. It's like giving props to Dick Cheney...for singing well. I'm glad he didn't do "Love Me Tender." That would have been a cheesefest worthy of Wisconsin.

Katie Stevens - "Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do?" - She has to learn that attitude is not just sliding your head from side to side. I counted 65 head to the lefts and 64 head to the rights. That's good pseudo-attitude balance. I don't know what she has to do to make me like her. Going home might be a good start.

Casey James - "Lawdy, Miss Clawdy" - No one has ever gotten a good set of remarks from the judges from that performing position. Kris Allen's worst week was right there with "All She Wants To Do Is Dance." This was one of those Casey middle-of-the-road ones. It was fine but there was nothing spectacular. He had momentum like the bus in Speed heading towards the gap in the bridge only he stopped pushing the gas pedal and he didn't make it across.

Bottom Three: I went crazy with my guesses last week and only got one right (Aaron Kelly). That one is going to stay right here with his terrible performance this week. I believe Andrew Garcia will join him. I want the last spot to go to Big Mike but he'll be safe this week. Damn it. That leaves Katie Stevens or Casey James but I'll stick with Katie.

Going Home: Aaron Kelly and Andrew Garcia

Tor Baby Countdown: 49 Days

2010-04-13T08:57:00.007-04:00

Finally, Baby Center and I can get on the same page with the fruit/baby size comparison. We are at 33 weeks and the baby is the size of a pineapple and based on the discomfort level of my wife, just as pointy. A pineapple is a good metaphor for what I'd like our daughter to be - sweet, thick-skinned (to deal with all of the teasing she will get about her father), yellow (jaundice?). Let's move on.

We are officially at the point where we should have a packed bag for the hospital. The baby can really come anytime now. It's like a complicated bomb with lots of wires, tubes, and strange liquids only no one put a clock on it. Did I just compare my baby to a bomb? Yes I did but you got all judgmental before I explained that the bomb would explode shards of happiness and love shrapnel everywhere. Feel bad?

This is what you get when you type "love shrapnel" into Google. Nice!

The list of suggested things to bring by Baby Center is broken up into 4 parts - For the mom during labor, For the partner during labor, Postpartum, and For the baby.

For the mom during labor - They recommend bringing all the necessary paperwork (driver's license, insurance cards, hospital forms). I'm glad this is her job because I hate having to remember things in a rush. Someone has to be the calm one. You should bring a bathrobe and slippers. Eyeglasses if you need them. Toiletries. Under toiletries is "makeup." They recommend makeup. Is this important?

"Am I presentable enough for my baby?"

Can a husband be that much of a tyrant? Why not a full oven so she can whip up her partner a nice lasagna to sustain him through labor? They also recommend something pleasant to focus on like a picture. My plan is to hold a wooden frame around my head and make "I love you" faces.

For the partner during labor - A camera or camcorder to capture the memories. Not necessary. I plan on putting an artist's rendering of hell in the scrapbook and have horrific screams occur whenever you open to that page. Toiletries. Snacks to taunt the woman in the bed who can't eat anything but ice chips. Something to read. (It doesn't say but probably noise-canceling headphones because she will be pretty audible.) And my favorite, a bathing suit. Sometimes during labor, a woman will want to get in the shower to help her calm down. The bathing suit is recommended so you can join her and help her. I don't find this weird. I was actually wearing a bathing suit when we conceived.

Postpartum - A fresh nightgown because your baby should be the only one sitting in filth. Any leftover snacks you may have from during labor can be given to the mom. So that raisin you didn't want or the cold fries at the bottom of the bag are her property now. A book on newborn care. It's never too late to cram, I say. Why learn in 9 months what you can skim in 10 minutes? And finally, a going home outfit which, if you are wearing makeup to labor, has to be eye-popping hotness. I'm thinking this.

It gives your belly room to breathe. It kinda hurts the eyes so people won't stare too long. And it's tasteful.

For the baby - Receiving blankets. We've got 80 of them. Check. A car seat which I will install as soon as I find some motivation. And a going home outfit. I'd get the same thing as the one above but I don't want to over-pink her. Baby girls get too much pink stuff and I want her to feel like it's ok to wear any color slutty outfit.

I think we should just stuff some baby clothes, some lady clothes, a big bag of M&Ms, a toothbrush, and a portable DVD player with "Armageddon" into a bag. I can take pictures or look up newborn instructions on my Blackberry. We're all good.

Tor Baby Countdown: 50 Days

2010-04-12T10:07:00.008-04:00

I'm not sure I fit the image of a dad. Look at that guy. That guy's a dad. I don't wear sweaters like that and, if I did, I certainly wouldn't fill them out as well. I mean, that's what my wife looks like and that's what our daughter will look like but I have a poop-ton of work to do to get to that. He sets the dad standard.

I lack the balance necessary to be a dad. Dads pick their kids up and put them on their shoulders. My body's already like a Jenga tower with most of the pieces missing. Placing a toddler on top of that can only lead to disaster.

Now put a wooden child on top.

One of my problems is that my wrists are so small. In utero, my daughter already has wrists close in size to mine. I don't wear watches because the only ones that will fit me would have to be bought at Justice. While it would be cute to have matching Father/Daughter pink sparkle watches, I'm not into it.

Dads wear Dockers or Brooks Brothers. I wear t-shirts with funny sayings and pictures on them.

Dads always have a tool belt on so they can fix things. The greeter at Home Depot asks me, "Are you sure?" when I enter.

Dads drink beer. I prefer beverages that end in "fizz."

"I didn't know it was time for the Giants game already."

Dads protect their daughters from unworthy suitors. I would spend most of the pre-date hoping they like me and find me funny.

Dads are expected to kill spiders and other bugs. I tell exterminators that I have their back and then run screaming out of the house and hole up in the nearest TCBY.

In conclusion, I'm not ready.

Tiger Woods Ad - Doggy Style

2010-04-10T11:50:00.003-04:00

Just fooling around with my new Flip camera. Tiger Woods messed up and this is probably what people see when they look at him. I do think my dog is more adorable. Good staring, Penny.

Tor Baby Countdown: 54 Days

2010-04-08T12:57:00.005-04:00

The "Time Out" is something that did not exist when I was a child. Truthfully, I wouldn't have known about it if it did. My parents raised me to never do anything wrong. If there is a law or a rule, I can't bring myself to go against it. I'm pretty sure they used the Clockwork Orange eye holders and episodes of Sesame Street lined with subliminal messages.

Today's episode is brought to you by the letter "Kevin gets sick if he fails."

The "Time Out" is a predetermined amount of time that a child has to go to a spot in the house and do nothing but think about what he did wrong. It is a time for the child to meditate, to contemplate the mistakes, and based on what I have overseen at other parents' houses, to whine and scream until the parent lets them leave.

The problem is that parents, on average, are not stern enough. The "Time Out" has to be an understanding between the child and the parents. I plan on having my wife draw up a contract for our daughter to sign via hand stamp. (We did the same thing with our dogs when we got them.) If the parents don't stick to it, the child won't either.

Another problem is stores selling things like this:

Time Out should be a scary place. It is not a place for imagination to trigger a dream world of adventure. There shouldn't be painted animals welcoming you. It should be Toddler Hell. It should have walls that converge on the child. There should be a confessional like on a reality show where he can apologize. There should a chair made out of fresh cut onions so he cries whether he wants to or not. You have to train those tear ducts.

Our daughter will understand Time Out and respect it. Hopefully, she will inherit her inability to do wrong from me. Her mother is too much of a rebel.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9 (Eliminations)

2010-04-08T08:51:00.002-04:00

I went into last night thinking that this was the week for shakeups on Idol. Time for a shocker. That's why I went with Siobhan in the Bottom 3. However, Big Mike was my alternate choice for Siobhan's spot. I took a crazy shot for the Bottom 3 and got it fairly wrong. But not as wrong as Rihanna who was a train wreck. Is she actually singing? I don't mean lip-synching. I mean is she singing as opposed to pushing sound out of her throat like a goose? Are those notes? The jury is out.

Bottom 3:

Aaron Kelly - It's nice to see him here. Just because you are on TV and not ugly doesn't make you are heartthrob. This was the only one I got right and I predict he will be back here after another subpar Rascal Flatts-esque version of a dull ballad next week. Can't wait!

Andrew Garcia - He had a better run avoiding the Bottom 3 than he should have. They should put a training collar on him and every time he attempts to sing a song without an acoustic guitar or with an added band, ZAAPPP! Simple. This show is so produced, they can't make this happen?

Big Mike - This was a shocker. Was I rooting for it? Of course I was. His "singing for his life" moment was so over the top. All of the uber-dramatic gestures he didn't get to use last week were added to this week's resulting in what could only come out of a steroid-ridden soap opera star at karaoke. This performance made him go from too confident to too cocky. After the song was over, he pounded his chest like he was about to swing through the trees with Simon as his Jane or attack a ram near a cliff on a special episode on Animal Planet. He is off-putting and I expect America to vote him off again next week telling the judges, "No, no, we meant to vote that way."

Final Thought: The Judges' Save was used way too early this season. What do we do if Crystal gets voted off in the next 5 weeks?What was with the judges hugging each other after they chose to save Big Mike? "We did it guys! We saved the guy who gave the 'Suck it' gesture to America after he learned the results!" (I saw the forearm cross, Big Mike.) The Save should be used on someone who they believe can win American Idol. Big Mike will not. Next week's mentor is Adam Lambert. I can't wait for him to work with Siobhan. I expect the rehearsal room to explode from too much artistry.

Tor Baby Countdown: 55 Days

2010-04-07T14:20:00.005-04:00

When I mention to people who are parents that my wife is having trouble sleeping because of baby discomfort, they say some version of "Tell her to get used to it." (Because sleep is going to be hard to come by when the baby arrives.) Hey Oooooooohhhhhh! Stop dispensing obvious advice. We don't need the hackneyed responses.

It is hard for my wife to sleep these days. She has a living thing pushing around inside of her trying to make room. Her latest pain is located at the base of her rib cage. The doctor today told her that it was the baby trying to force the rib cage to flare out at the bottom. The baby needs more room and, at this stage in her development, she doesn't understand that bone should not be moved. Fortunately, she doesn't possess the power to break bone. Unfortunately for my wife, she's not going to stop trying.

Don't tell my wife but I like this trait in our daughter. She's like Sean Connery in "The Rock." Ain't no prison gonna hold her! She's going to help Nicolas Cage navigate my wife's uterus before Ed Harris performs a C-Section.

"Seriously, that's the stomach up there?"

This means I'm going to have to reconfigure the crib. There can't be bars or a lack of roof. She needs to be confined but still feel her parents' love. Maybe something like they put Hannibal Lecter in. Plexiglass with some air holes. There can be a drawer to hand stuffed animals or my wife's breast through. Anything she's going to need for consolation while she sleeps.

Is my daughter going to be a felon? Probably not. We are going to do our best to raise her right. The upside is that if she is going to be sentenced to prison, it's nice to know that we can expect her home sooner than the state would like.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9

2010-04-07T08:21:00.000-04:00

It was Lennon/McCartney week and the magic word of the night was "blossom." It's like the contestants were little girls and it was time for them to become women. There was no guest mentor this week but the night was good again. Casey James might have won the night?!?! There were a couple of bad ones but overall, it was an enjoyable night. Contestants grew boobs is what I'm saying.

Aaron Kelly - "The Long and Winding Road" - Oooo another ballad. I don't know if this was as boring as he's been in the past. That's something he's going to have to work on in the coming weeks. Getting back to that pinnacle of boredom that he reached weeks ago with that other forgettable ballad. Gonna be hard.

Katie Stevens - "Let It Be" - They did a whole intro package pointing out how fun the other contestants think she is so I don't understand why she picks songs like this. It was pretty but I thought it was still dreary. If she is so fun, why does she sing like the equivalent of a bottle of Ambien?

Andrew Garcia - "Can't Buy Me Love" - Brian Setzer would have loved this if he were still alive. He is? I'm surprised he let Andrew borrow the Stray Cats then. It just wasn't Andrew. The band overpowered him. Andrew needs to keep it simple like last week with just an acoustic.

Big Mike - "Eleanor Rigby" - David Cook killed this song two seasons ago. It was a poor version of David Cook's take on it and the judges refused to acknowledge that. When it started, I thought he was going to R&B it up and that might have worked. Simon thought it was too Broadway and Randy defended it by saying it could have been on Glee. Who would Big Mike play on Glee? The truant officer from Hell?

Crystal Bowersox - "Come Together" - That may have been the best version done on Idol (over Kris Allen and Carly Smithson). My favorite part was when she sneezed after the song ended. She sang that whole song holding in a sneeze. She's fantastic. Enough said.

Tim Urban - "All My Lovin'" - It's the Across the Universe version. It was smart of Tim to sing a song that the judges can't get mad at him for smiling through. He might actually be safe. Randy, the only one to not like it, said he had to judge Tim in his own category against other Tim Urban performances. This is funny because I judge Randy's judging against previous Randy judging. Boo Randy! Boo!

Casey James - "Jealous Guy" - He dressed in his Bee Gees best. It shouldn't be about his guitar playing. I feel like the camerawork focuses on his guitar prowess over his singing ability. That's unfortunate because tonight he sang really really well. Casey finally stepped it up.

Siobhan Magnus - "Across The Universe" - She sang this like she was in a movie and she was too nervous to sing in front of people. Then she opened up a little at the end so the people in her class could go "WOW, that girl could sing!" Well, Siobhan, if you want fame, fame costs and tonight is where you start paying...with sweat. Oh, it's not a movie? Then it was dull.

Lee DeWyze - "Hey Jude" - Sure the bagpiper was weird but I'm drinking the Kool Aid. He had fun and he let go this week. He even joked around in his post-interview. I think he needed a night of being playful to finally break the nerves. I'm expecting amazing next week.

Bottom Three: I'm not buying that Katie is staying out of the Bottom Three. I also think it is time for Aaron Kelly to go there. Finally, in a surprise, I'd like to say Siobhan Magnus is getting a scare. Those are my three. Tim should be here but he's good looking and got a good set of remarks from the judges. That will be enough to keep him out.

Going Home: Katie Stevens

Tor Baby Countdown: 56 Days

2010-04-06T08:28:00.007-04:00

Sometimes Baby Center likes to make up vegetables because there isn't one that represents the current size of the baby. This week, our daughter is the size of jicama. It's Latin for "sorta kinda like a big turnip," or "friend of the quarter" as evidenced below.

People lose their filters around pregnant women. It's like the estrogen glow of the pregnant woman breaks down the walls of decent behavior in the nearby people causing them to function purely on id. That's why bellies are touched by strangers and the following things can be said:

"Were you trying (to have a baby)?" - Alright, Salt-n-Pepa, let's talk about sex. I mean, we haven't ever before this point so let's get into it. What causes someone to ask such a personal thing? "Hey Doris, did you watch American Idol last night? How's your vagina?" Not appropriate. Why not ask for a video?

"You must be having a girl because a girl steals your beauty." - This is wrong. It can't feel right coming out of the mouth. She's a pregnant woman. She's insecure and you are basically telling them they should spend the rest of the gestation period killing drunken teens at an abandoned campground. I'm not a fan of punching a woman (capable of saying this) but I would gladly hire someone to. Is Gina Carano available?

Gina Carano - Lady Puncher for Hire

"When are you due? Last week?" - My wife is due in 7 weeks. So unless I am posting a comment she will hear 8 weeks in the future, this was offensive. How do you get out of this? "I was hoping you'd have a preemie. They are ever so much cuter." Nooooo, that doesn't work. Well, at least my wife was pregnant and female so it wasn't as big a miss as it could have been.

Just because someone is pregnant doesn't mean you stop thinking before you speak. (I'm still trying to understand why that last statement needs to be said.) My wife is suffering enough on the inside physically. She doesn't need to be suffering psychologically as well.

In conclusion, I'll kill you if you mess with my wife, foo.

Technically, I'm also Mr. T.

Tor Baby Countdown: 57 Days

2010-04-05T09:36:00.007-04:00

There are so many great onesies out there......(puts cigar in mouth) for babies to poop in. I've hit this in the past. I just don't like the onesies with sayings on them. Some people will say that I'm being critical because I'm a comedian and I should lighten up. I mean, they're funny, right? Maybe so but they can be detrimental to your child and the public's perception of her.

Look at this onesie:

Really? Is this necessary? Unless you are going to hand out glasses to everybody that let's them see the baby through her parents' eyes, it's not going to be true. (Pretty sweet invention, though.) Most baby girls initially look like old men with pink bows wrapped around their bald head. Just weird. Let babies look like babies. Cute and pretty come later.

See what I mean?

Putting "World's Prettiest Baby" on your daughter (or son) is asking for unnecessary scrutiny. You are placing your baby under a microscope. If I saw a baby in this onesie, I would immediately think the opposite and find more things wrong with the baby than there actually are. Babies are inherently insecure. Hence, the poor bladder control. Why would you add to that?

Here's another one I can't take:

What parent is actively training their baby girl to be a diva? "My daughter is going to need a crib with 1200 thread count sheets, formula at 72 degrees, and 7 crinkle toys in the shapes of zoo animals." I would rather the onesie be more truthful and say "Selfish, Entitled, Vain, Friendless, Bossy, Diet Pill Popper in Training" or "Call Child Services Because My Parents Are Ruining Me."

I simply want people to like my daughter so let's stick to images of bunnies and bears and cut it with the sayings. Cool?

Tor Baby Countdown: 60 Days

2010-04-02T08:45:00.006-04:00

We have two dogs, more famously known as "The Siblings Jerkface." Babies and dogs are a curious combination. My wife and I stare at the dogs and any slight change in their behavior causes us to wonder if they know there's a baby coming. "Boy Jerkface is sleeping in a new spot. Does that mean he hates the baby already?"

Those are "hate eyes"

Their previous owners had kids so they've been around babies. In fact, friends have been over with their kids and the dogs have wanted nothing to do with them. One baby was left in the carrier on the floor and got little more than a sniff. These dogs could care less about babies.

Or so we thought. Another baby was over recently. (You may remember him as my future son-in-law, the pilot.) Girl Jerkface would not stop licking him. It was like he was covered in syrup and not drool, dust, and urine. It was just the kind of curveball to keep my wife and I off-balance.

"You can't watch the baby forever"

Look, I don't want a dog to lick our baby. Sure they are kisses but that's a tongue that's just been "kissing" dog parts that I don't want to specify. Why don't we rub our baby on the dog's crotch and cut out the middle man? (Ok, so I specified.)

How do you stop a dog from licking a baby? Do you constantly yell NO? Do you dunk the baby in bitters? Do you train the baby to withstand electrical impulses like a clownfish in an anemone so you can electrify the baby? Fact: Dogs leave babies that electrocute them alone.

Electric Baby (According to Google Search)

On the other hand, what if Girl Jerkface doesn't want to lick our baby? Does that mean she hates our daughter? How mad will the pediatrician get when he finds peanut butter in our daughter's ear? I have so many questions.

Tor Baby Countdown: 61 Days

2010-04-01T11:50:00.004-04:00

I had a horrible dream last night. The baby was born and I missed it. I was scrambling to get to the day care where she was being kept. My parents were there and my daughter was in another room with my three younger brothers (in real life, I'm an only child). Next thing I knew, I was holding my daughter and crying about how I missed it. Then I started to believe that I was dreaming because I couldn't figure out how I missed it or why she was in day care already. My impulse in the dream to prove that I was dreaming was to throw the baby!

I'll repeat that. My best idea on how to snap myself out of the dream was to THROW MY BABY.

Now I woke up before I was able to toss her but what if I didn't? What if I dreamed that I threw my baby? I would definitely feel even worse than I do right now. What if I wasn't dreaming and I threw my baby? "Hey prison, let's get acquainted."

This is not an acceptable subconscious thought process. There is something wrong with me. Truthfully. That picture doesn't do justice for what I wanted to do. That's more of an "ooo-pah" fun toss and my intention was more like the baby was a paper airplane. I couldn't find that picture probably because PEOPLE DON'T THROW BABIES LIKE THAT!

There were no other options? Where was pinching on my list? Third? Fourth? One Hundredth? Maybe my dreams were playing an April Fool's joke on me. Let's go with that. I'm not a monster. Right?

American Idol Season 9 - Top 10 (Elimination)

2010-04-01T07:28:00.001-04:00

We opened with a ridiculous montage comparing Simon Cowell to the Kraken which is stupid because the Kraken would never leave American Idol. Ruben Studdard came back to the stage with a performance that should have gotten him eliminated instead of the one who went home. Usher danced. Diddy lip-synched. It was a magical hour. My only problem is that they have to cram it all in to one hour. Why rush it? Let's make this a 4-hour results show and really take our time. I should talk to the producers.

Bottom 3:

Katie Stevens - I'm allowed to not like someone's singing voice. Maybe Simon's right. Maybe she should sing country. At the very least, we should have Simon and Kara debate this a few more times. I fear she is going home next week, leap-frogging over Tim and off the Idol stage.

Tim Urban - Smiles made it through another week. When I first saw him look into the camera with that "I'm a moth and that light is so beautiful" drugged-up stare, I knew he was Top 9 material. Didn't you?

Didi Benami - America hates tears. We're not some wussy country trying to get in touch with our feelings. This is a manly country and we pee standing up into the Atlantic Ocean (because Florida is our penis). Didi fell fast. She did not deserve to go home yet. She's had a few good performances which can't be said for Tim, Katie, or Andrew.

Final Thought: Well, I got the Bottom Three right. Just got the elimination wrong. It's not easy being a girl on American Idol. The teens sitting at home developing unhealthy crushes are all focused on the guys. That's how Tim keeps going. Next week's theme is songs from the McCartney/Lennon songbook. Does this mean Aaron Kelly will be doing an inferior "Imagine" to David Archuleta's the way he did an inferior "Ain't No Sunshine" to Kris Allen's? Will Big Mike glue a mop top onto his head like the purple strip he did last night? Will Casey James play electric guitar? Will Siobhan go with "I've Got A Feeling" so she can say the song dictated a scream and she had to do it? Will Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze sing 4 times each instead of letting the others go? I'm tuning in to see!

American Idol Season 9 - Top 10

2010-03-31T13:13:00.000-04:00

It was Usher week and he did a good job as evidenced by the strong performances tonight. There were three clear great ones tonight (Andrew, Lee, and Crystal). Andrew owes a lot of that to Usher. I'm also concerned about Ryan and his hosting. He seemed to have found a good balance but lately he's been extra on the contestants' side. He has attacked the judges (Simon) and tried to pull tears from the singers (Didi) or point out their illnesses (Lee). He needs to go back to simply hosting and figuring out new ways to emphasize the "Am" in "This. Is. American Idol."

Siobhan Magnus - "Through The Fire" - This was the worst she's been all season. I didn't like her in previous weeks but at least she was doing something interesting. This was just bad. She's also going the American Idol Mikalah Gordon make-up route (See below). She will benefit from Simon being excessively mean to her.

Casey James - "Hold On, I'm Comin'" - He is Mr. Consistent. Never good enough to be the best of the night and never bad enough to be in the Bottom 3. Pretty soon the middle won't exist, Casey.

Big Mike - "I'm Ready For Love" - Just the titles he picks make me want to punch him in the face. He says the guitar is his "bread and butter." Fun fact - This was his 3rd guitar of the day after he ate the first two for carbs. Using a stool and guitar kept his limbs occupied so he couldn't do anything annoying and corny. It was smart. Next week, maybe he'll use handcuffs and put his feet in cement like he pissed off the mob. Best performance by him for me.

Didi Benami - "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" - Very theater-y. It's broken, not barrohken. Didi is not sticking to the stuff that made her good. If she makes it to next week, I want her to bring her guitar back. Hopefully, Big Mike won't eat it.

Tim Urban - "Sweet Love" - He stares at the camera like American Idol will disappear if he blinks. I think I speak for viewers when I say it's time to blink. Blink, Tim! That was an awful performance. Awful.

Andrew Garcia - "Forever" - He finally got back to himself. This is the Andrew that I like. A pep talk from Usher doesn't hurt. How do I get an Usher pep talk? Is there a 900 number I can call? It wasn't amazing but it was very solid and got him back in the hunt.

Katie Stevens - "Chain of Fools" - She is just an old soul. It's too bad that soul can't sing well. She's so boring. It's like watching paint sing. Or grass sing. I can't take it much longer.

Lee DeWyze - "Treat Her Like a Lady" - He won the night. I'm so happy he got away from last week's performance style. I was worried because the judges praised him but he went back to what makes him comfortable. I just wish his right leg wasn't keeping 3-16 time. It's like he's trying to pump a bike tire before the bullies get him.

Crystal Bowersox - "Midnight Train to Georgia" - She was very good but she was the most hesitant I've seen her. It was minimal but she did not like standing up. It could have been the shoes. Hippies are afraid of heights. That's why they are such fans of grass.

Aaron Kelly - "Ain't No Sunshine" - Why would you try this song after Kris Allen did it so well just one season ago? It was dull. Usher gave him awesome advice and then he didn't use it. That's why he went the opposite way Andrew did this week. Even the chipmunks raced off the stage. Didn't even finish putting Aaron's picnic together.

Bottom Three: This week was much better than last week. It proves once and for all that Usher is better than Miley Cyrus. Let's all agree now. I believe Tim Urban and Katie Stevens will return to the Bottom Three. And it's time to welcome someone new - Didi Benami. I think she's fine but she needs a good scare.

Going Home: Tim Urban

Tor Baby Countdown: 62 Days

2010-03-31T08:40:00.006-04:00

Wow. We are two good size months away from Billie Mae joining us in this world. We are also headed towards 61 more days of fake names. But those who do read will be able to make a more educated guess as to the real name via process of elimination. That's incentive to read!

We have a few children's books now populating the nursery. I'd like to focus on one in particular. It is called "Why I Love My Daddy."

Since I will be playing the role of "Daddy," I found it bothersome that such a book would exist. I'd like my daughter to formulate her own opinion of why she loves her daddy and not be spoon-fed a bunch of unfounded reasons. Also, we didn't get a "Why I Love My Mommy" book which does exist as I made sure before I started complaining.

See?

Here are the reasons my daughter, Burbank, will love me:

"He is big and strong" - That's Strike 1 right there. I am not big and strong. I am tall and lanky and it's only a matter of time before my daughter has bigger legs and wrists than me. I'm guessing by the time she's 8. Earlier depending on how good the Happy Meal toys are.

"He is clever" - I have my moments.

"He keeps me safe and cosy" - First off, it's cozy. Was that British? Secondly, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'll be quick with a blanket but safety will be determined after a few nights in that crib I put together. Fingers crossed.

"He plays with me" - Maybe.

"He carries me" - I'm starting to feel the pressure. Am I supposed to do and be all of these things? I'll carry her for a little while but, like Jesus, I will have to put her down and let her make her own footprints. And sand castles. And choices when faced with a jellyfish and a finger in poke mode.

"He is handsome" - Weird. I want to be flattered by this but it's weird. Besides, I prefer it if my daughter would call me "hot." Much better.

"He is funny" - Nailed it.

"He fixes things" - Strike 2. I don't fix anything. Is this in anticipation of the crib we spoke about earlier? It might hold. Seriously, I have a specialist fix everything. My car. My hot water heater. And I'll probably send my baby out to get fixed too. Wait that came out wrong.

"He has the best ideas" - I don't. I have terrible ideas. That's why I'm not successful as a comedian. Strike 3.

This book is filled with lies. Every page is patronizing and will ultimately lead to me resenting my daughter.

Well, that's all of our time today. Tune in tomorrow when I will angrily rant about why a cat would need a hat. Preview: It doesn't. Hats only lead to mischief.

Tor Baby Countdown: 63 Days

2010-03-30T09:12:00.005-04:00

It's Tuesday and you know what that means, loyal readers? (crickets) That's right! It's new fruit or vegetable day! Baby Center has informed us on this wretchedly awful, rainy morning that our baby is now the size of four navel oranges. The website went on to assure us that our baby is one piece. Is there not a single fruit or vegetable that is this size?

Naming a baby is not easy. You are forced to anticipate ways it can be made fun of. If she is smart, you have to stay away from Gertie ("Nerdy Gertie"). If she is ugly, you have to stay away from Vicky ("Icky Vicky"). And God forbid she is chubby, you have to stay away from Patty ("Fatty Patty"), Kate ("Overweight Kate"), or Brooke ("Look How Much Food She Took Brooke") among others.

My wife and I have chosen our daughter's name but we've decided not to tell anyone. I find it's easier to like a name once there is a face associated with it. "Here, meet Mervina, isn't she precious?" goes a lot better when you are holding a cute little baby.

My improv friends call her Linda or Peyton. My best friend calls her Tori (Tori Tor seems like a winner). The guessing is fun. Nobody has guessed it yet but that doesn't mean I would tell them if they did. I'm a good liar.

The problem is that people don't like to not know and it is hard to keep the secret, especially with my wife and I singing songs and talking to the belly using her name all the time. It's only a matter of time before "Grizelda would not stop kicking last night" slips out of one of our mouths.

We get asked whether we have a name often and my wife has taken to saying no to avoid the long "We have. We're just not telling people. Especially you." response. Sometimes the people get offended and have a look that says "Not even me?" Well, I'm sorry. You aren't high enough on our privacy-sharing list, Cashier at Home Goods. Of course I want to yell "BIMLEE" at the top of my lungs but it's not happening. Just scan my spatula and take my card so we can get out of here!

We are 63 days away (my baby will be punctual) from unveiling the name and people are going to like it because they like us and like our baby. I will leave you with a few hints:

We have not found this name on a personalized key chain or mug yet
It is not Spanish like my wife
It is not one of the names in this blog though the first hint should have helped that (so many Bimlee mugs)
It is not my name with an 'a' at the end
It is not monosyllabic
The middle name is pretty

Tor Baby Countdown: 64 Days

2010-03-29T09:33:00.006-04:00

Technology advances forward like Lindsey Lohan in a bad decision contest. The things they can do now with ultrasounds is way different than what they were doing back in the days of George Washington. In those days, a kite was wrapped around the mother's waist and an artist would try to capture as much of the insides as he could whenever lightning struck. Today, we've harnessed the power of the skies and can wield lightning to create photos of your baby in 3 dimensions.

3D ultrasound photos are probably the scariest, most horrible part of pregnancy. The image comes out looking like a bird, a fossil, or a baby that drank from the wrong Holy Grail at the end of Indiana Jones. When we told the technician that they never come out well and we don't want nightmares about our daughter, she admitted they look a little weird but that's because the baby has no fat to separate the skin from the bone. I'm glad she said that because I was wondering why there was a vomit bucket next to my chair.

Not ours but equally not good.

So we got the ultrasound and our daughter looked terrible but we expected that. No fat and what not. A person my wife works with said that you will be amazed at how much your child looks like that ultrasound. Thanks, that needed to be said. I can't wait to hold Melty-face Bird Fossil in my arms!

Now there is news that some hospitals are offering 4D ultrasounds. Will the fetus be able to walk through walls? Will you be able to see into bird baby's future? "Here she is at college pecking her professor's eyes out." How long do we have to wait for a fifth dimension? Until the Age of Aquarius?

How my wife and I spend Sunday afternoons.

Unless doing a 4D ultrasound implants in our daughter the ability to understand the complex mathematics involved in calculating the fourth dimension, I don't want it. In fact, let's just stick to two dimensions. Nice and flat.

True story: At our last ultrasound appointment, the technician was unable to take a 3D picture because our daughter had her arms up blocking her face. Daddy's proud of you, honey.

Tor Baby Countdown: 65 Days

2010-03-28T18:46:00.004-04:00

From what I'm told, when this baby is born, I will look into her eyes and a transformation will happen. From what I'm told, I will fall in love instantly and not be able to resist any request she ever makes. I'm tired of being told what will happen. People who are parents either newly or oldly tend to dispense not only advice but predictions.

"She's going to be Daddy's little girl" - First off, my daughter is not property. I don't own her. I guide her. Shall we high-five now or later, Spirit of Elizabeth Cady Stanton? Secondly, I plan on sharing her with my wife. It's only fair after all the work she put in. Also, Little Lady Tor might be huge. What if she comes out taller than me?

"She's going to have a tough time in your house with all the sharp corners and stuff near the ground" - I think the only way to babyproof a house is to modify the house as the baby grows. My wife has outlet covers on the bathroom wall 4 feet off the ground. While I'm excited about potentially having a baby with that kind of vertical leap (Hello Geno Auriemma!), I'll wait and see. What if we have a baby that breathes fire? Our whole wooden coffee table is a problem and not just the sharp corners.

"Before you know it, she'll be dating" - Maybe she won't ever date. Maybe she'll be homely and not be able to find another. Maybe she'll be so interested in her career that she won't have time for such things. Maybe she'll be asexual like a hammerhead shark. We can call her Hammy.

"You wouldn't let her go to Seton Hall, would you?" - This one's easy. The answer is no. Not just because there are better schools but mostly because I don't want members of the basketball team to take her meal points at gunpoint.

"She is going to have a fantastic 50th wedding anniversary!" - Alright, nobody has said this. Yet. But if they did, it's the one I would agree with. Even I know this one's true.

Look, I don't know what's going to happen with her and that's what's so exciting about it. All I do know is that I'm not rushing to find out.

Tor Baby Countdown: 66 Days

2010-03-27T17:31:00.004-04:00

We went to a friend's son's first birthday party today. At this point in our lives, there are lots of babies everywhere we go. This party was no exception which is weird since one year olds don't usually have many friends. They have mandatory friends in the form of relatives and the parents' friends' kids.

Mandatory friends aren't so bad. They help with early socialization and other supposedly important developmental stages. What bothers me is that the birthday boy's mom and my wife have conspired to betroth the boy to our unborn daughter. I've known of this intended union for some time now so I took the party to observe and determine if he's worthy.

We got to the party late and he was already passed out on the couch. I'll let it slide as I found out that yesterday was his actual birthday so he was probably exhausted from the previous night's partying.

When it was cake time, he smashed what was in front of him with his hands and then proceeded to smear the chocolate frosting all over himself, his clothes, and the high chair he was sitting in. This is actually pretty funny. Spontaneity like this is so rare these days and it is a sign of someone willing to go to any limits to entertain. My daughter may have a down day and need a pick me up. Cake smearing might be just what she needs to smile. That's one point for him.

Finally, during the opening of the presents, he had no interest in the cards which is a sign of bad manners. He was a big fan of a Mickey Mouse plane that he could ride. Though, I fear he has pilot aspirations which is bad as pilots are never home. That's a lot of nights home alone for my daughter. That wears on a marriage. That's one point against.

That leaves us at a draw. However, this would be the perfect time to have a wedding. As the bride's parents, we are responsible for paying for it and a baby union would be very cheap. The wedding dress needs less fabric. They barely eat. They don't know a lot of people so it would be a small reception. Plus they would have to still live at home so no down payment help on a new home. We may even be able to split a place with the groom's parents since they would have to live there too. It makes total financial sense to marry our babies right now.

If only I can get past the pilot thing. Oh yeah and the ridiculousness.

Weird, right?

Tor Baby Countdown: 67 Days

2010-03-26T08:35:00.004-04:00

Pregnancy causes very vivid dreams for the mother-to-be. Recently my wife told me of a dream where the doctor found a pair of scissors when he reached in to get the baby. We all know that babies should not play with scissors until they are out of the body. That's just common sense.

Sadly, this picture was easy to find.

It's the nightmares that are the hardest to deal with. All of your fears about parenting and the baby being ok manifest themselves into these horrible pseudoexperiences. Last night I had what I would call a sympathy nightmare (and doctors would call a regular one).

It starts in our house and everything seems really pleasant. Our daughter is there meaning the birth had been a success. Way to go, Dream Wife!* So Dream Wife is holding the baby and the baby is cooing. A storm quickly rolls in. There is thunder and lightning. The wind howls. The power goes out and the house is shaking. The dogs are bothered by the storm and running in between Dream Wife's feet while she shakes and paces with the baby. Dream Wife makes funny faces to try to distract the baby from the storm. Just then, one of the dogs darts past Dream Wife as she steps forward. That's when it happens - the baby laughs for the first time. At her!?!

I woke up in a cold sweat. I looked over at my sleeping wife and I resented her. I'm the one that's going to make the baby laugh first. I'm the comedian, not her! She can law the baby all she wants.** I was disgusted. I mean, will funny faces really be enough to make my daughter laugh? Really?? Because I expect a sharper, smarter sense of humor out of her.

I vow this to you, readers. I will not pander or kowtow to my daughter. I will make insightful and humorous infant-related observations. Things that will make her think. I will earn those laughs.

"Don't you just wish sometimes that you can marry a burp. No spouse can ever make you feel that good. Am I right, babies?"

"I was hanging out in a Pack N Play the other day. Have you ever been in one of these?"

"Swaddle's a funny word. Swaddle. Swa...ddle."

"I'm not from here originally. I was actually born in a mother's womb. Oh, you too? Which mother? Yeah, I had to get out of there. It's a wet heat."

"What's the deal with a changing table? We put you on it. We take you off it. But you're still the same baby!"

Maybe funny faces are the way to go.

* Dream Wife was (and is) my actual wife, just to clarify.

** She's a lawyer for those readers who don't know us which is a large contributor as to why Dream Wife and Actual Wife are the same person.

Tor Baby Countdown: 68 Days

2010-03-25T09:16:00.005-04:00

All parents have fears about their baby. It's only natural to want the best for your child. I thought I would make a list of the things I want, as a father, for our daughter.

Health - A good immune system is about as important as a well-balanced breakfast. If this were the future, I would check "good immune system" off first at the Build-A-Baby Workshop.

Above Average Intelligence - I don't want school to be too easy for her but I also want her to get A's. Having to work hard in high school makes college easier. I'm only thinking of her. Plus I don't want to be outsmarted as a parent ever!

Good with Money - This is where genetics has to surprise us. Neither I nor my wife is very good with money so two wrongs are going to have to make a right here. I expect her to have a diverse portfolio using all of her babysitting money.

Strong Equilibrium - She's going to have a large head. Almost like my wife cheated on me with one of the Pep Boys. "You're welcome. Love, your parents." She's going to fight falling over for a while. A strong equilibrium will go a long way towards helping her keep her friends.

Athletic - While I would settle for "not trippy," I will shoot for the stars (as I have on the list so far) and hope she will be able to play some sports. I will allow softball, tennis, basketball, and golf. Giant no for track (boring to watch) and soccer (unpatriotic).

Able to Perform Simple Magic Tricks - This would be for social situations where there is a lull in the conversation. She wouldn't always be doing magic. Also these social situations would be her parents' social situations, not with her own friends. I just want a daughter who can come out and do some card tricks when I don't feel like being a good host.

Immediately Attractive Upon College Graduation - She gets that diploma and BOOM, like a switch, she's a hottie. I'm fine with it. She'll be old enough by that point that I'll be ok with her being with other people. Until then, she wouldn't be a hag but I won't have to chase the guys (or girls) away.

Flight - As part of puberty, she would gain the power of flight. Then when she's 17, she wouldn't need a driver's license. She could just fly to where she needs to go. There is a much smaller chance of collision in the sky than on the road. You can't put a price on peace of mind.

Curative Touch - I want to be able to witness every milestone in our daughter's life but I got a head start on her on the ol' calendar. If she could heal any malady I come upon in life with a touch on the arm, I would love that. I'm sure my wife would be cool with it, too.

Happiness - Nobody likes a downer. I hope she enjoys every day she has with a smile on her face. I know I will.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 11 (Elimination)

2010-03-25T00:30:00.003-04:00

Good to see Randy is back to booing Simon at the beginning of the show. Last week was an aberration. Nice use of Autotune on the guys for "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go." It's great to see that a collection of America's greatest singers need help hitting notes.

I have had a few hours to think about yesterday's debacle of a show and I do blame Miley Cyrus a little. It falls on the mentor to get good performances out of the contestants. She could have helped them more. Or gotten her dad to.

Bottom 3:

Katie Stevens - It was not good for me but it certainly wasn't bad enough to go home. (Relatively.) I'm not sure what I want from her other than to not knock out one of the top performers (Crystal, Siobhan, Lee, Didi, Huey Lewis).

Tim Urban - I should have gotten this right. I rushed myself to finish the blog. He was in the Bottom 3 last week. It was obvious. I hope my readers will let me...slide? Nice.

Paige Miles - It was one of the worst performances I've ever seen on Idol. It was bad from note one. She had to go home. What's unfortunate was how good her exit performance was. Once Simon said she had no shot at getting the save, it was a total transformation. Nerves can be a cruel stagemate.

Final Thought: I was wrong to put Andrew Garcia in the Bottom 3, prediction-wise. He has a strong following. He needs to stick to his acoustic guitar and entertain all of his fans until he is voted off because, right now, he's terrible. At least when he was fooling around with acoustic guitar, I didn't have to fight with my thumb and the fast forward button. He's in Lil Rounds territory. Really early frontrunners who struggle get beaten to a pulp by the judges and stop being who they are. Their performances resemble someone who got on stage at karaoke and had a friend secretly pick the song. My gut is telling me Tim will be next followed by Katie. Then we could get a surprise of Big Mike. I feel like he's going home earlier than people realize. As the judges keep pointing out the overdramatic stage mannerisms, America will not be able to ignore them and then stop voting so they will go away.

Tor Baby Countdown: 69 Days

2010-03-24T14:26:00.004-04:00

I won't giggle about the number of days if you won't. Deal?

We had a doctor's appointment today. My lack of employment (or dream chasing as I like to call it) has allowed me to accompany my wife to the doctor each time and be along for the process. Today was a nice change of pace. For the first time, I showered before the appointment. So I hope the doctor was able to overlook my Ghostbusters t-shirt and look to my hygiene as my readiness for fatherhood.

A baby doctor is important but apparently not too important. I read this article about emergency home births. It is a step-by-step list of instructions for a mother to give birth by herself. It does start off with calling 911 and calling a neighbor but it has steps for what to do until they get there. This includes dealing with an umbilical cord wrapped around your baby's neck. Yeah, I know.

I've seen a lot of photos and videos of women after they have given birth. (That came out weird.) They look like they have just single-handedly stormed Normandy while also pooping their pants. How can they possibly handle the intricacies of getting a baby to breath via umbilical cord unwrapping or nasal passage clearance? They went through hell. One of the steps is to "try to get your baby to nurse.?!?!" Where is 911? Why does this woman have so much time? Is she bored? Why aren't these steps:

A C-section is easy to do. We've all watched Sesame Street so we are familiar with the alphabet. Be thankful it's not an R-section with bikini season around the corner. First, get your most sterile scalpel...
A baby's neck can never be too strong too soon. Exercise bands around the baby's head can be a good little workout for your newest love. Make sure the resistance is low, though. The head is pretty malleable.
It's never too early to start calling preschools. Have a glass of water ready. You don't want to sound frazzled when you talk to admissions.
You know that tree stump you have lying around? Time to start whittling that into a bassinet. The baby can't sleep on your belly forever. It's been minutes already.

Do they make laptop sleeves that protect against placenta juice because I'm sure no one remembered to print out these instructions beforehand? If not, dibs on the patent. (But I'll bring in some other people for testing. Big ew on that one.)

I don't want to meet the woman who can do this but if I did, I would want to fist pound her hand because I'm sure she would crush mine in a common handshake. The world isn't ready for Mamazons. Just in case, I'm going to be by my wife's side no matter what because I don't want to find out if she's capable of this. I'm emasculated enough as it is in life.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 11

2010-03-24T07:53:00.004-04:00

Miley Cyrus was the mentor this week. She won me over by saying she didn't know why she was a mentor but she would be willing to help with connection and stage presence. I appreciate that. Unfortunately, that won't allow me to rip her apart as mentor. I had a whole metaphor about a dragon and a bakery. It was gonna be sweet. As for the awful night, at least the contestants had fun because the viewers did not.

Lee DeWyze - "The Letter" - I agreed with Simon on this. It didn't feel like Lee. After last week's "Beast of Burden" (which I have watched 4 times), I was disappointed. He doesn't need to be moving around to be a "star." The 3 Non-Simons are giving him bad advice. Do not listen to them, Lee. Do not hear their call. You will die (or get voted off).

Paige Miles - "Against All Odds" - She went with the stairs. The stairs usually lead to good comments from the judges but not this time. It might have been worse than her "Smile" from 2 weeks ago. I had to make sure it wasn't me singing up there. She better not put that on YouTube. Commenters will be merciless.

Tim Urban - "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" - Tim Urban got a hug. Do you think Miley's boyfriend is going to be jealous? That hug said "I wish it was you, Tim Urban, in my Nicholas Sparks movie and not the other guy." Let's talk about Miley's movie instead of the singing. No? Fine. It was ok. I have a feeling the judges would have liked it if this was Season 2. I'm more concerned with the slide. It was like the first day of sliding in Little League practice. He is going to hurt himself. At least, Miley will take care of him.

Aaron Kelly - "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" - It was decent for having laryngitis and tonsillitis but I'm a big fan of this song............'s movie. How can he connect to this song? This is song is about a Bruce Willis stopping an asteroid from hitting Earth so that his daughter may live. Aaron is too young to have experienced that. I didn't buy it.

Crystal Bowersox - "Me and Bobby McGee" - It was fantastic. Maybe the only good performance of the night. Therefore, I'd like to talk about how Miley ruined Crystal's guitar. Crystal gave you a gift, Cyrus. You don't deserve to sign that guitar and she allowed you to and then you take up all of that room. Just sign your name. Where's Pink going to sign? Where's Paula Cole going to sign? Where's the random lady who was spiritually inhabited by Karen Carpenter just to meet Crystal going to sign? Think next time.

Big Mike - "When A Man Loves A Woman" - I didn't even want to watch once I heard the song choice. One thing is for sure. Big Mike loves love. Big Mike loves women. And Big Mike loves loving women. Is anyone up for Mike mixing it up next week and rocking out, "Throw Some Ds on that Bitch?" At the very least it will be fun to watch him cornily mime picking up D cup breasts and throwing them at an imaginary bitch.

Andrew Garcia - "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" - I've given up on Andrew. I'll listen to whatever pop acoustic song he puts on YouTube but he's got nothing left. If there was one positive for this performance, it was his dedication to pointing to his ear every time he mentioned hearing something through the grapevine.

Katie Stevens - "Big Girls Don't Cry" - There was no edge to the vocal. It sounded like one long "Yayayayayayayayayayayaya" howl if those ya's were out of tune. Fergie is not one of those Idol untouchables (Mariah or Whitney) but she sings with attitude. Katie has the attitude of seahorse that was raised by the Amish. It did not work but the Non-Simons liked it.

Casey James - "The Power of Love" - He sounded exactly like Huey Lewis at times. It was scary. In the opening interview, he said he was going to focus on moving around and owning the stage. So how did he rock the stage? He started standing near his microphone and then walked to it. You know what? Owning the stage is a journey and that always starts with the one step he took tonight. I'm looking forward to next week!

Didi Benami - "You're No Good" - It was fine but it felt very Broadway. I hope this was an off week for her because I don't want her to be a Broadway Idol. She's better than that. I don't want her starring in "My Name in Heart Lights: The Music of Neil Diamond" by this time next year. Side note - I'd get tickets for that show regardless.

Siobhan Magnus - "Superstition" - Clean up on Idol 11! That was a mess and a half. Her body moves in slow motion. It is independent to whatever her mouth is doing. It doesn't look right. Is it because she can't see? She should crawl around feeling for stuff next week. Also, she screeched again at the end. Imagine that.

Bottom Three: While I know it is hard to pick only 3 going home-worthy performances, you have to factor in the number of fans people have. Paige is done. It was that bad. They can't afford to have her there next week even if the producers have to turn off her phone line. The other two spots are probably Andrew Garcia (he's done more than enough to deserve it) and Katie Stevens (her singing is like licking cardboard). I feel Tim Urban has too many girls in love with him. Same with Aaron Kelly.

Going Home: Paige Miles

Tor Baby Countdown: 70 Days

2010-03-23T08:29:00.005-04:00

Every Tuesday, my wife and I log on to Baby Center to find out what size our daughter is in relation to a fruit or vegetable (except for that weird jumbo shrimp week). It is a very exciting time. This week's vegetable is a "good-size" cabbage. We are at the point where my wife winces at the reveal. She doesn't want a "good-size" anything.

Here's the thing - there's not enough room in a human woman to put a baby. Sure a woman can gain a whole bunch of weight but she can't gain a new spot on her body. It's not like putting an addition on a home. So the organs have to go somewhere. The stomach goes at the base of the throat. The liver goes behind the lung. And the gall bladder goes to Florida because it's been cold and rainy.

The baby keeps growing through all of this internal reorganization so those organs never get to really settle. On top of that, the baby is a huge jerk and punches and kicks for room like an unreasonable bedmate. My wife is walking around while the baby punches her in the heart as it screams "THIS IS WHERE THE LOVE COMES FROM!" in soundless baby mouth movements. There is no gratitude. "Just keep sending stuff through that cord if you know what's good for you, lady." And my wife does know what's good for her.

Women have been having babies for tens of years based on statistics generated from observing the people I frequent life with. You would think women would have adapted by now. (Yes, I'm still watching Life.) Now I'm just spitballing here but what about a more skeletal womb, something made of a strong metal? It would basically be a steel hamster ball. The baby's hands can't handle punching that for very long. After the first few babies come out with deformed hand nubs, the word would get around to the other steel wombs. Problem solved.*

Alternative Approach: We have a friend who is also pregnant and a couple of weeks ahead of us. She has gained about 1/4 of the weight my wife has. I have not seen her but the baby must look like it's vacuum-sealed into her belly. This is another great way to limit the baby's movements and to also save you money on those expensive 3-D ultrasounds. Something to think about.

Picture him much younger and with less clothes. Also, yeah, people do this.

*Getting the steel hamster ball out would require a C-Section but they were probably going to do that anyway. C-Sections are the new bloodletting.

Tor Baby Countdown: 71 Days

2010-03-22T08:34:00.004-04:00

Tor baby. That's a typo away from disaster. Speaking of which, I like to think my impending daughter is like Baby Jessica, stuck at the bottom of my wife's well. Unfortunately the TV cameras won't come and the police won't do anything about it. There's a long wait until the rescue happens and, personally, I think that's cruel. Medically, I think it's the right call as she has to keep growing.

This weekend we put together a swing. Baby product companies give you just enough responsibility in the assembly of their products that you will never trust putting your baby in them. This swing came in about 20 pieces. When these 20 pieces are put together properly, it will simulate a cradling motion, a cradling motion you can easily do yourself as a parent and not subject your precious baby to the monstrosity you've assembled. I will be surprised if our swing turns on without melting in place. The motor is attached to the legs and best case, the swing will walk the baby around the room. Worst case - it will kick the baby incessantly.

The same goes for the Pack N Play/Bassinet. It took a good three tries before it even resembled what's on the box. As long as we keep the baby in the upper right corner, it should not fold in on itself, trapping the baby like a Venus Fly Trap. (Yeah, we watched Life last night.) At least it comes with three stuffed bears. That might give our daughter something to soak up the bleeding.

I know I'm being ridiculous. I was voted Most Likely to be a Good Dad in high school. Therefore, I will stop the karate swing as soon as I notice the baby beating and I'll get the Jaws of Life to spring her from the Pack N Play. I just wish these products would come with better instructions. All of the pieces look the same and everything "snaps" (much like your baby's bones would if they were hard enough) into place, meaning you can put it together however you want. Everything fits into everything! Why make a Pack N Play when you can make a sturdy pile of tubes you can impale yourself on with an adorable fabric pattern? That's what we did!

I long for simpler times when the scariest thing your baby had to face was a Velociraptor or the plague. I have a little over 2 months left and I wish Mr. Graco would come and put everything together for me. My wife and I can barely manage hanging pictures. I know we can handle the baby fine but we're going to have to trust putting her in one of these things we built at some point. We can only carry her in our arms for so long.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 12 (Eliminations)

2010-03-18T08:06:00.004-04:00

The night started off amazing (not with David Cook) but with Randy Jackson not booing Simon Cowell's introduction for the first time in 3 seasons. This is unprecedented, folks. I never thought the day would come. It just goes to show that there's hope in this crazy world. (Pause to gather myself.)

Bottom 3:

Tim Urban - His take on the Rolling Stones focused more on the "rolling." Am I right, mon? I'm not. I don't know what I'm talking about. Was that Jamaican? Should I go with a Jamaican joke now that puns "You're making?" No? Good. This was my mistake in my Bottom 3 predictions from yesterday. I expected his cuteness to carry him through but it's good to know he's vulnerable. I still expect him to make the Tour.

Paige Miles - The pity votes for laryngitis were not as big as I expected.. Time to step it up with a bigger disease next week. I would start by licking the fake Elvis outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre. He's gotta be covered in 20 years of LA germs. She needs a performance that is unanimously heralded by the judges to avoid going home next week.

Lacey Brown - It's the end of the road for the cub (that's a baby cougar). Her problem was she never figured out what jungle cat she wanted to be. She had a cougar face but wore leopard print and sometimes cheetah print. At this point in the competition, they are looking for someone that knows what exotic animal they want to be. That's why she's going home.

Final Thought: Andrew Garcia is more popular than I thought. How many weeks can he be ripped apart by the judges and stay out of the Bottom 3? I can't see it being much longer. I was surprised that the Idols are allowed to pick their "Save" song instead of being forced to sing the one that got them kicked off. That's a nice touch as it was always my complaint last year. Next week's theme has not been announced so I can't make a prediction as to who will go home. Let's say Paige for the heck of it.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 12

2010-03-17T08:46:00.003-04:00

It's Rolling Stones Week and after the awful cuts last week, I was expecting a disaster but most of the performances were good to even great. Everyone must have gotten confidence from making the Top 12 because the singing was backed with a "Maybe I belong" attitude. Of note, I have begun fast-forwarding Kara because I can't stand hearing about needing a connection every single freaking time!

Big Mike - "Miss You" - He sings well but his movements, as Simon stated, are corny. It's all ham-fisted theatrics with him and then he eats those fists after blasting his pecs in the Idol gym. When Big Mike does get voted off, can you promise me Tom Hanks will escort him and the mouse whose life he saved off the stage?

Didi Benami - "Play With Fire" - When the cameras showed that she was doing this without a guitar, I got nervous. Were we going to have another "Lean on Me?" The answer was no. She had a determined, angry stare as she sang. It was a really good gamble. She's like a nonvoluptuous Joan from "Mad Men" that sings and cries a lot.

Casey James - "It's All Over Now" - Just like Didi, he decided to go with the setup that got him the most criticism from the judges - electric guitar. He belted it out and he finally had a good performance instead of a safe one. Way to listen to my advice, Casey. It took you three weeks.

Lacey Brown - "Ruby Tuesday" - This is the kind of Ruby Tuesday that would appear in a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book. It's too sweet and lilting. Her shyness is going to be the end of her. I'm not even worried about her chances on Idol. They're ending soon enough. I'm more worried about how she's going to coax a college guy into her bed in 20 years because shyness won't do it.

Andrew Garcia - "Gimme Shelter" - This competition has broken Andrew. He doesn't know what to do on stage anymore. I thought this was good but it's not his style. He might as well have fun because he's done on the show. Next week's suggestion - cymbals between his knees, a bass drum on his chest and a plastic toy trumpet by his lips.

Katie Stevens - "Wild Horses" - She's wearing the dress she wore to her own 5th birthday party and singing a sexy song. Somewhere, Marky Mark is carving "Katie" into his chest while the guy from CSI is trying to figure out how to not let Katie grow up too fast. It was ok.

Tim Urban - "Under My Thumb" - It was the You-Just-Arrived-At-Sandals-Let-Us-Take-Your-Bags-While-You-Enjoy-A-Cocktail-By-Our-Pool-With-Another-Couple-That-Talks-Too-Much version. It just made me angry because I hate Sandals so much. He also went back to the falsetto from Week One. Oof. Just not good, Tim. However, you are adorable. You can stay.

Siobhan Magnus - "Paint It Black" - That was every sound that can come out of a human mouth all rolled into one song. The judges referenced Adam Lambert and it was true. So much happening vocally. It was one of those performances that I hated. I thought it sounded terrible. She's more than fine, though. She will coast to the Top 5 but I'm glad that was over.

Lee DeWyze - "Beast of Burden" - He does get better every week which is awesome because I have liked him since the beginning. I wish Ellen and Simon would shut up. If he's good, let him be good. Don't put doubts in the voters' minds. He better not go home too soon.

Paige Miles - "Honky Tonk Woman" - She sounded scared. There are times where you can hear the big voice and then there are times where all I can think about is how she took Katelyn Epperly's spot. However, for having laryngitis, it was really good and she should get a bunch of sympathy votes.

Aaron Kelly - "Angie" - I love when they show his growing up pictures. One of them was taken yesterday! Unfortunately, it was very good. Rabbits hopped onto the stage midway through and died from smiling too hard. He's going to be safe. Bummer.

Crystal Bowersox - "You Can't Always Get What You Want" - She is immaculate on stage. I'm glad Simon said Siobhan took her spot as frontrunner because the frontrunners never win. Crystal was too hyped until now and hopefully she can play catch up for a couple of weeks before taking back the top spot.

Bottom Three: This is a tough one because there are people I want to put in the Bottom Three but they won't go there (Tim, Aaron, Katie). Also, last week has me questioning my feel for America's preferences. I think Lacey Brown is a definite. She was mediocre and she made the mistake of thinking she'll be back. When Ryan was showing her the rest of the stage she said she'd remember that for the next week. Never good to assume. You make a Randy out of...wait. After that, I would say Andrew Garcia. He has to start being vulnerable after four weeks of negative criticism from the judges. Finally, I will go with Paige Miles. I think she is safe because of pity for her illness but she has yet to impress.

Going Home: Lacey Brown

Tor's March Madness Bracket Tips: 2010 Edition

2010-03-16T16:27:00.010-04:00

Every year around this time, people come up to me and ask me about my bracket picks. I say, "Hold on, I'm not done with them yet. How much is it again to enter this year? What are we doing for lunch?" It's like clockwork. This year I thought I'd help those out there who have lost their NC-Double-Way with my Tor Tips. Here are the things I look at when I make my picks.

Seeding - If you have one of the brackets that puts numbers next to the team name, use them. It correlates to the number of fingers a player on that team will hold up when the camera is on them after a big win. Teams with seeds over 10 are littered with genetic freaks and freakiness, while great in the bedroom according to rap stars, has no business on the basketball court. Go with the lower, more socially-acceptable fingered teams.

Mascot - A lot of people pick based on which team's mascot would win in a fight. I like to go by which team's mascot tastes better. For example, Syracuse vs. Vermont. An orange probably tastes much better than a catamount (wild cat). It's also easier to eat and you can find it at your local grocery store without putting in a special order.

Mathematics Rankings - Basketball is a game of geometry. Defensive positioning. Shot trajectory. The shape of the ball. It's all about that subsection of mathematics. Therefore, it makes sense that schools that rank high in mathematics would be good at basketball. Think back to high school. Didn't your varsity basketball captain get an 800 on their SAT math section? I thought so. Therefore, Ohio State (ranked 33rd in college mathematics) should easily beat UCSB (ranked 48th).

Nobel Laureates - This is a new category added this year. After Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, I got to thinking - "He plays a lot of basketball. There must be some significance to that." Can you really go by which school has graduated more Nobel laureates? Example - Cal vs. Louisville. Cal has graduated 26 Nobel laureates to Louisville's 0. Is there any doubt as to why Cal is an 8 seed and Louisville a 9?

Campus Tree Population Density - The more trees per square foot your school has, the purer the air your basketball players are breathing. Also, since trees are so tall, being around them prepares your players for the bigger players they might encounter in the tournament. With that knowledge, one might pick Siena's wonderful Upstate New York campus to upset Purdue and its factory-like, environment-hating configuration. And one should.

Proximity to a Wegman's - Everybody knows that Wegman's is the greatest supermarket in the universe so it is important that the fans, players, and coaches can get their groceries from there. What goes into a person's body is very important and Wegman's provides the best. That's why Villanova (2.9 miles from a Wegman's) will be heavily favored over Robert Morris (82.3 miles from a Wegman's).

Coach's Enjoyment of "Two and Half Men" - Scientists have shown that a human's ability to recognize good comedy is in direct proportion to their ability to coach a college basketball team. Johnny Jones, coach of North Texas, is a big fan of the Charlie Sheen vehicle. I think the committee saw this and punished him with a 15 seed. Also, to add insult to injury, they put him up against Kansas State in the first round. KSU's coach, Frank Martin, set up his V-chip to block CBS and smashed his DVDs of "Men at Work" and "Pretty in Pink." KSU will crush them.

I hope that helps. I will finish with my picks for the Final Four and the NCAA Champion.

Final Four - Kansas, Kentucky, Syracuse, and Baylor

NCAA Champion - Kansas

American Idol Season 9 - Top 16 (Eliminations)

2010-03-12T10:13:00.002-05:00

Well, that was something. I went 1 for 4 on my picks this week and I'm glad I got them wrong. I would never want to be associated with guessing last night's debacle of eliminations correctly. What is wrong with America?

Going Home:

Katelyn Epperly - I was worried about her. She picked one of the least enjoyable songs out of a list of every song ever created. I guess that was enough to condemn her to a four-person montage goodbye package. If anything, Katelyn deserved her own goodbye package. This was a big mistake by America. She was talented and pretty. Isn't that what this competition usually dreams of?

Todrick Hall - He never really shined. The Queen song was not enough to save him. Of all the people going home this week, he deserved it the most and not just because I picked him. Of consolation, I'm sure Fantasia will allow him to dance behind her again. Maybe not.

Alex Lambert - Mullets can do anyone in but I don't think that's what happened. If his performance this week was another step in the right direction, he would have been safe. A rugged, manly song of heartache does not fit his innocence. America doesn't like people who don't feel connected with their instrument. Kara's been right all along.

Lilly Scott - This was also ridiculous. Two of the Top 3 girls don't make the Top 12? She was right to be outraged. It couldn't have been the white hair. People love white hair more than mullets. Look at the major online push to get Betty White on SNL. This was a matter of her sound appealing to too small an audience. Talent doesn't always matter and it's a shame.

Going Forward: This was a bad week for Season 9. All four of these ousted performers had the chance to be great and America settled for good enough with Katie, Tim, Lacey, Paige, and Aaron. I anticipate they will be going home first. These four were intriguing. You don't know what they were going to do and that's good television. Todrick could have done a country version of Lady Gaga or a jazzy Kings of Leon and you wouldn't have blinked. Katelyn could have done a slow version of "Old Man River." We just don't know. And we never will.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 16 (Boys)

2010-03-11T13:07:00.005-05:00

While the girls are trying to win the competition and are fighting to stay, the guys are doing everything they can to go home. Well, there's only 2 seats left on the bus to Idol obscurity. Who's fighting to get to the front of the ticket line?

Lee DeWyze - "Fireflies" - I'm not a fan of this song. I agree that he made it better but it was probably his weakest of the 3 live weeks (Sequel to 2 Live Crew?). When you want to go home, it's best to save your worst for last. Lee is in it to lose it!

Alex Lambert - "Trouble" - His voice isn't gritty enough for this song. This is like Justin Bieber trying to sing the blues. I think this is a major step backwards in the progress he was making. Good strategy, Lambert!

Tim Urban - "Hallelujah" - It's not right that he and Lacey stepped up this week. They were supposed to go home. Why can't people let their dreams fade away? Ellen gave him a hug. That's really going to hurt his chances of going home. Every single person that Ellen has ever hugged has eventually gotten what they wanted. Fact!

Andrew Garcia - "Genie in a Bottle" - I liked it but I fear I'm too biased on him. This was an attempt at recapturing the Paula Abdul moment he had in Hollywood Week. Girl song. Acoustic guitar. All of the pieces were there. Unfortunately, Christina Aguilera will never compare to Paula Abdul. Aguilera could never be forever my or anyone else's girl.* His chances of going home are good.

Casey James - "You'll Think of Me" - Yaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnn. I'm going to pull a Simon comment working off the song title - "No, we won't. That was rubbish." Is he ever going to push his voice? He may not get the chance to answer it. This race is heating up!

Aaron Kelly - "I'm Already There" - Finally, someone's making a real push to go home! This is how you have a moment! A terrible terrible moment. Everyone else was playing it safe and may be going home. Aaron came out and swung for the fences on this one. He missed the ball completely and lost control of the bat. The bat flew out of his hands, went into the stands, and killed a person. That person - Top 12 Aaron Kelly. How did this not get the pimp slot?

Todrick Hall - "Somebody To Love" - It was pretty good and may have erased two weeks of hard work to go home. Todrick came out to prove he could sing (mistake) and he did so on a very difficult song (double mistake). Ah, who am I kidding? We have our two losers back-to-back! Later, Todrick!

Big Mike - "This Woman's Work" - I don't get the appeal of him. He's fine. He has confidence. Is he personally threatening everyone in the country with a "Vote or Else" ultimatum? Is it time for Kara to point on a doll and tell the cops where the Big Mike touched her? How did he become the frontrunner?

Going Home: Todrick Hall and Aaron Kelly

Worried For: Andrew Garcia

*Does not apply to her father and husband.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 16 (Girls)

2010-03-10T13:00:00.005-05:00

The girls made this week's decision on who's going home very easy. The right people stepped up and the producers fell in love with the faded-center split screen.

Katie Stevens - "Breakaway" - So dreary. Notes weren't hit. This competition swallowed her up like snake after one of those famous religious snake fasts. It was the problem of listening to the judges too much. They are merely there to guide you to the sixth floor of your local hospital, not to help you get a record deal.

Siobhan Magnus - "House of the Rising Sun" - Her voice sometimes goes off on that Shakira "I should wear a helmet and safety mittens" twang. The acapella at the front was really good but the rest got a little dull. She's more than safe though.

Lacey Brown - "The Story" - I thought it was really pretty. She was supposed to leave and now I don't know what's going to happen. Up is down. Simon is Randy. A miracle happened on the stage tonight and the 20-year-too-soon cougar may survive to the Top 12.

Katelyn Epperly - "I Feel the Earth Move" - She said she was going for less corny and she does this. She could have sung this while standing in a pool of niblets and not been any more so. I hope this doesn't make people forget how good she is. Hopefully, Didi won't step up and make her chances shakier.

Didi Benami - "Rhiannon" - Sorry Katelyn. I was happy to find out that Didi's reading my blog. How else can you explain how she knew to use an acoustic guitar and sing with little accompaniment? Oh, the judges told her the same thing? Nevermind. Favorite part: Thanks to split screen, she was singing to her guitar playing at one point. Something that normally wouldn't be possible unless this were Cirque du Soleil.

Paige Miles - "Smile" - She sounded terrible. The arrangement was a mess and she couldn't keep up with it. It was like the Idol band hated her. I have no more defenses for her. This case is unwinnable. Can we settle? You're offering a Top 16 finish? We'll take it! Here's my fee, Miss Miles.

Crystal Bowersox - "Give Me One Reason" - She is so good. I don't know what was worse, the audience clapping or the background singers. I may have liked this better than the Tracy Chapman version. Is that allowed? Judges?

Randy

You know I like you, right? I just didn't get it. I didn't get it. Ellen, what do you think?

Ellen

I don't know. I'm TORn.

(hold for laughter)

I still really like you as a blogger.

Kara

I feel like you weren't connected to the listening of the song. You have a great instrument for commentary but you need to rope it in. Maybe another year of blogging. Really working at it. But I'm a fan.

Simon

Look, I don't want to keep going with this. It wasn't good. It's hard when the criticisms of your criticisms are so confusing. But when you look at the other American Idol bloggers out there, you pale in comparison. I don't want to be rude but it's like a wanker in a booth with some crumpets dilly-dallying with a blunderbuss. Sorry.

Lilly Scott - "I Fall To Pieces" - She wore scrunchie earrings. She's so eccentric. I didn't like this one as much. Is her voice getting annoying to me? It could be. She is like a better version of Megan Joy and that might not be a good thing. Next week has to be better.

Going Home: Katie Stevens and Paige Miles

Worried For: Katelyn Epperly

Oscar Bits They Didn't Have Time For

2010-03-08T08:16:00.005-05:00

Neil Patrick Harris came out and sang but Bruce Vilanch and company came up with so much more...well, gold. I got my hands on some of the ideas they rehearsed and didn't have time for in the 9 hour telecast. I posted a few on my Twitter feed last night but here is the whole list:

Martin and Baldwin sumo wrestle in the bomb-diffusing suits from "The Hurt Locker"
Baldwin and 4 other avatars bring us back to the 70s with the parody, "In the Na'vi"
Martin and Baldwin, dressed as Hitler and Goebbels, hit the town looking for women as two "Heil-ed and Crazy Guys"
Baldwin comes on stage. Martin appears via remote satellite on the large screen and fires Baldwin from the rest of the telecast.
Scenes featuring Mo'Nique from "Precious" are recut with Martin as Navin R. Johnson in the Precious role. Navin will learn what being "born a poor black child" is really like.*
Something to do with "An Education"
Martin and Baldwin hang out in "District 10" because they are on the waiting list for "District 9"
Baldwin enters wearing a football uniform complete with pads. When Sandra Bullock is announced as the winner, he barrels down Meryl Streep, picks her up, and carries her out of the theater.
A five minute montage showing Martin and Baldwin meeting, striking up a friendship, making a pact to finish the Oscar telecast, Martin getting sick during the Best Actor announcement, Martin dying, Baldwin setting off to complete the mission, and ultimately finding out that the mission wasn't completing the telecast but outliving Steve Martin.
An older boy scout (Martin) who still lives at home and gets picked on by all those around him finds solace in an overly affectionate next door neighbor (Baldwin) in "A Canteen Boy-ous Man"

*Just read that they did hit upon "The Jerk" parallel last night. I have Cablevision and did not have the Oscars until after the first couple of awards went out. Nice to know Vilanch and I are on the same page.